At The Right Time
by marchingon
Summary: Derek is forced to move on with his life after Addison mysteriously went missing. But the mystery gets more complicated when, seven years later, what he thought he always wanted just didn't turn out to be simple. Will be ADDEK. Slightly AU.
1. Prologue

AN: Hello everyone. I'm back with another chapter story, though I'm pretty apprehensive about this. I'm posting the first two chapters for you to read and review, and to tell me if it's worth continuing. I was just toying with the idea of writing it because it's one of my favorite plots, but yeah. It's for you to decide. Sooo. Let me know if it's any good. :) Thanks for taking the time to read it. :)

-I own nothing

* * *

Derek dragged his body groggily out of bed at 4 in the morning, cursing the hospital for paging him so rudely after a 72-hour shift the previous day. He sighed, rubbing the sleep off of his eyes as he turned to where his wife, Meredith Grey- Shepherd, was sleeping soundly beside him. He stared at her sleeping figure, noticing the way her form curved and her chest rose and fell as she slept, unable to keep himself from comparing her to someone else.

There weren't a lot of things he was sure of in life, Meredith being one of them. Although he would never doubt the fact that he loved her, part of him kept on searching for something he had lost a long time ago, a piece of himself that he never found closure for. Meredith had helped him pick up the pieces, and for that, he was grateful. But he shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts that were sure to plague him the entire day, forcing himself to believe that whatever happened was in the past now, and that he had to move forward. It'd been seven years, he honestly had to move on.

_"Calm down, man. I'm sure she's fine," Mark said, eyeing his best friend pacing the living room. Addison had the day off, but for some reason, she wasn't home, or at the hospital, or answering her mobile, and Derek was thinking the worst._

_He shook his head in response. "I can't do that, Mark. My wife is practically missing—"_

"_It's only been 5 hours. Who knows, she might have gone shopping and her phone died," he reasoned. "You know she always forgets to charge her phone." _

"_I want to call the police," he continued, his heart beating loudly with worry. On any other day, he probably wouldn't have because Addison was flighty whenever she got the chance; shopping and days to herself were among her simple pleasures. But tonight felt different, as if something at the back of his head was telling him that something was wrong. _

_And then as if on cue, the landline rang and startled both Mark and Derek out of their thoughts. Derek hurried to the phone and picked it up, pressing it against his ear with such ferocity._

"_Addison! Finally! You got us all worried and— who is this?" He asked, his brow furrowing in confusion, and his heart tensing more than it already had. The voice was nothing he recognized, the baritone too far from his wife's familiar and melodious one._

_The voice on the other end of the line was strict, professional even. "Dr. Shepherd?" the voice said gruffly._

_Derek gulped, closing his eyes to keep himself calm. "Yes, this is Dr. Shepherd." _

"_This is Detective Caden Smith from the NYPD."_

"_NYP—What is this about?" he asked suddenly, his voice bordering on panic. He couldn't help the feeling of dread that suddenly washed over him as he listened to the man speak in a forcefully sympathetic tone. Something at the back of his mind was telling him that nothing good would come out of this conversation._

"_We found your wife's white Mercedes parked just off the Washington Bridge, in a dimly lit area, bad neighborhood. The car's been ransacked, but your wife is nowhere to be seen. We ran the plates and linked it to you." _

_All color drained from Derek's face as he tried to comprehend what in the world had happened to Addison. The different possibilities plagued his thoughts, but he tried to rid himself of it and focus on the detective. "Oh dear god, she's been missing the whole day!" he tried to explain. "I wanted to call you just now."_

_The detective nodded. "Normally, people don't file a missing person's report until it's been 2 days. But you're reporting it now so…"_

"_What's your protocol?" Derek asked hurriedly. "How are we going to find my wife?" _

_There was a sigh from the other end of the line. "We'll have to trace your wife's whereabouts this whole day. You'll have to come to the station for interrogation," he explained, well used to dealing with frantic family members who thought they knew better than him at his job._

"_I'll come now. It was her day-off today," Derek said hurriedly, his pacing more frantic. _

"_Alright. Come by the station now. We'll be there to meet you." _

The cold shower water ran down Derek's bare back, jolting him awake in a flurry of sensations so he could get to the hospital on time. It wasn't a 911 page, though he wasn't on call either. He would rant about the page later, but for now, he had to concentrate on getting to the hospital without any more memories plaguing him.

He had tried in vain to bury the past away, to move forward. And he had, in a way. He moved to Seattle shortly after, met Meredith and married her. She knew what had happened; it was one of the first things he told her when they first started dating. And she patiently waited for him to open his heart and stood by him through all the pain. If anything, Meredith was the personification of understanding, someone who only wished to be loved by a man too scorned to recognize life's small beauties.

In one swift movement, he was dressed in his scrubs with his shoes on, rushing to the car and driving to the hospital, his mind still trying to stay concentrated.

_"It's been four months, Derek. I hate to say this man, but—"_

"_We're not going to find her," he finished dejectedly, his whole being refusing to believe what was happening. "I can't give up, Mark. I can't… let her down. She could be out there, Mark… alone and scared and I won't be there to protect her."_

_Mark sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "But you have to be practical. You can't put your life on hold forever, especially if there's a possibility that we're never going to find her." He hated himself for voicing it out, but it was the truth and somebody had to say it, to Derek's face most especially. He himself was hurting, but he couldn't allow the pain to show because Derek's pain was twice, if not a hundredfold more than his. He was trying to be the supportive and practical best friend, but he was torn between his loyalty to AddisonandDerek, and his loyalty to just Derek._

_Derek shook his head. "What if she's still out there?" _

"_I hate to be philosophical, Derek, but if you're meant to find her, whether it be tomorrow or in 20 years, she's going to come back to you," Mark replied seriously, the truth in his voice hitting him full force. "You have to start picking up the pieces, man."_

Mark's words some 7 years ago did it for him. He finally convinced himself he had to pick up the pieces. Addison would have wanted him to continue on, and not put everything on hold for her. So after 5 years of marriage, he gradually pushed himself out there but still remained faithful to her wishes. And although it wasn't such a pleasant experience to date and find himself comparing them all to Addison, he finally met Meredith, the anti-Addison, the woman who would help him get over her.

He married Meredith 2 years after the incident, but not a day went by for him that he didn't think about the perfect redhead, and what might have been for the two of them had she not gone missing. And although there was a constant dull ache in his heart, he learned to live with it and find happiness with Meredith. Things became routine, constant, and blissful sometimes even, and for that he was grateful. There were times when he would lie awake at night, wondering what Addison was doing at that very moment, if she was scared, okay, or being ebbed away by insects. But he would shake his body rid of the thoughts, knowing that if he kept on thinking about her, he'd drive himself to near insanity, just to be able to be close to her.

His mobile rang, pulling him out of his thoughts, but he was too distracted to question why it was ringing at such an ungodly hour. He reached out to the passenger seat and fished for his phone.

"Hello," he answered gruffly, putting the device on loudspeaker.

"Hey man. It's Mark. I'm sorry to call so early but it's—"

"7am in New York, I get it," he said, his voice with slight humor. "How are you doing?" he asked, wondering how long it had been since he talked to his _brother_.

Mark laughed. "Doing good. Yourself?"

"Good, good." He paused, making a right on the intersection as he did so. "So why'd you call?"

"Just checking in on you," was the curt reply.

"Come on, I think I know you better than that. Spill, manwhore," he chuckled, coaxing him out of his shell.

Mark was quiet for a moment before he resumed speaking, his voice full of pent up melancholy. "It's been seven years," he said quietly. "I miss her," he admitted, unable to keep the pain from his voice.

Derek nodded, once again feeling the familiar sensation of tears stinging his eyes and longing filling his entire body. He had to take a deep breath to keep himself from crying, for tears were somehow unacceptable considering the time that has elapsed since New York.

"I know. Me too," he whispered. "Everyday." He closed his eyes briefly as the car halted at a red light, keeping his body from shaking profusely. "I miss her too."

* * *

That's the prologue. I'm posting the next chapter, and then let me know if it's worth continuing. :D


	2. Chapter 1

Even when he moved to Seattle Grace, there were things that constantly reminded him of Addison. Sure he and Addie never made memories in Washington, but he could see her in the most mundane of things, and that would send him in a fit of sobs during his first few weeks in Washington. From opening a cereal box to crossing the street, to passing by a Prada boutique, he couldn't quite help the wave of memories that consumed him. But the constant praise and hotshot status he had acquired in Seattle helped him suppress the daily morning musings, and put him at the top of his game.

There were days, however, like this one, that he would lock himself up in his office or bury himself in surgery. Today wasn't an ordinary day. Today would've been his and Addison's 12th wedding anniversary, and it hurt like hell to realize that he and Meredith were staying married for longer than he and Addison were, considering how he lost her on their fifth year.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

He looked up at the sound of his name being called, putting aside the chart as he listened to the nurse speak.

"You have a phone call, sir. Says she's your mother-in-law."

Derek cocked a brow, knowing Ellis Grey was in no condition to call him. "What?"

The nurse shrugged. "That's what the woman said," she answered, handing him the phone.

He accepted the phone and pressed it against his ear, suppressing a sigh. "This is Dr. Shepherd," he said curtly.

"Derek, darling," the motherly voice said, her tone condescending. "This is mother."

His eyes shot up in realization. "Bizzy!"

She chuckled softly. "Oh, darling, I know we haven't spoken in a while but really… Bizzy? That's preposterous," she chided.

"Oh. God. Mother, sorry. I… took me by surprise," he answered sheepishly. "What makes you call?" he asked, ignoring the looks the nurses were giving him. They knew about Addison, but they didn't know that she came from a wealthy, traditional family that insisted names such as 'mother' instead of 'mom' be upheld in the household.

"It's June 16th, Derek," she said simply. "I was calling to ask how you were holding up."

He nodded. "Doing good, actually."

"How's Meredith?" she inquired, the disapproval well masked in her tone. She didn't exactly approve of Derek remarrying, but she also knew that he couldn't keep his life on hold for something they were unsure would return.

He had to grin at the slight disgust in Bizzy's voice, although he knew she trying hard to hide the fabricated enthusiasm. "She's alright, mother. And yourself?"

Bizzy sighed, her demeanor suddenly more melancholy than she had expected. "Quite splendid, actually," she replied dryly. There was a pause before she took a deep breath. "Happy anniversary, son."

One would wonder if it was the right sentiment to express. After all, celebrating your anniversary with a dead wife wasn't exactly a cause for joy. But what else could she have said? There was no hallmark card that instructed people how to deal with what-might-have-been anniversaries.

His breath hitched in his throat as the strong waves of morose passed through his body like an electric current, unrelenting to his pleas for strength. "Thank you," he answered quietly.

There was a momentary pause as Bizzy tried to gather herself in lieu of talking to her only son-in-law. She hadn't spoken to him since his birthday, and that had been a couple of months back. "I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never be able to see my daughter again," she admitted. "But I hold on to the hope that someday, maybe when I'm gone, she'll find her way back to you."

He nodded, feeling the need to lock himself up in a room and sob. It wasn't always that Bizzy Montgomery offered her sentiments to anyone. "Sometimes… sometimes I feel like she's slipping away; like I'm beginning to forget her, you know? The other day, I was trying to picture her face but I… I couldn't. I had to look at her photograph just to get the image in my head. I'm losing her." He burned with shame, knowing that as her husband, he should've known every feature by heart.

"I feel that way sometimes too, darling," she said quietly. "It's frustrating, isn't it? Sometimes I believe I've memorized her face, her features, and then I bring them to mind and I can't."

"It's been seven years."

"Oh, I know. And you're doing remarkably well."

"I have no closure, whatsoever. I mean… they couldn't find any trace of her. And… I don't know. Maybe it would've been easier if she… died," he gulped, "and they found her body. At least then I'll know for sure what happened to her. But now… a part of me is always hoping, is always _waiting_ for her to come back. And it gets more difficult everyday."

"Well, if it'll make you feel better, Derek, your father… well, Addie's father, has decided to reopen the case. The court granted that to him."

Derek smiled approvingly. "He's taking it the hardest."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. _You've_ taken it the hardest. Anthony just doesn't want to die not knowing what happened to his little girl."

He closed his eyes in thought, thinking that he wouldn't want to die not knowing either. If he did, he feared he would never find rest after death. "Yeah."

"But," Bizzy said finally, "that's entirely beside the point. I simply called to make sure you were okay. And now that you say you are, I'll leave you to your life saving," she smiled, knowing that if she went on with the conversation with Derek, she would find herself grieving more than was acceptable anymore.

Derek chuckled. "Alright, mother. Thank you for calling."

"Oh, thank you for being honest," she answered. "Take care of yourself honey."

"I will. You too," he said, and hung up, lifting his head in wonderment. He had just told his mother in law things he never told his wife before. Meredith didn't know the extent of his hurting, and he felt like he was cheating on her because of it.

But he sighed. He knew full well that Meredith would never be able to understand him truly because she didn't lose Addison. But _he_ did, and the pain was almost unbearable.

"_Do you believe in reincarnation, Derek?" _

_Derek looked up from his reading and saw Addison standing by the doorway in her pajamas, a serious look on her face. She wasn't always this serious, especially at home, but something happened at work and he had yet to find out what it was. _

"_Well?" she asked, tapping her foot impatiently. _

"_Why do you ask?" he questioned, puzzled. He neatly put away the magazine he was reading and sat up straight in bed, eyeing her as she moved to the bed and cuddled right beside him._

_Addison sighed, wrapping her arms around his body and inhaled his scent. "I just… my patient died today," she started, quietly. "She was so tiny Derek, and innocent and I can't believe she just… died. I mean, normally I'd ask you about heaven when it comes to these things but I find it hard to grasp that that's just it, she dies and goes to heaven. There must be something better."_

_He pulled her closer to him, finally understanding her glum mood the whole night. "You think incarnation is better?"_

_She shrugged. "At least then you're given the chance to right your wrongs, even if it's in another lifetime." _

_Derek nodded understandingly and pondered on the question, wondering if reincarnation was believable, though not quite plausible. "I… suppose I believe in reincarnation," he said slowly. "That way, people… get to care for the people they love even after death…" he continued unsurely, clearly unable to express why he believed in it._

_But Addison seemed to accept the answer and nodded, sighing heavily. "I believe in it too. I mean… I have to, right? I'm a doctor. It would makes things more bearable."_

"_It would," he agreed._

_They remained unspeaking for a moment before Addison shifted in bed, readjusting herself to meet Derek's questioning gaze. "I think… if I ever get reincarnated, I'd be a butterfly," she said softly. _

_He raised his brow at her before smiling gently, encouragingly. "A butterfly?"_

_She nodded, grinning. "If I ever die before you do, Derek, be on the look out for butterflies." _

"_So you could keep watching me and all the ladies I date?"_

_Addison laughed, the sound reaching his ears and making him grin in earnest. Her laugh was melodious, a cacophony of sheer joy that never failed to make his heart melt. "Yes," she agreed. "I'll probably spread some pollen in their eyes and make them blind." _

"_Oh, no need for that, honey. I have eyes only for you."_

_She giggled, moving in bed and smiling at him lazily. "But, in all seriousness, if I ever die before you do, though that's unlikely," she chuckled, "go and knock yourself out with other women. Make yourself happy. I don't want you wallowing in self pity." _

_He smiled at her softly and pressed as soft kiss on her forehead. "Butterflies. Ladies. Got it," he winked, before pulling her into a heated embrace, feeling an overwhelming sense of happiness envelope him. _

The memory hit him as he removed a clot from his patient's brain, making him nauseous but forcing him to stay focused nevertheless. It wasn't the first time a memory had attacked him that way, and he more or less knew how to deal with it.

His patient was a little girl who hit her head when she fell off a swing. She was sweet and innocent, something that encouraged Derek to fight hard to save her life, and what made him believe in reincarnation. He supposed that was what triggered the memory in the first place; that, and the tiny butterfly stickers the girl brought with her to the hospital. He had to smile as the little girl stuck one on his scrub top as an advanced thank you for saving her life.

When he finished up with the surgery, he almost immediately proceeded to Joe's to grab a drink. June 16th. His and Addison's 12th wedding anniversary. It was all too screwed up, and a drink was necessary because he knew he couldn't survive the rest of the night sober. His past experiences of June 16th's told him that if he was completely clear-minded, he would drown in a sea of white and gold and happy memories, making him long for her even more, and miserable just the same.

"Scotch, single malt," he said to Joe, not meeting his gaze, instead focusing on the tiny scratches on the bar table.

Joe nodded, fixing him up the glass and handing it to him pitifully. "Rough shift, doc?"

He looked up and smiled slightly. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

The bartender raised a brow at him and nodded. "Problem with the wifey?"

Derek had to laugh at the irony of it all, meeting Joe's questioning glance and nodding. "You could say that too."

Joe nodded understandingly, knowing Derek had been through a lot since he came to Seattle. There was a whole other life Derek Shepherd had lived, one that involved a redhead and New York City, but he didn't have to expound on that to know that it involved deep heartache and regret. "In that case, drink's on the house," he smiled before walking to the other end of the bar.

There was something to be said about the way Derek was slumped over, ordering drink after drink and gulping them down in a flurry of drunken gestures. He didn't look like a man who was running away from problems. He didn't look like a man who was going to fight and fight like hell after being knocked down. No, if any, he looked so defeated that fighting seemed to make no sense to him whatsoever.

The night waned by, and Derek wasn't completely intoxicated. He was tipsy at most. The nights he spent drinking his sorrows down seemed to make him alcohol-immune. It was unfortunate because it took longer for him to reach inebriated bliss.

"Doc?" Joe said, clearing up the glasses that had piled by Derek. "I called you a cab."

He looked up, squinting at the purple haze slowly clouding his vision. "What time is it?" he half-slurred, struggling to stand up from the barstool.

"Two am," he replied. "I'm just about closing up."

Derek nodded, fishing out bills and laying them on the table. "Thank you," he said gruffly and left the bar, entering the cab without so much as a greeting to the driver.

The ride to home was long, at least to him, and he couldn't stop muttering as he slowly felt the effects of the alcohol in his system.

"Happy freakin' anniversary, Addison," he said, ignoring the puzzled look the driver gave him through the rearview mirror.

He scowled, looking out the window and catching a glimpse of the moon, his heart throbbing in customary June 16th pain.

"You're terribly unfair, Addie," he whispered, tears slowly falling from his eyes. "You left me, without even a goodbye. And I'm here, still grieving over you when I'm supposed to have moved on with Meredith."

Derek swallowed, keeping his gaze on the Seattle night sky, his fists clenching in sorrow. "Wherever you are, if you're looking at the moon like I am… I hope you find your way back to me soon."

* * *

Okay. So that's the start of it. Tell me if it has a chance. Hahahaha. Thanks for reading though and let me know what you think! :)


	3. Chapter 2

AN: Alright! Thank you all for the encouragement. I've decided it's worth continuing, so here's the next chap. I really really need a beta, btw. Pleeaaasssee PM because I have no idea how the thing works. Hahaha. :) But yea. Thanks so much for reading the last chap, and for reviewing. :) You guys rock. :)

- I own nothing.

* * *

"_We couldn't find any lead. Nothing, no street surveillance, no witnesses, no prints. Nothing. It's like we're not meant to find her." _

_Derek sighed, looking at the detective incredulously. "What do you mean no lead? My wife could be out there, freezing, dying, scared. And you're telling me we're not meant to find her?" His bellowing voice echoed across the small room, everyone flinching at the sound of his forlorn yet forceful voice. _

"_Dr. Shepherd…"_

"_Is this what everything has come to?" he asked, his voice still raised. "My wife could be dead and we're not doing anything!"_

"_Sir, trust me," the detective pleaded. "We've been doing the best we could."_

_He shook his head angrily, furious at the way things were unfolding. "No. No, you're not."_

"_With all due respect sir, the police department has been working its ass off trying to find your wife. We've checked every nook and cranny but there's nothing."_

"_Then explain to me how that happened," Derek challenged, his eyes ablaze with anger. He could not, for the life of him, accept that this was what everything had come to; that they were giving up the search for his wife. _

_Caden Smith sighed, eyeing Derek and begging him to understand. "It's been two months, sir. The chances of finding her… alive… is so small that we have to suspend the search for her or else things will be more futile." _

"_You seriously can't be giving up."_

"_Unfortunately, New York State orders that with missing person reports like these, we have to issue a death certificate. And that's usually… the end," he gulped, intimidated by the man who was fighting to retrain himself from throwing things and punching the lights out of all of them. _

"_Derek," Carolyn Shepherd said, standing up from the cold metal chair and laying a hand on her son's back. "Honey… we'll keep looking for her. We will. But it's protocol and we can't defy that."_

_Derek shook his head, shrugging his mother's hand from his back as Addison's family and Mark stared at him expectantly. "We're not even sure if she's dead," he stated. _

"_She's not dead," Carolyn said, although she wasn't sure if it was true. Of course she didn't want to get Derek's hopes up too high, but she could think of no other way to comfort him. "We'll keep searching. Even if it's just us. You, me, Mark, Savvy, the Montgomerys… we're all here, honey. And we'll keep looking." _

"_That's not enough," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not signing any death certificates," he stated firmly. "My wife isn't dead, and the only reason you're ruling her so is because you're too lazy to find her. You do such mediocre—"_

"_Derek!" Carolyn scolded, her eyes widening at the insult Derek could put. "Honey, they did the best they can. And they'll keep looking for her too, but it's standard protocol to issue a death certificate until she's found alive, and then we can declare the certificate void."_

"_That's right," the detective cut in. "The death certificate just makes you a free man—"_

"_I don't want to be a free man," he snapped. "I want to stay married to my wife!"_

"_And you will, but the certificate makes you eligible for more legal things. It'll be to your advantage," the detective explained, waiting anxiously for a reply._

_Everyone looked at Derek expectantly, waiting for him to come to a decision regarding the papers. To Derek, signing them would make things final, as if he were conceding to the fact that she was dead indeed. And that was something severely out of the question. But it was protocol, and whether he signed it or not, Addison would still be missing, and he would still be in a state of misery._

_After what seemed like an eternity, he sighed and finally acquiesced to it, albeit begrudgingly. He wasn't happy, but it had to be done._

Meredith watched as Derek stumbled through the front door, his eyes showing no apology as he met her questioning gaze. Sure she knew what today was, and she supposed she should've grown accustomed to the way he behaved on days such as these, but she couldn't deny that Derek's actions and the fact that he still missed Addison hurt her.

She knew since day one that she was putting herself in a position that would require great sacrifice. She knew that hurt and pain was inevitable. But she always held out hope that one day, Derek might actually see her and forget Addison, even for a split second.

His eyes, however, stayed haunted all throughout their 5-year marriage, save for those moments when he truly saw Meredith. He never moved on, and that was what made Meredith lose almost all faith that she would live a happy life with Derek. He was much too obsessed with his lost chance with Addison.

"You got home at a decent hour," she commented, sighing before helping him up that stairs. "Last year, you came home at six am. You're four hours early this time."

Derek didn't say anything, only allowed her to help him off his clothes and shoes and into bed. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate Meredith. In fact, that would be quite the contrary. But he hated it when Meredith tried too hard on days he devoted solely to Addison.

Meredith sighed again, placing Derek's shoes by the corner of the bed and standing up straight to stare at him. He was reeking more than usual, and he stared back with empty eyes.

"Do you need an aspirin?" she asked, placing a hand on her hip.

He put a hand on his face and rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the purple haze that was currently blocking his view of his wife's face. He squinted a couple of times before nodding. "Yeah, I guess I do."

She nodded curtly in acknowledgement before walking to the bathroom and filling up a cup of water and pulling out an aspirin from the medicine cabinet. It was nights like these that she thought she was too tired of the life she was living, but knowing she would never give him up. She'd only really seen pictures of Addison, one or two of them at most. Derek was very secretive of her, as if sharing her would make him lose her. But Meredith knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was tough competition, because she was beautiful and talented and… perfect.

Even Richard Webber doted on her like a daughter, somehow feeling sorry for Meredith because she had to fill such big shoes. But Meredith was Meredith, and she would stop at nothing to get what she wanted.

Meredith shoved the aspirin into Derek's hand, waiting for him to put it in his mouth before handing him the cup of water. "I'll call the chief in the morning," she stated. "I'm sure you won't be able to work in the morning anyway."

Derek nodded, slowly peeling off the covers and burying himself underneath it. "Any mail for me today?" he asked tiredly.

She shook her head as she turned off the lights, allowing her eyes to adjust to the cloak of darkness. "No mail," she answered. "But our machine was full of your messages when I got home."

He knew they were all probably sympathetic messages from family and friends, wishing him well on a day they all knew was particularly hard on him. He got used to the pity over the years. "More pity?" he almost snapped, his headache intensifying.

Meredith shrugged, lying down on the bed and covering herself with a blanket. She turned to her side and stared at Derek's form, wondering how she was going to get through the rest of her life that way.

"Well?"

"Pity. Yes," she answered. "But someone left a message for you, he sounded important."

"Important?"

Meredith nodded. "Someone from the NYPD. I don't know, go and listen to it when you wake up. But right now just… go to sleep," she said before turning her back to him, honestly quite tired of dealing with him tonight. "Good night, Derek."

"Good night," he answered gruffly, closing his eyes and finally allowing himself much needed unconsciousness.

"I love you," she whispered into the night, but he was already fast asleep.

It was a dreamless sleep, something he was thankful for. Having Addison in his dreams would make things harder, and he had resigned himself to the numbness slowly ebbing at him since Addison first went missing. There was simply no use denying it, and he had to accept that she was gone.

He woke up the next day close to noon, alone and with the biggest hangover yet. And deciding life had to go on yet again, he forced himself out of bed and to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee.

With the coffee in hand, he proceeded to the answering machine whilst remembering Meredith's words about an important call and tons of pity messages. Sighing, he sat down next to the machine and pressed play, mentally preparing himself for another June 16th tradition. He noted though that year after year, less and less people called him, no doubt believing he had slowly moved on.

_"Hi Derek, it's Savvy. Weiss and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It's June 16th and yeah… I guess we just wanted to be sure you're fine. We haven't spoken in a while, and I tried calling your cell but you weren't picking up. So yeah. Okay. Well, let us know if you need anything. Your east coast friends are never too busy for you. We love you."_

_"Meredith? Derek? It's Nancy. If any of you are at home please pick up… okay. You're not there. Anyway, Derek, I hope you're holding up well. Twelve years down, a lot more to go. I know you and Addie would've stayed strong if she were alive. Oh, shit. Did I just say that out loud? Pardon me. Uh… Hi Meredith! Hope you're doing well yourself. See you in the summer? Give me a call. Okay. Bye."_

_"Son? It's Anthony. I don't know if your mother's called you but the court's granted me a re-opening of the case. Now, I don't know if that's good news to you because it gets our hopes up too high, but it's a start, right? Let me know if you want to come over and go horseback riding again. Remember last time? Okay. Talk to you soon."_

_"Derbear, it's mom. I was just calling to check up on you. Put the bottle down now and stay away from sharp objects today. I'm not kidding. Give me a call when you get the chance. And, hello Meredith. Stay right where you are, okay? I love you both."_

_"Hello, this is Detective Caden Smith from the New York Police Department. We're calling for Dr. Derek Shepherd. When you get the chance sir, please give us a call at the station. We have some important news for you. Thanks."_

Derek sighed, fishing his phone from the pocket of his robe and dialing the police station. He honestly had no idea what it was about, but like Meredith's perception, it sounded important. He waited patiently as the line rang, and politely asked to be directed to the Detective Smith's line.

"Detective Smith."

"This Dr. Shepherd," he said. "Good morning."

"Oh! Dr. Shepherd. It's great to hear from you. I assume you got our message?" he asked, his voice friendly, something Derek was unaccustomed to. In all the years Derek had known Caden Smith, he was but the epitome of professionalism, never friendly, seldom sympathetic.

He nodded. "I did. But detective, I'll have you know that I don't appreciate false hope. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never find her, so make sure that whatever news you're going to give me is something I can actually hold on to."

The detective cleared his throat, understanding the viewpoint from which Derek Shepherd was coming from. Of all the cases he'd handled throughout his career, it was Derek's quick shift from optimism to pessimism that was most remarkable to him. Most people went through the anger cycle, with the denial and 'if's. But Derek Shepherd found it difficult to hope, as if he knew hoping would only make him hurt more.

"Detective?"

"We didn't tell you this bit of information seven years ago, sir. But, over the course of three years, 16 other women have gone missing, with only their cars eventually found. There have been no trace of them whatsoever since then, and it was a strong hypothesis to assume that we were dealing with a serial killer. Or rapist. We couldn't know for sure because no bodies have turned up."

Derek knew other women went missing around that time, too, but he couldn't draw a connection to it until the detective painted him a picture. Did it matter that he was only told this bit of information now? No, not really, because then she would still be missing. But what was of interest to him was why the detective brought it up now. "Okay… go on," he coaxed.

"One of the women," he continued, "sprung out from out of nowhere and walked right into her mother's home without so much as a scratch. We have yet to ask her what happened, but she wouldn't talk. Physically she was fine, but emotionally… everyone knew there was more damage."

Derek's face paled, his heart beating more times than he could count. He was breathing in and out so deeply to calm himself that he didn't notice his hands ball into fists and his body start to tremble. This was it, the glimmer of hope that Addison was alive. But he couldn't hope, right? He was married now. "Are you… are you saying there's concrete possibility that my wife is alive?" he whispered, needing to take a seat as the news was slowly processed in his brain.

Caden sighed. "I'm not sure, sir. But this woman was linked to the kidnappings and she turned out okay, right? I'm not… trying to give you false hope, but I thought you would appreciate the update."

Quite honestly, he didn't know what to make of it. It made everything so much more complicated. Addison. Meredith. Addison. And then what? But then again, he wasn't sure if she was alive yet, and that would postpone the confusion to a later time. "Well… thank you for the update, detective," Derek managed. "You'll be sure to contact me if you get more information?"

"Of course," the detective said. "Have a good day."

Derek hung up, his face emotionless and pale. Addison's disappearance, as well as the other 16 girls' was such a mystery back then. But now, with the reappearance of one of them, it was so much more a mystery than they could have ever imagined. First they went missing for 7 years, and then they turn up again without so much as a scratch? What has this world housed for satanic deeds?

But deciding that he would cross the Addison bridge when he had come to it, he shook himself of the thoughts that were to once again plague him, and proceeded to dress up for work, wishing that he would be able to concentrate.

The possibility that she was alive had always crossed his mind, and now, with the concrete idea of its plausibility, he couldn't even begin to wonder how he would sort his life out after it. Things were surely going to be interesting, and he had to prepare himself for the emotional roller coaster ride he was about to embark on.

Once at the hospital, he leaned casually on the nurse's counter and filled up charts, slightly flirting with the pretty nurse that gave everyone syph. He had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. But just as he gave her his infamous McDreamy smile, he saw Meredith out of the corner of his eye, walking right to him with a smile on her face.

"Hi, honey," she greeted, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. "What time did you get to work?"

He was lucky to have prevented a scowl from forming on his face, so he forced himself to smile. "A little after 12," was the answer. "What time does your shift end?" he asked absently, turning his attention back to the charts.

"Well," Meredith said enthusiastically, "I'll have you know, Dr. Shepherd, that I get off at 6. And that I made us some reservations at the Chateau for 8," she grinned. "Just the two of us, you know. Nice and quiet evening."

One would wonder at Meredith's strange behavior. But it came as true June 16th fashion. June 17th was Meredith's day, her chance to get Derek back on track and focused on her. It was her way of comforting herself after such an emotionally draining day.

He looked at her quizzically. He wasn't blind to the fact that Meredith was trying. So he shrugged and forced a grin and nodded. "Sure. Dinner sounds lovely," he said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

There were times that he wondered why he even married her in the first place.

Meredith went off to babble about her day, squealing slightly with delight at the prospect of having him all to herself that evening. But Derek couldn't concentrate. Because as soon as he agreed to the dinner, a flash of red caught his eye, and his heart started to drum against his chest.

"… so I called Cristina's friend who works at place and who could bump us up at the reservations. I mean really, Derek, the Chateau is like… the place to be and it's so hard to get on that list," she sighed dramatically. "Sometimes, it takes up to six months to get a vacancy, right? You know that—Der?" she asked, suddenly aware of her husband's distraction.

He kept staring straight ahead, unable to look at the spot where the flash of red was more than just a flash, but a concrete figure at the corner of his sight. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't begin to fathom the reality of it. He could feel her. He could feel the less than subtle but loving stare at his side, beckoning him to turn and see her, taste her, feel her concretely.

Meredith huffed. "Seriously Derek. You're not listening to me. Why aren't you listening to me? I mean, god. I worked my ass off to get us these reservations and the least you could do is to pretend to be enthusiastic about it."

"Addie," he whispered, feeling the rather familiar sensation of unexpected tears burning at the back of his eyes.

She sighed. "What?"

And then, ever so slowly, he turned his body, hesitating only slightly but with such renewed confidence. He had to prove to himself, whether it was his imagination or reality, that he was completely sane and that things would fall into place.

His breath hitched at the sight before him, and his body stayed frozen at beauty of the image.

There she was, her face with retained pulchritude, her hair as red and tantalizing as ever before, and her green eyes, empty save for the love that filled them. His dreams had come true. She was standing a few feet from him; a sight to behold of a woman whose strength had not ceased to exist.

His Addison was alive, and in that moment, what was once black and white had turned into a beautiful vision with shades of sheer joy.

* * *

So this is where it all gets interesting. Addison's back, and the drama is going to unfold. :D Thanks for reading and let me know what you think! :)


	4. Chapter 3

AN: Hooray for all the reviews, guys! You all totally rock, I swear! \:D/ Thanks for reading. :))  
This chapter isn't going to show a lot of Addison's emotion. I figured she would be shocked and wouldn't really know how to react, so I'm leaving the explaining, the important Derek-Addison and Derek-Meredith turning point conversations for the next chapters. This one's just the big revelation before all the drama ensues. :)  
So, like always, thank you so much for reading and I hope you like it. :)

- I own nothing.

* * *

There was something to be said about the way things seemed to lose meaning, how everything else seemed to fade away when you stood right in front of a dream you always wished would come true.

It was as if everything in the world stopped, and there was just him and that dream, floating away into oblivion as they stared straight into each other's eyes. You know what could be said?

It's that the happiness was overwhelming.

"Addie," he whispered, unable to believe that the woman standing a few feet from him was his wife, missing for seven years but was back, alive and well.

Meredith turned her head in confusion, and partly in annoyance, wondering what had gotten into Derek and was consuming his attention. And then she saw her. She was a vision, her long red hair curled slightly, her outfit a measly pair of jeans and an oversized shirt, but still looking absolutely stunning. She was the paradigm case of grace and poise, of over-all prestige that exuded regardless of what she was wearing.

Now, Meredith knew she was beautiful, but she never pictured Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd to look as dazzling as that. She was a vision.

"Oh my god," she gasped quietly, the recognition and fear etched in her tone, though Derek had yet to acknowledge her presence. Was it hurt? Fear? Anxiety? She would never know for sure.

Slowly, Derek took a tentative step forward; almost afraid that if he ventured too close to her, she'd disappear.

But she didn't. In fact, she had that same bewildered and amazed look on her face as she took a tentative step, too.

They were standing in the middle of the hallway, and as would be expected, people were starting to stare at the odd pair who blocked everyone's way, but seemed to have no care about the world whatsoever. Meredith was breathing hard, unsure of how to react. Addison was back, and she had no idea where she stood anymore.

At seeing Addison's step toward him, all the fear melted away in an instant, replaced by a vast amount of joy he never imagined he could feel. It was relief and happiness and shock and elation all at the same time, coursing through his body as he rushed to her, his arms outstretched to welcome her into an intense embrace.

She rushed forward as well, a relieved smile planting itself on her perfect lips. And in a moment, she was but wrapped in Derek's strong embrace, his arms circling so perfectly around her, like a missing piece of a puzzle, like _home_.

He thought he was going to have a heart attack, like his heart was going to burst in happiness and pride that after seven long years, she was back, in his arms, and sobbing uncontrollably in his neck. He was sobbing too, lifting her off the ground a bit as the renewed sense of home and comfort washed through them with such ferocity that no one in the room could ever have expected.

And in that moment, they all understood. This was Addison Shepherd, the woman Derek had lost but found again, the woman who had him wrapped around her finger, along with the other lifetime in Manhattan. It all seemed like the story of a different man, but it was familiar just the same.

They were witnessing a reunion, a much-awaited, much-anticipated one with the Derek and Addison duo. It was heartwarming, to say the least, and no one in the room wasn't touched by the sheer solace emitted by the couple as they continued their tight embrace.

She never wanted to let him go again. Here she was, Addison Shepherd, gone from him for seven years, but back again as if not one day had gone by without him. She loved him, and not a day went by that she didn't think of him, miss him, and long to be in his arms again.

"Addie," he breathed, the sobs of joy wracking at his body as he held on to her, never wanting to let her go ever again.

She sniffed, her frail arms encircled around Derek as the comfort she sought out effectively filled her body. "Derek, I missed you, oh god. I missed you."

"I missed you too, Addie. Thank god you're safe," he said. "Thank god you're safe."

She nodded, savoring the infinitesimal distance between them with utmost love and affection. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispered repeatedly, needing him to know she was repentant for even leaving the house on her day off seven years ago.

He shook his head defiantly, not making any move to pull out of the embrace. "Don't be. What's important is that you're here now and you're safe and… oh god, Addie. You have no idea how lost I've been without you."

"I've been so lost without you too, Derek," she sobbed, not allowing her grip to loosen the slightest bit. She had dreamed of this chance for seven years, to be back in her husband's arms, to be safe and secure. "I can't believe I'm here with you again."

"I know, baby. I know. It's surreal but you're here and I'm here and… god, Addie. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say that enough before but I need you to know that I love you and that I'm never letting you go again."

"I love you too," she muttered, the sincerity leaking with every syllable.

They were both so caught up in their own world that they failed to notice how the room started to tense at the prolonged sweetness. Meredith was gaping incredulously at the pair, her eyes ablaze with anger and tears. But, she didn't want to make a scene so she quickly made an exit while everyone else, felt some sort of released tension.

And then as if some big bang went off, they all went about to their usual routine, leaving the couple to stay in arms lock for a couple more minutes before Derek's pager went off. He left Addison with the promise of dinner after surgery, leaving both of them in a flurry of excitement.

Later that day, Addison found herself giggling like a school girl in Richard's office, laughing and smiling as was expected. Her return was long-awaited, and she savored the moments she had to talk to her parents over the phone, to Richard her mentor, and to Derek who had one surgery left before he had to go home.

What was weird was she never once thought about the idea of Derek moving on. She didn't wonder why he moved to Seattle, why Mark was nowhere to be seen, and why every time she turned a corner, the soft murmuring seemed to stop and everyone else just seemed to stare.

No. She was oblivious to it all. She was just too happy to be back to even wonder how much things have changed since her disappearance. Though, of course, she knew they would ask what happened to her in the first place. In reality, she couldn't even come into terms with the trauma of it all. She chose to bury it at the very back of her head until she couldn't any longer. But until the time comes that she could no longer keep it to herself, she decided she was going to be as happy and as free as a bird.

Meredith, on the other hand, wasn't taking things too kindly. Of course she knew there was always a possibility Addison would come back. But seeing Derek happy like she'd never seen him before made her heart ache.

But, she was Meredith _Shepherd_. She had some claim to him. And she was going to fight like hell to have him.

She found Derek hastily filling up a chart, no doubt hurrying to get back to Addison in the shortest time possible. She tried to ignore the stinging sensation all over her body and made her way towards him, smiling.

"Hey, Derek,"

Derek looked up and grinned. "Hey."

"Ready to leave? We have reservations remember?"

He stopped, suddenly remembering what had transpired before seeing Addison again. Meredith did make reservations, and he had agreed to come. But, things changed right? Addison was back and he was entitled to spend time with her.

Meredith's smile didn't falter, although it should have because his apprehension was quite evident. "At the Chateau," she prompted.

Derek sighed, running a hand through his brown locks and meeting Meredith's expectant gaze. "I'm sorry, Mer. I mean… Addison's here and—"

"So? I'm your wife," she stated emphatically. "Why should you cancel dinner plans for her?"

Meredith knew she was being a bitch, but it was her way of trying to protect herself. Derek had turned her into a fighter, and she was sure as hell going to fight.

His jaw clenched. "Have you not lived with me for the past 7 years?" he questioned, half-snapping and half-exasperated. "That's my _wife_ we're talking about. Yes, you're my wife now, but she is too. And she's been missing for the past 7 years and I would love some time to catch up with her. I'm sorry that you worked your ass off with those reservations, but some things are more important that dinner at the Chataeu," he snapped.

She raised a brow at him, placing a hand on her hip as if to challenge him. "Does she even know you're married?" she asked, her tone triumphant.

He looked at her disbelievingly, somehow not comprehending where the understanding Meredith had gone. For the past seven years, he had dreamt of nothing but to see Addison again, to get the chance to talk to her, and Meredith always knew that. But here she was, suddenly taking the wife part to heart and not giving any sort of understanding to the predicament Derek was in. It was almost as if she had changed in a matter of hours, and he had no idea who she was anymore. "_Who_ are you?" he questioned, his forehead wrinkled in utter confusion and slight disgust.

"I'm your wife," she said firmly, as that made all the sense in the world.

"And so is Addison."

"We'll have to see about that then, won't we?" she questioned, putting on a maniac grin as she saw Addison approaching them from behind Derek. Things were definitely going to be more than interesting, and she knew that the Seattle Grace Gossip Mill was going to be on, 24/7 and full-force from here on in.

The way she walked was graceful, poised. She was the epitome of beauty and Meredith had to remind herself to breathe because she herself was captivated. She was Addison _Forbes Montgomery_ Shepherd, and she was perfect. She wasn't timid whatsoever. Her presence almost demanded attention because whenever she was in a room, she commanded it with but a mere flip of her hair.

Addison spotted the pair from afar, and she knew in an instant they were arguing. She didn't really mind because she knew how medical cases worked. But she noticed that there was something off with them, as if they were arguing about something personal. She wasn't born yesterday, and she knew that even the way they stood awkwardly in front of each other gave rise to information she knew she should've known.

Once she was about a foot from the couple, Derek turned his back and looked at her apologetically, almost pleadingly.

"Addie…"

She forced a smile. "Ready to go?" she questioned, feeling a little nervous about the way the blonde was looking at her, though she knew she could easily outdo her in the bitch department.

Derek shifted nervously in place and put a steady hand on Addison's back, shooting a warning glance at Meredith.

"Der?" Addison asked, feeling the tension between the three of them. She looked between Meredith and Derek and back again, sighing.

Meredith grinned and put on a fake polite smile, looking directly at Addison. "Hi, I don't think we've met before," she said sweetly, extending a hand to Addison.

Addison took it unsurely, but smiling confidently just the same. "No, I believe we haven't." Faltering was never an option.

"I'm Dr. Meredith _Shepherd,_" she said, the emphasis not losing its meaning with Addison.

She stared hard, trying to grasp the situation as she kept on shaking Meredith's hand. It was starting to click. After all, she knew of no family member of Derek's that she had never met before. "Oh… really?" she asked, narrowing her gaze.

Meredith nodded, grinning triumphantly. "Derek's wife," she said confidently, with an air of smugness to it. "And you are?"

And then it clicked completely. Somehow, in 5 seconds, she understood everything that had happened in the past 7 years, or at least some of it, and she knew. She knew Derek had remarried, and that this girl, this new wife, was going to fight like hell to win him. She understood that in the time she was missing, Derek had moved from New York to Seattle, and that he married Ellis Grey's daughter. This was it. She had competition.

But well, guess what. She wasn't a redhead, or a Forbes-Montgomery for nothing. She was restraining the more volatile emotions for later, but she was more determined than this _twig_ to win Derek.

Addison stood up straight, towering over the petite blonde and smiling at her boldly. "Addison Montgomery Shepherd," she answered. "_Dr_. Montgomery Shepherd," she amended. "Derek's wife for 12 years."

And just like with Addison, something hit off in Meredith's brain and she realized that this woman, this competition, was a world-renowned neo-natal surgeon, the same one she had studied back in med school; the same one she had written a paper about and had admired from afar. This was Doctor Addison Montgomery Shepherd, OB-GYN, the best in her field, the one who single-handedly separated conjoined twins. She was the most remarkable doctor in the field on neonatology.

Meredith couldn't help but gulp in intimidation.

Addison flashed Meredith a stern gaze and let go of her hand disgustedly, turning to Derek and giving him a dirty look. "Well, Derek. Looks like we have a lot to discuss," she said, her tone hard.

Derek closed his eyes, wishing for the earth to eat him right there and then. "Addie…"

She sighed, willing herself to understand Derek's predicament. After all, no one could have prepared for the way things would unfold for them, and the least she could do was to give Derek the chance to explain. She had to lengthen her patience because even if all her emotions were running wild, she knew that they both needed to tell their stories first before they could start judging their actions.

"I'll give you two a moment," Addison whispered to Derek, keeping her emotions at bay. "I'll be at the lobby."

With that, she walked off, but not before giving Meredith a look that spelled trouble from all directions.

Derek stared at Addison's retreating figure before turning to Meredith, sighing heavily. "Do you realize what you just did?" he said finally, trying to keep calm.

She shrugged. "Why? Wasn't it the right thing to do?"

"The right thing to do would've been to allow me to come clean to her about it myself," he answered, his voice escalating. "I didn't need you to announce it loud and proud in front of her face. She's been through enough, and you just had to make it worse by being a total bitch to her!" he bellowed, unable to restrain the anger that was building up inside of him.

"Derek—"

"No. You do not get to explain. You don't get to justify your immature actions just because you thought it was right," he said, staring into her eyes with so much ferocity that it made Meredith shiver. "The right thing to do would've been to allow things to settle down first before challenging her with your insecurities! You should've let us handle this calmly!"

"That's what I was—"

"Do you have any idea who you're dealing with, Meredith? You're dealing with Addison Forbes Montgomery," emphasizing all of the redhead's names. "She can be the ruler of all that is evil if she wants to. She can make life a living hell for you. You have no idea what you got yourself into. Her father is Atty. Anthony Barron Montgomery, a very powerful lawyer who can easily influence the court to do anything he pleases."

"I don't see how—"

"Fucking stop interrupting!" he shouted, oblivious to stares he was receiving from everyone in the hall. "He can easily make our marriage void. But that's the least of your worries because Addison is Addison. Richard loves her. She's a world-renowned surgeon. Everybody in the medical field _respects_ her. You don't know the kind of trouble you have waltzed yourself into!"

"Well guess what!" she bellowed with equal intensity. "I'm willing to fight, too. I'm willing to fight for you, for our marriage, probably more than she is!"

"You don't know that! Fighting and winning are encoded in Addison's genetic DNA. Losing is no option for her. You just made this the most exciting thing yet, for her. But fuck it! She doesn't need this! Not after what happened! Did you really just have to rub everything in her face before things settled down? Were you not planning on anything amicable?"

"Derek..."

"Losing isn't a fucking option for her! You'll only end up hurting yourself"

Meredith huffed, feeling the frustration mounting. "Well, guess what Derek. You can tell your fucking wife and your fucking asshole self that losing isn't an option for me either," she said dangerously calm, and walked away, leaving Derek to punch the wall upon her departure.

-

She didn't know her exact emotions. She was angry and hurt and betrayed. But in a way, she understood, too. She had no right to demand him to put his life on hold for her. 7 years isn't exactly a short period of time. But considering the things she went through, it would've been comforting to know that there was something to go home to.

The emotion that reigned, however, was anger, forcefully being kept tame by her rational mind. She huffed loudly, taking a seat in the lobby to sort out her life. Of all the things she hated, it was not knowing what to do. Confusion was among the most unwelcome sentiments because, after all, she was Addison Shepherd, and that simply wasn't an option.

She had to chop the information she had inferred down. She went missing. Derek moved from New York to Seattle, probably under Mark's proddings. He probably sulked for a while before meeting Meredith. He married her. Her Derek was married to another woman legally.

Nothing made sense, although everything did, too, at the same time.

"Hey."

She looked up from her musings to see Derek's forlorn expression forcing an apologetic smile. She avoided his gaze and looked straight ahead, wanting to make sense of the situation.

"You can scream at me but can you wait until we get to a private place?" he asked, almost begged. If she was still the same Addison, she would want to scratch his eyes out, too.

Sighing, she nodded and stood up without a word, allowing Derek to guide her to his car. The drive to a hotel Derek thought was suitable was quiet, with an air of hostility between the newly reunited couple. Addison couldn't help but think that this was supposed to be a joyful event, something that would keep them in unadulterated bliss for at least a couple of weeks. But it had turned completely sour because Meredith didn't give them the courtesy to enjoy being together again. The moment was ruined forever.

Once he checked them both in, he guided her up the elevator and into the hotel room, all the while trying to read Addison's emotions. He always thought he could read her well, as if her emotions were his, too. But he couldn't quite place what she was feeling now. They had been apart for seven years. Maybe she was a different person all together.

Addison took a seat on the bed, having not said a word since Meredith's confrontation. But the storm was brewing inside of her, and she had no idea how she was ever going to keep her calm.

"You're married," she said simply, her voice full of pain, mirroring her the ones in her eyes.

He took a seat on the couch and nodded, unable to meet her gaze because then he'd see the hurt and he'd feel like the biggest asshole to ever walk the planet. "I thought I'd lost you."

She sighed, shifting on the bed and looking down at her shoes. "Do you love her?" She just had to ask. If any, that was going to be one of the deciding factors in the drama that was to unfold between them. Sometimes she felt like she was living in some big soap opera, maybe Days of Our Lives, and it wasn't fun.

"Sometimes, I think I do," he admitted quietly. It was true. He loved Meredith. But it wasn't the same kind of love he felt for Addison. With Addison, the intensity was so much that he would always feel intoxicated with every single detail about her. With Meredith, it was wary sometimes, forced even, but it was easy all the same.

"Do you love _me_?"

"You know I do," he said firmly, standing up from the couch and situating himself right beside her. He took her hands and forced her to meet his intense gaze, needing her to know that he meant. "I love you, Addison."

"Then _why_?" she asked, tears beginning to pool in her eyes. There it was; the hurt. She couldn't accept that he had moved on. Because that's wha it is, right? Him remarrying was a sign of moving on?

He shook his head. "I needed… I needed a reason to live. I needed a reason to keep on waking up each morning. Because… after you went missing… I felt like I wanted to die. I didn't know what had happened to you. I didn't know if you were alive. I didn't… think I could ever pick up the pieces and move on."

"But you did," she said quietly. "You found a reason to wake up every morning, and the reason isn't me."

"Against my better judgment," he said. "You have to know, Addie, that I never wanted to. I wanted to stay stuck. If I could pruposely do that, I would. But change is constant, and it was necessary then," he tried to explain. "But I'll leave her, Adds," he said emphatically. "I'll leave her and I'll be with you. You know I would drop anything to be with you."

"You can't just do that, Derek. She's your _wife_," she spat, as if the mere word was offensive. She took her hands back when she felt his cold wedding ring brush against palm, intensifying the complications of the situation.

"You are too."

"But apparently, that didn't stop you from marrying her," she said bitterly.

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair in confusion. "Addie…"

"For how long, Derek? How long have you been married?"

Derek stared at her, almost afraid to answer. "Five years," he whispered finally.

"Five years," she repeated quietly. "I… I'm honestly too shocked to figure out how I'm supposed to react," she answered. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I mean... it's so mixed that I can't point a finger at what's supposed to be dominant. I'm angry and I'm hurt and I feel betrayed. But at the same time... I'm happy.

"I'm happy to be alive, to be here, to even be seeing you regardless of the... trauma," she gulped, "that I went through. I'm happy that you're okay, that you aren't dead and that we're here, together, against all the odds. But I can't seem to focus on that happiness because something else is nagging at me, something that's akin to disappointment."

There was silence between them as they both tried to process the situation. They were both new to this, and it was apparent that they had no idea how to proceed.

"But you know what," Addison said determinedly. "At this moment, I'm choosing to be happy. I'll deal with the sadness later. But now... I just want to be thankful."

"I'm sorry," Derek said, the sincerity palpable. "I never should've—"

"Don't," she said, the rational side of her finally consuming her being. "Don't be sorry that it happened. It did and there's nothing to do but move forward."

He exhaled loudly, slowly feeling frustrated. "This should've been a happy occasion," he muttered.

Addison nodded, agreeing. "This isn't how I pictured it myself," she answered dryly.

"Are you… angry?"

She thought about for a moment and shrugged. "I can't really say. I am, I suppose. But I can't deny the fact that I understand, to some extent."

"You do?" he asked with incredulity.

"I don't know. But… the only way to go is forward."

"Forward," he repeated. "How?"

"We'll talk about it next time, okay? Right now, all I want is to curl up and sleep on a bed for the first time in seven years. I want to pretend that none of the new wife thing ever happened. Can we do that?"

He nodded, smiling slightly. "I suppose I can."

"Good," she said, taking her shoes off and laying down on the bed. "Can you hold me tonight and just… it's what I need," she whispered. "I missed it. I mean, can we pretend that we're happy and there aren't any complications to this? I need this one night to be happy."

He complied, shutting the lights off and laying down, spooning her in his strong arms and breathing in her scent, one he thought he would never be able to again. It was such a familiar feeling, and he felt as if everything had fallen into place, even though it was quite far from it. His Addison was there, in his arms, safe and secure. And even if they were far from okay, he vowed he would never let anything happen to her again.

"Thank you."

"I love you, Addison," he whispered, pulling her tighter to him and kissing the top of her head. "And I missed you.... too much for my own sanity."

"Mmmm," she replied. "I love you too," she whispered back, allowing much needed rest to consume her. She was content, at that very moment, and for a while, nothing else mattered.

* * *

Okay. So Addison's back, Meredith's a bitch, and Addie's going to be the fighter we've all come to love. I'm sorry it doesn't show a lot of happiness, or sadness either. But I meant for it to be a big ball of confusion so... yeah. :))

So, let me know what you think and thanks so much for reading! :D :)


	5. Chapter 4

AN: Sorry for taking so long to update. After all the feedback (which I greatly appreciate, btw!), I had to rethink this chapter and redo it several times so it won't seem like it's going too fast. I still think it's moving too fast, but I really have no idea how to fix it. I guess I'm just too excited for all the drama to come in. (This really brings me to my dire need of a BETA. Please? PM me!:)) )

There. Thanks so much for all the reviews and constructive criticisms. They help me better the chapters ahead so please, keep them coming. :)

- I own nothing.

* * *

"So… are we going to talk?"

Addison looked up from her sorting and met Derek's questioning gaze. "I don't know," she answered, and went back to sorting the things her mother had sent to her. Bizzy shipped in half of Addison's clothes, shoes, even a mobile phone so that in essence, Addison was ready to function like her old self.

Derek exhaled loudly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Alright, fine. I have no idea if you're ready or not, but I am and I want to talk."

She raised a brow at him as if to say, go ahead.

"I talk, you listen. Okay?"

Addison nodded. "Okay."

"Good," he said, and paused to gather his thoughts. "The day you went missing, Mark and I went to the station because the police called and said they found your car near Washington Bridge. They couldn't find any trace of you whatsoever that… after two months of searching, the police had to suspend the search because it was proving futile."

Addison stared at him and nodded, urging him to continue.

Derek sighed, moving from the bed and sitting beside her on the floor, helping her out with the boxes. "They had to issue a death certificate."

"Hence the 2nd wedding," Addison commented dryly, piecing that information herself.

"Yeah."

She raised a brow at him. "So what happens now? I mean, obviously I'm not dead. Legally, then, what should—"

"The death certificate is declared void once they can prove you're alive."

"Void," she repeated. "Okay." It was coming together in her brain now, and she felt as if she were ready to put the past seven years behind her.

"Addie… I need to know what happened. To you," he said pleadingly.

She shook her head. "I'm not ready to talk about that yet," she replied adamantly. It wasn't something she was willing to divulge, even to Derek.

He looked at her with a pained expression, one that almost begged her to give him an ounce of clarity amid the chaos. It was the missing link; something he had to know or else he would believe Addison went missing on purpose, though it was highly unlikely. He needed an explanation for the mystery behind he 7-year disappearance and more sudden reappearance. If any, it was for his own peace of mind, so that he could finally sleep well during the night and wake up optimistic about the future. "Adds…"

It was Addison's turn to sigh. She knew it was her responsibility to at least tell him what had happened to her. It was his right to know. But something at the back of her head refused her to even remember. She just wanted to leave it all behind, although that was highly unlikely because neither she nor Derek would find peace.

Deciding she could spare part of herself, she met Derek's pained gaze and nodded.

_She was pushing her cart out of the supermarket, distracted but quite aware of her surroundings nonetheless. She knew she should've been paying more attention, considering she's had the gut feeling of something terribly wrong about to happen since that morning, but she couldn't stay focused on just one thing._

_That was the downside of days off. She'd come up with a ton of things she'd want to do during the week, and she'd end up too overwhelmed to do any of them during her day off. Today was no exception. Addison was busy thinking about learning to garden so she could share in her husband's apparent love for nature. It was pretty farfetched considering they lived in a brownstone in New York, with no garden to speak of. But practicality aside, she just wanted to find things in common with Derek so they'd have more quality time together. _

_She got to her car and started piling the groceries in her trunk when a man who looked to be in his mid-twenties approached her. He was clean shaven, good-looking, and unbelievably polite that Addison couldn't help but be drawn to him. _

"_Good afternoon, Ma'am," he greeted, flashing her a grin._

_She knew she should've been wary of people like him, but she wasn't. She was so drawn to him that she couldn't find it in her to stay away. "Good afternoon," she said back, smiling slightly. _

"_I'm John," he said, extending his hand to shake Addison's. "I'm a real-estate guy, and I was wondering if you'd be interested to look at some property in the Upper East Side? You'd blend perfectly well there. You're very pretty."_

_Addison laughed at the complement, closing her trunk and shaking her head. "Actually, I already have a house. My husband and I just bought it so I'm not really looking into buying another one in the near future."_

_John nodded, fishing out a card from his pocket and handing it to her. "But… take my card? You know, just in case you change your mind," he grinned, flirting subtly. _

_She stared at the card as if contemplating its use in her life. She didn't really need a real-estate agent. "Mmmmm."_

"_Come on. Just a card. Some of your friends might need an agent," he winked, coaxing her. _

_Addison sighed, taking the card and stuffing it in her purse. "All right, fine. I'll give you a call if something comes up," she smiled and politely pushed her way around him and into her car, locking the doors as soon as she did so. _

_Addison was highly perceptive, so she waited until the man completely out of sight before she pulled the card out again, staring at it somewhat suspiciously. Seeing that nothing was too much out of the ordinary, she decided that whatever was unnerving her was just in her brain, and she sped off, out of the parking lot and into the streets. _

Derek met her gaze, the quiet between them settling slowly.

"Der…"

"And then what?" he asked, interrupting her and taking her hand and squeezing it lightly. "What happened after that?"

Addison shrugged. "And then I remember feeling dizzy, too dizzy to keep on driving. So I pulled over at the shoulder and then… well… everything went black. The next thing I knew, my hands were bound together and there were, like, 3 other girls in this dark room god knows where."

"And what happened there?" he asked anxiously.

Addie shook her head. "That's a story for another time, Derek," she compromised. "I don't… I don't really want to tell you. Not yet, anyway," she continued warily.

Derek nodded with understanding, thankful that Addison wasn't completely shutting him out. He was finally one step closer to completing whatever puzzle his life had become after her disappearance. Though they had more issues to resolve, there were things they had to deal with more sooner. "But Adds…"

"Der…"

"Did they… touch you?" he asked, dreading the answer. "I mean… shouldn't we have someone at the hospital check you out or…"

Addison shook her head defiantly. "No… no, Derek, I'm fine, don't worry. I mean… there's nothing to be worried about… physically," she stuttered.

"Are you sure? Addie, it's been 7 years. You're going to need a physical and—"

"I'm a doctor, too Derek," she snapped, more forcefully than she had intended. She was slowly feeling exasperated with conversing about a topic she wasn't very comfortable with. "I'm a doctor too and I'm telling you, _I'm fine_."

"Addie, please. For me… for my peace of mind."

Addison stopped her folding and closed her eyes as if to calm herself down. She took a couple of deep breaths and reopened her eyes to stare at Derek, relenting. "Fine."

Derek grinned. "Thank you," he said, and moved to kiss her on the lips, but she turned her head so that the kiss landed on her cheek. He pulled away astonished, shocked at her distance.

She shrugged. "Technically, you're married to someone else. I'm not about to have you kiss me when you're committed to Meredith."

"Seven years," he whispered.

"I know. And as much as my body is craving for you, too, I can't have you touch me until you're really _mine_. Because if you do… I'm afraid I might never let you go, and that's out of the question." Her voice was haughty, but it wasn't void of the confusion that was etched so deep in her soul, deeper than any 24-hour emotion should've gone. "I can't be selfish about this, and neither can you."

Derek knew she was putting up brick walls around herself, guarding her heart and protecting her emotions from any more heartbreak. It was understandable to some extent, but he couldn't believe she would actually hold out for much longer.

Addison sighed, feeling awful about the way things were unfolding. She didn't exactly know what to expect after being released, but she didn't expect things to be this awkward. "Der… why don't you just… leave? For now? I'll meet you at the hospital. But just… go and talk things out with your wife," she said, feeling her heart constrict in pain at the mention of Meredith. She couldn't, however, deal with the complications while Derek was right in front of her because she knew she was going to breakdown, and breaking down was never an option.

He shook his head defiantly. "Addison, I honestly have no idea if none of the past seven years mattered any to you, but the last years mean a lot to me and I would appreciate more time to be with you."

"It's only for now, Derek," she let out. "…until we can sort out our emotions and I can tell you exactly what I feel about this whole situation."

"What about how _I_ feel?" he countered.

"Haven't you made things clear to me yet? I understand. You were hurt and lost so you married Meredith. Out of what, I don't know. But you say you missed me and you love me and you're willing to leave her for me."

"That's right."

She huffed and stared at him, challenging him with her fierce eyes. A moment later, she shook her head and looked down. "Just go. I can't… deal with this right now, Derek. I want to sort out the less complicated parts of my life first before I deal with you."

"So I'm complicated?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she said bitterly, forcing herself to be strong and not cry. It was uncalled for at a situation like this.

He nodded, pursing his lips together and standing up from the floor. He paused for a short moment, trying to gather his sanity although he refused to leave. He knew, though, that dealing with a stubborn Addison would prove useless on his part, so he decided that regardless of the fact that the excitement from her reappearance was still very much a hype, he had to think things through himself. "Do you really want me to go?" seemingly accepting the way Addison had just called him a complication. He knew it was true anyway, and the term complicated was the least of his worries, considering he could be called nastier names.

She looked up and smiled at him appreciatively. "For now, yes."

"I'll be the hospital," he murmured, and kissed the top of her head before leaving somewhat reluctantly. If he had it his way, he never would've left her side. But it was what she wanted, and the least he could do was respect her wishes.

After Derek left, Addison stayed seated on the floor, staring blankly ahead before she stood up and picked her mobile up, dialing her father about the one thing that was bothering her more than anything.

She would admit to anyone that the thing she was most concerned about was Meredith. She had long been dreaming of the way she would be reunited with the love of her life after so many years. She had always thought it would be perfect, that they would hold each other for hours and sob, music playing in their heads and proclamations of love going on and on from them both. But what had happened was far from that, too far actually that Derek was called immediately to surgery, that they only got to hold each other for about 10 minutes, that it wasn't long before Meredith Grey introduced herself as Meredith Shepherd.

It sounded wrong. Meredith Shepherd just didn't roll of her tongue as smoothly as Addison Shepherd did. But that was Derek's choice.

She dialed her father's mobile and waited for him to pick, impatiently tapping her foot on the carpeted floor.

"Dad," she greeted, her voice affectionate, but tired just the same.

"Addie-bee?"

Addison sighed. "Hi, Daddy."

She heard him laugh a low and hearty peel, no doubt relishing in the sound of her voice once again, just like he did the day previous when she had called them up. "Hi, honey. How're you doing? You okay? Got settled in already? Are you comfortable where you're at?"

Addison had to smile at her father's concern, knowing it had been a long time since she heard him sound so loving. "I… I'm as good as could be expected," she answered quietly.

"Oh?"

She nodded. "But… well… there's…"

"Adds…"

"There's something you didn't tell me when I called yesterday." Her tone wasn't accusing. She knew her parents were trying to protect her, trying not to burst her happy bubble. There was no way the truth was going to hurt less, whether she heard it from her parents, from Derek or from Meredith.

Anthony Montgomery sat up straighter from where he was seated, dreading the conversation he was about to have with his only daughter. He knew where it was going to go, and he knew it wouldn't be pretty. "He told you, didn't he?"

"Actually, I would've appreciated that," she said dryly. "But he didn't. That twig of a girl went right up to me and introduced herself." The bitterness in her voice was apparent, seeping its way through every syllable, emphasizing her sorrow.

"Meredith."

She nodded again. "Dad… I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I have… I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel," she admitted openly, feeling her heart contrict, the emotional pain transforming into a physical one.

"You can be happy for a while," he suggested. "Allow yourself a week to calm yourself down from all the excitement. In that time, find out what you really want and then… well… go from there."

"It's not that easy, dad. I waited for this for 7 years."

"I know you did, Addie-bee, and I for one can't wait to see you again. But you can't rush into decisions and—"

"Their marriage," she interrupted, losing no time to get directly to the point. "It's void, right? They can't really be married because I'm not dead and technically, he's still married to me. The death certificate isn't supposed to hold true."

Anthony sighed, rubbing his face with his hand, frustrated. "Yes. But Addie--"

"So you can do something about?" she asked, the hope in her voice high.

"Addie-bee…"

"Please, dad," she begged. "You have to do this. You have no idea how tormented I feel right now and I just… I thought the moment I'd be in Derek's arms again, I would be able to sleep for more than an hour each night. But I was wrong. I didn't sleep a wink last night."

"Honey, what does Derek want?" he asked softly. "You can't just… you can't just sabotage whatever relationship he has with Meredith. Now, I'm on your side hands down, but you have to consider what Derek would want and what kind of relationship he has with Meredith. As far as I can tell, she's held him together in the time that you were gone."

She paused, thinking about her father's words and knowing it was true. Sure she didn't know exactly how Derek felt about the situation, but wasn't it quite obvious that he wanted to be with her? He admitted it himself. "He… he said he was willing to leave her for me," she said quietly.

"And do you believe it? Honey, Meredith is tough competition. Don't underestimate her. Sounds to me that when she introduced herself to you, she's headstrong about keeping Derek. She didn't nurse him back to health, only to hand him back to you. Now, I know this hurts to hear and I know you want to scratch her eyes out now, but it's the truth."

"Then what do I do?" she asked desperately, almost hopelessly.

"You wait it out," he answered with wisdom.

Addison shook her head defiantly. "I can't. I can't because every time Derek's face comes to mind, my stomach drops and I can't think clearly. This is bothering me to the point of torment and I just… want it over with," she explained, her voice pained and weary. "I want a solution."

Anthony knew his daughter well. She never tolerated unsolved problems, rarely slept on things that bothered her. She was always so sure of herself and today was no exception. "What do you want me to do?" he asked finally.

"Declare the marriage void," she said simply. "It's the only thing that'll ease my mind and allow me to enjoy my reunion with you guys."

"Are you sure? Meredith might fight back?" he warned, though he knew all the influential lawyers were on their side.

She laughed, a cynical and sarcastic laugh that it made Addison wonder if some spirit possessed her. "I'm more of a fighter than she'll ever be, dad. Don't you know that by now?"

* * *

AN: Okay. Tell me what you think please? That's like my lame attempt at bettering the quick pace of the story. I hope it works. Let me know? :) Thanks for reading! :)


	6. Chapter 5

AN: Before you start throwing tomatoes at me, please allow me to apologize for not updating for over two months. I'm pretty shocked at myself because I normally update within a week or two. But it seems my Addek muse has evaded me, replaced by a reluctant Chemistry muse. I promise I'll start updating more regularly this time though. I'm really sorry for the incredibly long delay. I hope you forgive me after reading this chapter though. I'll admit I had writer's block even as I typed this chap away, so it's not like the other chapters. Consider this my momentum-gaining chapter of sorts.

Nevertheless, thank you so much for reviewing the previous chapters, most especially to the readers who PM-ed me constantly, asking for an update. Thanks for pushing me to finally finish this chapter. :)

Okay. So... Please read. I hope you like it. :)

- As always, I own absolutely nothing.

* * *

Of one thing Derek Shepherd was sure of: things were going way too fast for his mind to comprehend properly. He was more than elated to have Addison back, but somehow, she was thinking more clearly than he was, and she was aware of the consequences of the past seven years. Somehow, despite the things she had been through, her mind was able to grasp the idea of Derek being married to Meredith while he, having had 7 years to dream of this occasion, had no idea how to sort his life out.

He walked hurriedly through the front doors of Seattle Grace, scanning the lobby quickly before brisk walking to his office. He didn't want to deal with Meredith just yet. He didn't want to interact with anybody, even. All he wanted was to clear his head so he could come up with a decent way of dealing with things. But his hopes were not to be granted, for as he rounded the corner, Meredith was standing there and had unfortunately noticed him. He had to suppress an oncoming eye roll as she neared him.

She put on a small grin and proceeded to walk towards him, much to his dismay. "Good morning," she greeted sweetly, moving to kiss him on the cheek.

Derek nodded, clenching his jaw and trying to stay calm. Whatever conversation he was going to have with Meredith would only drive him to near insanity. "Mmmm," he said, and repositioned himself so he could make a quick escape. "Listen, I can't talk right now. I have surgery and—"

"You don't have surgery," she said matter-of-factly, crossing her arms defiantly. It was astounding to see her tranform so quickly from the sweet Meredith to this rather stern version of herself. "I checked the board, and I spoke with the Chief this morning. You don't have surgery," she repeated. "And we have to talk—"

"I have work," he bit back, unable to prevent the slightest bit of anger from lacing his tone. "We're not going to talk about anything. Not yet anyway. Not after what you did to Addison."

Meredith sighed, rubbing her temples for a moment before meeting his gaze again. "Derek…"

"Just don't, okay?" he said, his facial expression softening ever so slightly. "Not yet. I can't deal with all of this without thinking things through. In the meantime, for your sake and mine, stay as far away from Addison as possible. You don't want anything to happen, anything we might both regret. It would be best if you just... please, for the life of me, follow my lead on this."

She stared at him for a full minute before nodding slowly, her reasonable side slowly returning.

He gave her a small smile and nodded. "Thank you," he whispered, and pressed a meaningless kiss on her forehead. He pulled back and stared at her, her features mirroring both her physical and emotional exhaustion. Pursing his lips, he took a deep breath and swallowed. "You feeling okay?"

"Seriously?" she questioned.

"I mean, Addison aside. You okay?" He studied her carefully, noting the way she tried to stay strong and reasonable even if he knew all she wanted to do was to throw a tantrum. It was endearing, and he felt a wave of affection course through upon seeing the way she struggled to please him.

"Headache here and there. Don't think about it. It's probably either coffee overdose or coffee _under_dose, if that's even a word," she said, chuckling nervously. "It's nothing," she resigned.

He nodded. "Mmm. Well, take a nap whenever you can," he resolved and walked away, glancing back only once before heading straight to his office. He could not allow himself to think of anything but fixing the mess he was in. He couldn't show any affection to either Meredith or Addison, even if he wanted desperately to feel Addison in the way he was deprived of for the past 7 years; even if he desperately wanted to shy away all of Meredith's insecurities. He realized, now, that he couldn't just give Meredith up the way he told Addison he would. She was a part of his life just as Addison was. But he had to shake his head at the thought of it all.

When he got to his office, he locked the door and plopped down on his leather chair, resting his elbows on the table whilst his chin rested on the tip of his fingers. He stared straight into the wall, trying hard to ignore the framed picture on his wooden desk, one of him and Meredith on their wedding day. He resisted the urge to place it face down on his desk's wooden surface, just as he resisted the urge to point a gun to his head and allow the earth to swallow him whole.

He had established that things were messed up, that despite the seven years he had to prepare for this moment, he had come up with nothing to make the impact less hurtful for both Addison and Meredith. Everything was a whirlwind of confusion in his head.

Addison.

Meredith.

Addison.

Meredith.

Addison.

Meredith.

It was a never-ending echo of words, of memories, of pictures and places in his head. And there was nothing to stop the unceasing motion of the waves drifting undecidedly between Meredith and Addison.

He had no doubt that he loved them both, that he would do everything in his power to make them happy. But he also knew that deep down, one of them weighed heavier than other in his scale of love, and he would choose that person once he was sure of it.

On one hand, Meredith loved him at his worst, accepted him for who he was and was willing to wait out his obsession with Addison. She was his cushion, his shock absorber and the person who made sure he woke up each morning for the past seven years. It would be no understatement to say that she was his savior, the woman who helped through life and got him back on his feet again. Despite the challenges she rammed through, especially with Addison, she remained a loving constant in his life, and for that, he was grateful. He would be utterly unfair to both him and Meredith if he let her go that easily.

On the other hand, Addison was his one true love, the love of his life, his soulmate, no matter how cliché it all sounded. She was the person who made him who he was, the very reason he did things the way he did. She was the woman who plucked him out of his obscurity and showed him that there was life beyond his confines with Mark Sloan. Addison was the very core of his being, the sunlight that shown through despite the darkness surrounding him. All of who he was was a tribute to Addison, a model to fit perfectly against her own personality. They had molded each other into who they were both now that it was hard to say Derek without saying Addison, or to think of Addison without thinking of Derek. It was amazing, he realized, how much lighter he felt at just seeing her after seven years. She held such a big part of his heart that it was near impossible to have to live without her.

Comparing both their worth, he suddenly realized how much more concrete Meredith meant to him than Addison. But he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that whatever Meredith scavenged of him was each a part of Addison, too. And with that thought, he was back to square one, knowing he would never get to decide unless someone else decided for him. Nothing in his life could have prepared him to make the biggest decision yet, one that could potentially make or break his own life, and the lives of the people around him. Moreover, this was not just a question of who he loved more, but a consideration of the people who had remained constant with him all throughout this entire ordeal. This decision wasn't up to him alone, although he knew he would pay the consequences. Rather, it was a mammoth of implications that he had to carry on his shoulders, the weight becoming increasingly hard to manage as the faces of both Addison and Meredith taunted him in his head.

-

Addison stared at the blank hotel wall, much like the way Derek was at that very moment, albeit unbeknownst to them both. She had been thinking her father's words through, realizing at some point that she would have to consider Derek's feelings, as well as Meredith's. She couldn't just declare the marriage void. For all she knew, Derek only said he'd leave Meredith to calm her down. And as far as she was concerned, she neither dreamed of a life with an unsatisfied Derek, nor a life seeing him and Meredith together.

How things got to be this complicated, she wasn't sure. And how she was to get through this alive was more a mystery than anything else. Everything was clouded. She knew what she had to do. She knew what the right course of action was. But this was the embodiment of what people would always tell her; that the right choice and the hardest choice are usually one and the same.

Sighing whilst running her fingers through her hair, she stood up and checked her appearance in the mirror, frowning at the wrinkles that started to form on her face, and the alarming weight loss that made itself painfully known through her suddenly oversized clothes. How long would it take to get her life back on track? How long would it be until the nightmares ceased and fairytale romance started once again? She had no answer to the countless questions coursing through her head. What was left was a void that filled her heart and an overwhelming amount of psychological problems occupying every corner and abyss in her brain.

Slipping her shoes on, she bit her lip with dread as she realized she was going to the hospital; a hospital in which she could quite possibly bump into Meredith and Derek together. Addison Shepherd was a bitter woman. But despite the bitterness, she wasn't vindictive once she thought things through. But things had changed. _She_ had changed. She was a far cry from the woman she once was, and she'd be damned if she let the incident overcome her more than it already had. She had to retain a considerable amount of dignity, of proud, so that she could prove to everyone, to herself most especially, that she was strong and that she needed no downtime to bounce back. She was, after all, Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery- Shepherd. She was a steel butterfly.

Walking the short distance to the hospital, she wondered if she was thinking clearly enough, if she was ready to face this battle head on, and if reason would come to her as it always used to. She wasn't willing to give Derek up, but something at the back of her head told her that if she and Derek ended up together, a deep sense of guilt would consume not only Derek, but herself as well, and it would make things more difficult. She knew, over and over again, that the confusion was eating her, and Derek, and Meredith, and that the sooner things settled down, the better.

However, she could not get over the fact that Meredith had waltzed straight into a sleeping predator's line of sight, and woke her up with a banging so loud that it left her cunning and vindictive, against her better judgment. But who was she to blame? No one, really, except for the mad man who kidnapped her all those years ago. Had she known things would be this complicated, she probably would have asked him to kill her off, just like he had with those other poor girls.

She shivered involuntarily as the memory made its way to her consciousness, taunting her to be consumed in its masochistic appeal. But she was not to be swayed. She would bury it until all immediate troubles were taken cared of, and deal with it then.

Upon entering Seattle Grace, she surveyed the premises for the twig and her husband, all the while bracing herself for any sudden bouts of jealousy or hurt or anger. But they were nowhere in sight. She breathed a sigh of relief, thankful to the unnamed gods that her luck had not run out all these years. Instead, it was Richard Webber who stood but a few feet away from her, having just bid a visitor goodbye before spotting her.

Richard Webber was like her surrogate father. And she was thankful for the momentary distraction that seeing him came with. She put on a big grin and walked briskly towards him, allowing the man to wrap his arms around her in a fatherly embrace. She almost felt her knees go weak at the sweet affection Richard Webber showed her, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck, savoring the warmth of fatherly love that emanated from him.

"My, my. Look at you," he said jovially, the relief in his voice not lost on her. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

She pulled away and chuckled, wiping a few tears that had escaped with the back of her hand before breathing in to calm her down. Honestly, she didn't expect to feel this much emotion at being reunited with her mentor. But then again, there were a lot of things she hadn't been expecting, partly because she didn't know what to expect at all. "Well, I'm here," she stated proudly, as if trying to prove that nothing, not even a sadistic mad man plucking her out of her blissful life, could get in her way.

He nodded, returning the wide grin and taking hold of her hand. "You are indeed. How have you been, Addie?" Happy was an understatement. He was more than elated to have Addison back, safe and sound at that.

"That's a story for some other time, Chief. But I'm as good as could be," she grinned, convincing herself that the more she pushed the past seven years away, the farther it would be from haunting her.

"Good," he answered, and gestured for her to walk with him, to which she complied. "How long has it been?"

"Seven years," she stated, her eyes traveling cautiously around her. "And apparently, seven years too long."

Richard patted her back sympathetically. "I assume you've heard?"

"I have," she nodded. "But it's not like I heard it through the gossip mill or anything like that. _She_ was very upfront about it."

He could very well sense the pain behind her otherwise dry tone, knowing full well that Addison's pride came before all else, unless it was Derek they were talking about. But she was able to mask her pain very well that to the untrained ear, she would have come off as uncaring. "She's very naïve that way."

"She is," she answered, agreeing before clearing her throat, longing to get the distraction back. "How's Adele?" she asked, quickly changing the subject so that she wouldn't have to talk about the state her marriage was in. It was a crappy marriage. Well, both marriages actually. But more than the act of getting married, it was committing himself to another woman that made Addison's blood boil, especially after all the promises. She had to remind herself constantly that she could blame neither Derek nor Meredith because no one could have foreseen her return.

He didn't push the issue, resigning himself to the fact that Addison would tell him when she was ready. Although he noticed the unmistakable evasion in her demeanor, it was her story to tell and not his place to pry. "Adele is doing very well, actually. We're celebrating our 30th anniversary next month."

She smiled. "That's wonderful, Richard."

"She talks about you a lot, you know. You were always her favorite Shepherd," he winked, knowing it was indeed true. Between Derek and Addison, both Webbers teasingly preferred Addison to Derek, although they loved them both equally.

Addison had to laugh at this, imagining sweet Adele Webber and making a mental note to call her up. "I sure hope Derek doesn't know that."

"I think he does, deep down," he said, smiling. "But I told her how you are last night, and she's excited to see you. You know how she is when she gets excited."

"I do. Maybe we can all have dinner sometime," she suggested, her tone hopeful.

It was rather strange to converse with Addison as if she were merely a colleague he had not seen for so long. Although it was partly true, it was unnerving to jump back to normalcy despite the traumatic experience he knew she went through. And although it was probably her way of dealing with things, he could not quite grasp how she wanted to act as if nothing completely life changing had transpired. But then again, he was in no position to question her coping mechanism, and decided to respect her wishes until she was ready.

"Adele would love that."

She grinned, allowing Richard to open to door to his office and plopping down on his leather couch. Crossing her legs and turning toward his desk, she watched him take a seat and rest his back on the chair.

"You here to pick up Derek?"

"Sort of. He wants me to get a physical," she commented dryly. "I mean, I'm fine. I'm a little underweight, but otherwise I'm completely healthy."

"I can understand where he's coming from, actually. I'm sorry, but this time, I'm taking his side."

Addison smiled warmly, nodding. "I knew you would. Which is why I'm here, right?"

The chief nodded. "Why don't I set you up with one of our residents and get you checked out?"

"That would be wonderful, thank you." She watched as he picked up the phone and gave instructions to Patricia, his secretary, while her mind drifted off to a dark place all against her will. All of a sudden, she wasn't in Richard's office anymore, but in the damp basement somewhere in the east coast, watching as one of the girls was untied and hit mercilessly until the blood splattered everywhere, including her own body. Suddenly, she couldn't hear Richard talking into the phone, but the loud screams of help amid torture that wracked her brains for the past seven years. She was involuntarily taken to a dark place she would have preferred to bury or forget all together.

But just as quickly as it came, the vision vanished and she was back in the warm room, her breathing rapid and ragged, and her goose bumps at its best. She was shaking, albeit slightly, and staring straight ahead as she tried to rid herself of the horrendous vision that suddenly plagued her. It was all over now, and that was what she was trying to focus on.

"Addie?"

She snapped out of her trancelike state and turned her head to Richard, trying to conceal the remains of her memories with a nervous smile. "Yeah?"

He quirked a brow at her unusual behavior but thought nothing of it, considering Addison would never tell him anyway. "Miranda Bailey's coming up to get you started."

Addison smiled appreciatively and nodded. "That's great."

"She's one of Seattle Grace's best. My pride, really."

"Same old you," she teased.

"Speaking of the same old me," he laughed, "how would you like to join our team? I mean, once you're all settled in." It was bad timing, he knew, and a little inconsiderate too. But if Addison was craving for normalcy, then he could give that to her. He always knew that the moment Addison's hand gripped a scalpel, or the moment her body entered an OR, she was centered and everything else in the world would just fade to oblivion. If anything was going to help her get better, it would be doing what she did best, and that was surgery.

"I'm a little rusty," she warned, but she was drawn to the offer. There was always an invisible magnetic force that drew her to the hospital, to the surgery, to medicine. It was always so simple, and she was always at her best. She wouldn't deny that her craving for something that remained unchanged came in the form of medicine, of surgery, and for that, she was grateful.

"We'll brush you up. But I think you'll be good to go in no time."

She thought about it for a moment and smiled. "I'll have to think things through, Richard. It's a wonderful offer and I'd love to accept it right here, right now. But there are some things that I have to take care of before I say yes completely." How she wanted to accept it, to jump into the OR and get her wanted adrenaline rush in a matter of moments. But she was reasonable, and logical, which meant that she knew she would only be hiding instead of facing her problems.

He nodded understandingly. "At any rate, the offer stands, Addie. Anything I can do to help you, please, let me know."

"I'll remember to," she answered, and sighed as they waited awkwardly for Miranda Bailey's knock on the door.

-

"She's back."

"I know."

Derek sighed, pressing the phone to his ear as he paced his office. He had been locked up in his office the entirety of the day, clearing his head and trying to come to a sensible decision. "Things are so complicated."

"Already?"

"My sentiments exactly," he replied dryly. "Mark, I don't know what to do. She's thinking clearer than I am, and she wants the whole Meredith thing taken cared of before she even kisses me."

Mark laughed from the other end of the line, his baritone music to a lady's ears. "Is that what you're worried about? That you haven't gotten laid since she arrived?"

"Mark," he warned, sighing with exasperation.

"Sorry," he chuckled. "Where is she?"

"At the hotel, maybe. Or here getting her physical. I don't know. I've ostracized myself from everyone this whole day." The weight of the world was on his shoulders, at least to him. Addison was his world, the operative word being _was_. But he acknowledged that he wanted the operative word to always and forever be _is_.

"I hate to say this, man, but you're gonna have to choose." If it weren't for the fact that Addison had been through enough, Mark would've found the whole situation quite amusing. This was exactly the reason why he never cared for marriage or commitment or anything like that. He preferred the life of a bachelor, prancing around from woman to woman, unfamiliar apartment to unfamiliar apartment until the day he would realize that there's more to life than screwing anything with a vagina.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I think I got that too," the sarcasm dripping from every syllable. "The question is, who ends up hurt and who ends up with me?"

"You know, either way, you're going to hurt both of them. Say you choose Addison. Meredith gets hurt and all through your relationship with Addison, you feel guilty for hurting Meredith. It's the same the other way around. The question is… in which relationship will you feel the least amount of guilt? It's not even a question of which woman you love more, because you obviously love them for different reasons and there's no way to quantify that love. Rather, it's a question of which woman can you really, honestly, not live without?"

"I don't know," Derek answered. "I mean… if you were in my position, who would you choose?"

Mark sighed, taking a seat on his couch and adjusting his grip on his mobile. "Derek, we're two different people."

"By that you mean you'd choose the woman you've had more orgasms with, right?"

"Very funny," Mark said sarcastically. "Although that's probably right."

"Not helping."

Mark sighed. "Look, Derek. Honestly, you shouldn't be asking me. I may be your best friend but I'm also Addie's best friend, which only means that I have a very biased opinion. I love Meredith too. I like her for you. But Addison is Addison, and she's the original Mrs. Derek Shepherd. You know I was never really a fan of remakes. If I like Meredith for you, I am over the roof with loving Addison for you. You guys are... solid, you know what I mean? You love her so much regardless of that wedding ring you have on your finger right now."

"So you're telling me to choose Addison?" he asked, needing someone to affirm his decisions, to make his choice easier. Sometimes, he thought, it was less difficult if there was no choice to speak of, no option to be made. But then again, that would also mean that Addison would never return to him.

"I'm not telling you to choose Addison. I'm telling you _I_ would choose Addison. Don't do it out of guilt or anything like that. Choose because you know you'll be happiest with her."

It was Derek's turn to sigh, his head aching at the whirlwind of thoughts plaguing him. "How did I ever end up in this mess, Mark?"

"I don't know, Derek. But why don't you try this? Take it a step at a time. Enjoy your little reunion with Addison first and just go from there. Knowing Addie, she would never agree to being second best. She's always going to have to be number one. So try to imagine your life ten years from now and tell me, is Addison still number one?"

Derek had to chuckle in spite of the moment, grateful for the temporary distraction. "You know, for a manwhore, you're pretty substantial."

Mark Sloan rolled his eyes, whilst scanning his laptop for plane tickets to Seattle. "Heaven forbid that the world's foremost plastic surgeon would know nothing about love and relationships," he sighed dramatically. "But listen, I'm booking myself a flight to go see the queen of passive-aggresiva myself. I'll be there within the week. In the meantime, please. Do yourself a favor and don't run away. Be upfront with both of them and make things clear. Addison won't appreciate it, and Meredith will end up being possessive, but that's just how it is. Take it a step at a time."

"Okay."

"But between you and me, Derek, you know as well as I do that if Meredith ever went missing just like Addison, you won't be as distraught as you were when it happened with Addison. She's Addison. If any, marrying Meredith was an excuse to get out of bed in the morning. Marrying Addison was never an excuse for anything. Marrying her was never out of neccessity."

Derek ran a hand through his brown curls and nodded, realizing the implications of his best friend's words. "Thanks, man."

"No problem. I'll see you soon."

"You too. Call the missus, okay? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you."

"Will do," Mark answered and hung up, glad he wasn't Derek Shepherd at that very moment. He loved Addison dearly, like a sister. And if he still felt as connected to the couple now as he did all those years ago, then he knew for sure that they were meant to be with each other.

What kind of god would bring Addison back from whatever shitland she had come from, only to spite Derek by not being destined for each other? Mark knew that it was destiny. And for a man who cared not for love and serendipity and magic, that's got to mean something.

-

Meredith was desperate. She knew of no other way to make Derek stay with her. He was slipping, drifting away from her like a piece of the Antarctic Cap drifting in open water. If any, her thoughtless actions were all a desperate attempt to keep him. But as she would soon realize, the more she held on to him, the more he wriggled away, trying to set free. But she had announced determinedly that she would _indeed_ keep him, and she would do everything in her power to do so.

* * *

Okay. It doesn't contribute much, plot-wise. But I'm working on the next chapter, and that should keep the story moving. Please tell me what you think! I'm really, really sorry for taking so long to update. You have no idea how shocked I am with myself. But nevertheless, I hope you liked this chapter and I promise to update soon. :)

-marchingon


	7. Chapter 6

AN: I know, I know. I suck at updating. It's been another month. But my Addek muse seems to be evading me more frequently than before, and I can't write anything substantial without it. Nevertheless, here's the next chapter. The plot's going to be a little more interesting, and this definitely keeps the story going. =)

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates with all my fics. I've been busy with school and personal issues that I hardly find time to sit down and relax anymore. However, I'm co-writing a story called _Private Emotion_ with _Addie'sPractice_. Please check it out. The draft for the next chapters are already with me, but gathering dust because I'm too busy with school and peer mentoring. At any rate, please read it and let us know how we can improve.

Thanks for reading this fic, btw, and as always, I own nothing. =)

* * *

Another sleepless night had come and gone. After a short and very silent dinner with Addison, he decided to let her have her space to think while he thought things through himself. What started as an innocent meal gained such intense velocity in terms of words thrown, that they had to retreat before they started killing each other. He stared unceremoniously at the ceiling while he lay down on the top bunk of the on call room bed, needing to make a decision soon. Not a wink of sleep was to befall him as he weighed all the possibilities in his head. There weren't a lot of things he was sure of, and tonight was no exception to the confusion that was saturating his very being. So he spent it, whiling away the time weighing the pros and cons as Mark had advised, and cursing himself for digging a hole too deep for him to get out of.

And as the sun's bright rays slowly seeped into the dimmed on call room, he had come to a conclusion. It would hurt him to let go of Meredith, but he realized that as far as all the years he had spent with her was concerned, never had a day gone by that he didn't think of Addison Shepherd. It was in those quiet times that he would realize that his heart would always belong to that fiery redhead who, as always, was two steps ahead of him in every way possible. He knew Meredith wouldn't take it lightly, and he was sure Addison wouldn't either. But he would never find this much clarity again in his life, especially amid all the confusion saturating his every being.

So it was decided. He would leave Meredith for Addison. It wouldn't be quick and painless. And it sure as hell wouldn't go about without inflicting hurt on all three of them. But he had made up his mind that regardless of the turmoil, they would all eventually come to a place where they could call themselves civil, no matter how long it took. There was something to be said about the way he had come to that conclusion with just one night of thinking things through, it was that he had trusted his gut, his primal instincts, because they almost always led him to where he was meant to be.

With a sigh, he shifted himself to a sitting a position and rubbed his eyes tiredly. His heart was heavy, that was for sure. Because no matter how much he loved Addison, Meredith was his wife too, and he loved her dearly. He stared at the blank white wall for a good 3 minutes before he heaved another sigh and got out of bed. Today was going to be a long day, but he wasn't planning on prolonging anything. He would talk to Meredith and Addison as soon as he found a good time to. There was, after all, no reason for him to string along the both of them after he's had seven years to think.

He put his shoes on and ran a hand through his hair to make him look a little more presentable, before completely standing up and smoothing out the wrinkles on his scrub top. If there were anything he was dreading for the day, it would be the look that would be on Meredith's face. He didn't know what to expect, especially since there was a side of her he's never seen before. That side, the fighter, the _bitch_, was something he had never witnessed, and something he all together feared because now, both the women in his life weren't going to take shit from anyone, and that didn't spell anything positive at all.

He thought about dropping them both, leaving them in the air and starting over, with a clean slate. But it would be a waste to throw away all the history, and all his misery these past years would be in vain. How he came up with a decision in one night was beyond him, but regardless of his confidence in that decision, something far greater was at stake, and everything, the progress and the way they would move forward, was on his shoulders.

With another sigh, he walked to the door and out to the harsh reality he called his life, leaving the relative sanctuary of the on-call room to figure out a way to fix his mess. More than anything, he wanted to be sure that at least 80% of him, of his heart, of his soul, was in his decision, so that there would be less complications in the future. So he stalked to his office once again, plopping himself on the seat behind his desk and fishing out his mobile. He could feel the tension radiating from his body as he went about his chores.

He dialed Addison's familiar number, needing to make his decision concrete, to tell someone, to make him progress so that even if it was a hurried choice, he would find it in himself to stand up for it. He heard it ring thrice before the sound of Addison's sweet but tired voice filled his senses.

"Hey, babe," he greeted, tired but feeling a tiny bit lighter after hearing her voice.

Despite herself, a small smile crept on her features, and she adjusted her mobile phone. "Hi, Derek," she said back, fixing a strand of hair behind her ear.

Derek smiled slightly. "Did you sleep well?"

"Relatively well," she answered. "Still getting used to sleeping on a bed, but I'm getting there." Her answer was honest, and it would seem as if she innocently wore her heart on her sleeve. But really, it was just her exhaustion that kept her from being guarded. She was much too tired both physically and emotionally, possibly even too tired to deal with Derek but it had to be done.

He was pensive as he pursed his lips in thought. "You sure you don't need anything to help you sleep?" he asked, the worry in his tone quite apparent. If she wasn't getting enough sleep, that was cause to worry, right?

She nodded into the phone. "Yeah. It just takes some time to get used to."

It was his turn to nod. Something in her voice made him worried, but he knew that worry was merely magnified because it would always be in his system to worry about Addison. "Are you still at the hotel?"

"Oh, no actually. I'm on my way to hospital to see you." In truth, she felt guilty about how she acted towards him the night before, practically giving him the silent treatment before berating him for things she knew were unfair. And although she knew he didn't deserve it, part of her couldn't restrain that bit of resentment towards him for picking up another bride. She was Addison Montgomery, and she didn't like sharing, especially the man in her life.

"Oh?" He was shocked. He wasn't expecting her to be so open about spending time with him, considering how their dinner went. He thought he was still mad at her, because somewhere along the lines, he was still shaken up too.

She shrugged, sheepish. "Yeah. I… I'm really sorry about last night. You didn't deserve that."

"Don't worry about it," he asserted.

"Still," she said, apprehensive. "I want to make it up to you. I was being unfair, and irrational, and I'm not entitled to that. So, to make it up to you, I...Are you free for lunch?"

Derek suppressed a slight chuckle and looked at his watch and realized he didn't have time for lunch today, only a leisurely breakfast before a 5-hour craniotomy scheduled. "No, I'm sorry. But I do have time for breakfast," he offered, his tone hopeful.

"Breakfast is fine. I'm on my way anyway," she said, taking up on the offer, but really just trying to get on his good side by being the one to compromise.

He nodded. "I'll meet you at the lobby?"

"Lobby sounds good. I'll be there in 15 minutes."

Despite everything, he found himself hastily combing his hair and brushing his teeth, even changing his scrubs so that he would look the least bit presentable even without a shower. He was excited to say the least, because regardless of the complications, part of him knew he had been deprived of spending time with Addison, and to be able to do so was a chance he could never pass up. It was a quick transition, from apprehensive to excited, and he didn't know where that had come from. All he knew was that something had sparked inside him, and he wanted to make the most out of spending time with his wife.

So in promptly 15 minutes, he situated himself at the lobby and waited for her red hair to appear amid the rush hour crowd at the hospital entrance. He tapped his foot impatiently, a sure sign of anticipation, and when he spotted her, he rushed to meet her whilst being conscious about how he smelled and looked. He almost felt as if he were back to his post-grad days, when he was trying to win over Addison during med school.

She spotted him making his way towards her, and she waved a little as a soft smile splayed on her face. Pushing past people, she met him halfway and shyly placed a kiss on his cheek, unwilling to take the chance to be part of the hospital rumor rill. After all, Richard had told her how awful the hospital grapevine was, news spreading like wildfire even during an emergency. It would be in her best interest to lay-low for a while, until their issues had been settled. She wasn't happy about it, but just like everything else they had called routine these past days, it had to be done.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself," she answered, feeling Derek pulling her towards a less crowded area of the hospital. "Breakfast?"

Derek nodded, planting an affectionate kiss on her forehead and lacing his fingers with hers tightly. "I was thinking of bringing you to some really good Seattle coffee."

"And bagels, maybe?" she asked, hopeful.

He turned his head and grinned at her. "Bagels it is. And waffles, too, if you want. I know this place that serves really good maple syrup with them."

She scrunched her face up in thought, pursing her lips as she tried to remember what maple syrup tasted like. She had almost, after all, forgotten just about everything, even the way Derek felt beside her. Everything now was new, and she fancied herself getting reacquainted with everything she used to know perfectly. "Are you sure you're not talking about IHOP or anything like that? I mean, I'm totally up for IHOP since I haven't had it in years, but did I honestly fly all the way to Seattle to drink IHOP coffee?"

Derek had to laugh at her remark, a tingling sensation filling his body as he was reminded of how they used to be, how _Addison_ used to be. It had been a while since he experienced this kind of comfort with someone, and although everything was far from fine between the two of them, he reveled in the temporary bubble they had put about themselves in order to, in essence, enjoy their reunion. "Well, I'll have you know that IHOP has been totally trumped by something far better out here," he grinned.

Addison looked up at him and met his playful gaze, shocking herself at the intensity of her emotions. She wasn't sure how to explain it, how to explain the things going through her head and filling her senses. In fact, the closest word she could associate to what she was encountering was herself being bipolar. She was gallivanting off from one emotion to another, all completely different that her mind couldn't grasp the way things were unfolding. How she had gone from forlorn, to angry, to blissful, to purposely ignorant was beyond her. It was as if she had very little control over her emotions, but couldn't do anything about the situation. So she chose to ride with it, pretending to be happy, pretending to be completely closed off from the world with only her and Derek in a cloistered space. Because she knew that if she faced what she called her soap-opera reality, she would find no peace of mind and drive herself completely insane.

So instead of allowing whatever logic was nagging at her brain, she allowed herself this moment to revel in the lack of reason and enjoy the blissful feeling of being in Derek's company once again. After all, there were still things left to be thankful for, and she could overlook the complications if only to be grateful for the things that went right in her life.

"Lead the way then," she said finally, and unlaced her fingers from Derek's grip to wrap her arms around his waist as they walked. He returned the gesture by letting his arm rest on her shoulder, the other one clutching her arms and reveling in the warmth of Addison's body close to him.

They continued to walk in comfortable silence, Derek occasionally rubbing his hand on Addison's back to make her feel warmer against the cold Seattle wind. When they got to the small café Derek had spoken of, he lead her to a corner table and slid on the seat in front of her. When they had ordered, another silence consumed the both of them, and all of a sudden, the easy company turned the tiniest bit awkward, with a lot waiting to be said but none of them willing to go first, or knowing how to say them. It was another case of them being bipolar, which wasn't really often, but it made them both sit on the edge of their seats more than they'd care to admit.

Addison stared at her hands, picking off invisible dirt under her fingernails before she heard Derek clear his throat in preparation to say something. She looked up and met his anticipatory gaze with a curious one of her own.

He smiled at her nervously, and she quirked her brow to urge him to go on.

"I know we weren't exactly the type to beat around the bush or anything like that," he started. "So I'm just going to go right out and say it."

"Okay?"

Derek breathed in, a long calming breath, and took Addison's hand in his. "I thought things through last night, and I've come to a decision."

Addison straightened her back in preparation for what could only be considered a life-changing choice. What Derek was going to say next would dictate how the future would turn out, and she hated how her life depended on the few short words Derek would be uttering in a moment's time.

"And?" Her breath was baited, but she managed to keep her tone even, with no trace of panic until it was absolutely necessary.

The subtle fear and anticipation in her eyes weren't lost on Derek, and he squeezed her hand in an attempt to reassure her. "I'm leaving Meredith," he said. "I'm divorcing her so we can be together."

She stared at him, trying to comprehend what he had just said. Well, of course he would leave Meredith, right? That's what he told her yesterday. But instead of dwelling on the fact that it was still up for debate for him until last night, she let it slip and let out a sigh of relief. Smiling slightly, she squeezed his hand back and nodded.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked, needing to know there was no turning back for him. "I mean, you have to be sure. I have to know that you won't wake up one morning and realize you miss her and then want to leave me. If you're just obsessing over your lost chance with me, then by all means, retract what you said. Because I want you to want me, _truly_. Not for any other reason."

He nodded, understanding her train of thought, and he knew that Addison needed the constancy. But more than anything, he needed Addison to know that whatever he vowed in front of friends and family all those years ago still held true, no matter what had transpired in those 12 years. He knew that Addison didn't need any more hurt in her life, and he was more than happy to promise her she wouldn't get hurt anymore.

"I want you, Adds. I still want the whole picket fence and mini-van dream. And no, that's not me being obsessed with a lost chance, as you put it. This is me really _wanting_ to be with you," he said, pausing. "I want to be able to keep you."

She said nothing at this, only trying to absorb the weight of his words and understand all their implications. She was gravitating towards him, and no matter how much she tried to dig her heels on to the where she stood, she was unconsciously drawn to him, his love, the way things were _easy_ with him and the way he seemed to take away all the pain.

"I just… have one request from you," he continued, his voice a little stronger than a whisper.

Addison was slightly taken aback, but she raised her brow anyway to urge him to continue. "Oh?"

"I… don't want you to do anything. I mean, nothing about my marriage with Meredith. Don't have your dad do anything, don't have _anyone_ do anything for that matter. I'll divorce her legally. Meredith just doesn't need any more pain. This is all my fault and I just think that if we declare anything void, it would make her feel like all these past years were for nothing. And I don't want that. No matter what my decision is, she would still be that person who helped me pick up the pieces when you were gone, and gave me a reason to get out of bed and face the world. So please, I'm asking you as the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to please just let me handle this myself."

The look on his face was pleading, begging her to understand his predicament. And although her father had spoken to her about being cautious of her actions, she sighed in defeat and nodded. She wouldn't be vindictive, because that was unbecoming of a Forbes-Montgomery, and certainly more unbecoming of a certain _Addison_ Forbes-Montgomery. It wasn't exactly against her judgement, because she had a heart, regardless of the impression she made on Meredith before. She was still as sentimental and emotional as any woman who went through what she did, she was just better at keeping them all at bay.

"If that's what you want," she conceded, and took comfort in the fact that Derek had chosen her, that the very foundation of their relationship was still standing up in strength. She was an iron lady, but she her heart wasn't made of stone and she could, in a way, empathize with Meredith's situation. Sighing, she unclasped her hand from Derek's and nodded. "This mess is no one's fault," she admitted. "And I suppose I'm overreacting. Meredith doesn't deserve to get hurt any more than she already is."

In response, he nodded and withdrew his hands from the table to fiddle with the hem of shirt, a nervous habit. "Thank you."

"Just promise me something, Derek," she continued, her eyes glimmering with restrained hope. He looked up, waiting for her to continue speaking. "Promise me that this is it. After the divorce, we can put this all behind us and move forward _together_."

She looked almost pained, and he mentally berated himself for putting that in her system. So he nodded emphatically, needing her to_ believe _him, to trust that in spite of the fact that he gave her reason to doubt, there's a gleam of hope, of _faith_ somewhere that she could hold on to.

He offered his hand up for her to take again, and she took it gratefully. He would promise her the world, the moon, the stars, move mountains and cross oceans just for a chance to be with her for eternity, no matter how cliche it all sounded.

"I promise," he whispered, the weight of the world lifting from her shoulders with those two simple words.

-

Breakfast had come and gone, and the heaviness of the conversation seemed to have dissipated as they moved on to talk about lighter news, such as the well being of Derek's nieces and nephews, sisters and mother. And when the time had come for them to go back to the hospital, their fingers remained intertwined until the last possible second.

Addison had gone back to the hotel room, anticipating Mark's arrival, as he would fly to Seattle that day. Derek, on the other hand, went to perform his craniotomy. With his chest eased up after the conversation, he was able to perform it smoothly, and the only thing left to do was talk to Meredith about his impending departure.

He almost dreaded it, but he knew it should've been done soon lest he suffer the wrath of Addison's anger. There was, after all, nothing keeping him from leaving her. Their marriage was technically void, and there were no children to bind him to her. What were left were his innate need to be the good guy, and his sincere love for her regardless of his decision. And to see her face crumple in utter agony would make him question his beliefs if he didn't do it now.

So he purposely went off to look for her, needing to hold on to the determination he had summed up all through the day so that, in essence, they could move forward starting tonight. He spotted her filling up some charts at the nurses' station, and he took a deep, calming breath before walking over to her. This was it, the moment of truth, and to say that he felt like he was walking to the guillotine was an understatement.

"Hey."

She looked up from her writing and smiled, recognizing his voice. "Hey. I was looking all over for you today. You didn't come home last night." Her tone wasn't accusing, because she had no right to accuse after all. It was just a statement, something void of any emotion but worry and curiosity.

"Yeah," he answered sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck, his arm outstretched. "I spent the night at the on-call room, and I had a craniotomy all morning."

Meredith seemed to accept the explanation and nodded. "How's Addison?"

Derek had to raise a brow incredulously. He couldn't fathom that she was asking about Addison considering her opinion of the redhead. But she had asked, politely at that, with no trace of bitterness or sarcasm or accusation, and it was but right to answer in the same manner. "She's fine. At her hotel room, I'm guessing. Mark's on his way up there."

She nodded again and closed the chart to face him completely. She was through beating around the bush. She wanted to be direct because the agony was prolonged as they made small talk which, admittedly, was just for show. "We have to talk," she started, her voice slow and calculating. "Figure out how to fix this mess."

He looked straight into her eyes and led her by the arm to an empty exam room. She understood, and in that moment, there was common ground between them. Once in, he locked the door and found her seating herself on the exam table, and he stood a good meter from her, his arms crossed over his chest. She was fiddling with her fingers, not knowing how to begin.

"How about I start?" he offered, sensing her discomfort. He could read her well, something that was rather surprising because he wasn't always in tune with her, because he was always distracted and didn't exactly care enough to notice any mannerisms she had. But he had noticed now, and he was going to use it to his advantage.

Meredith looked up and nodded gratefully at him. She was bracing herself for what he had to say, but more importantly, she was bracing herself for what she was about to divulge. There was no reason but that of absolute desperation.

"Thank you," she whispered. Even with the way he was trying to conceal his emotions, she knew what he was about to say. She knew he was leaving her, she knew he was trying to make it seem trivial, like she didn't deserve someone like him because she deserved someone better. He was going to try to cushion the fall, to make things easier on her part because it would be easier to have someone to blame. He was going to try and uplift her, maybe not with words, but with the mere appearance of his eyes.

The look in her eyes was nothing he'd ever seen before, and the guilt was slowly ebbing at him. He couldn't do it, he couldn't break her heart. But he reminded himself that after this, the worst would be over and it could be smooth sailing from here on.

So he summed up the courage once again, praying that it would solidify, and faced the music.

"I've made a decision Meredith."

She nodded because all she could hear was the pounding of her heart against her chest. Her ears burned as she waiting for him to drop the bomb on their marriage. The next few seconds were the longest in her life, and she waited with baited breath as the final judgment was made.

He couldn't say it directly, and he had to intake a sharp breath to break it to her. There were things, he realized, that didn't require a straightforward path, rather the mere four-words that could make or break a heart with its implications. There was no way that he would find it in himself to be frank with her, because that would betray who he was as a person, as a doctor, as Derek Shepherd. So he settled on what he knew how to do best, and frowned.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith."

It was all he could say, because he couldn't break her heart and watch her face fall with apparent disappointment. He couldn't say it frankly because he didn't have it in himself, and he had to turn his gaze away to spare himself of a glimpse of Meredith's devastation. She was still his wife, and just as he told Addison, Meredith was once the only reason to get of bed in the mornings. So he looked away and waited as the silence enclosed the both of them, and he could hear his own heart beating rapidly against his chest. He was pained, and he didn't realize that he would feel this much pain. He knew he was going to be difficult, but he didn't expect the moments after to be more heartwrenching than he could imagine.

They stayed unmoving for a good few minutes before he found the courage to look at her fallen features, matching it with a pained one of his own. "Please say something," he whispered pleadingly, needing to draw consolation from her, because at a time like this, not even Addison could make him feel better, could justify his actions-- hurting a woman he loved regardless of the circumstances.

She looked up, her tears too proud to let loose, but her eyes betraying every emotion swarming in her body at the moment. Meredith opened her mouth to say something and stared at his blue eyes, honest and pleading. What would come out of her mouth next would change the course of their lives, especially the one Derek had mapped out not a few hours ago, with Addison. There would be no regret, not yet anyway, because she was a woman fighting for her husband, whether it be maturely or honestly.

"I'm pregnant," she declared, and with those two words, nothing in his life would go as planned yet again.

* * *

AN. Okay. I'm not sure if you expected that, but it'll add a twist to the plot. Thank you so much for reading and please tell me what you think. I'm seriously sorry for not being able to update sooner, but I hope this is enough to make you hate me less. Haha. =)

-marchingon


	8. Chapter 7

AN: Yes, I'm very well aware that it took me half a year to update this story. I'll admit that I found myself in a rut and being carried way by the hopelessness of this story. I think that this has gathered dust and has now been forgotten by most of you. In any case, I'm posting this for anyone who'd care to read it. I'm really sorry.

Things have been so busy in school, and my Addek muse has evaded me up until last week. I can't promise I'll update by a definite date, but I'll try my best to get this story moving again. Oh guys. Please help me fall in love with Addison and Derek again. :(

* * *

Meredith never really considered herself desperate until a few moments after she had blurted out those two words, and she had to avert her gaze from Derek's disbelieving one as she shifted awkwardly in place. She had never really meant for things to get that far, and it was never her intention to hurt the people around her, but that was just it—desperation. She was desperate to keep Derek because she wanted him.

"Please say something," she murmured, the uncomfortable silence filling her entire body as Derek had yet to make a sound. Unconsciously, she wrapped her arms around herself in an effort to subtly comfort herself, to assure her that she was doing the right thing. She couldn't very well just give her husband up and hand her over to Addison Shepherd. No. She had every right to him as Addison did, and she was going to fight like hell to have him. It didn't matter much to her that Addison had gone through a seriously life-changing ordeal. She felt very little pity for the woman who had been the sole reason behind Derek's behavior for the past seven years. She didn't care to know that Addison had dropped her defenses and let Derek to do all the decision-making, that she had given him complete freedom over her life. No, Meredith didn't know that, and even if she did, she wouldn't really have cared much.

She did, however, feel a subtle sense of guilt wash over her, along with something she could only call hurt as Derek's face fell. If things were really true, she probably would have cursed at him by now, but since she was trying to play the role of the understanding wife, she had to keep her façade as strong as possible.

"I know it's a surprise," she started again, her voice only quivering slightly, "and it's come highly unexpected. But this is a baby, Derek- _our_ baby. Things have been tough, yes, but we owe it to our child to work things out."

She had said it so matter-of-factly, knowing that if she didn't put her point across, drive it until he understood the gravity of the situation, she would never get what she wanted, what she _needed_.

Another long pause had come and gone before Derek let out a sigh.

"A baby," he whispered, his voice emotionless. "You're pregnant." His eyes were blank, his face stoic, as if he couldn't quite grasp the idea of being a father _now_, at a time when things are at the peak of all the confusion.

Meredith nodded in affirmation as she tried to gage Derek's reaction. He wasn't really showing much happiness from the news, and she prayed silently that he wouldn't close himself up.

"How far along?" he asked, meeting her gaze. He trusted her blindly, and he didn't even know.

She shrugged. "Six weeks. I found out this morning."

He heaved another sigh. Having a baby was supposed to be a happy occasion, and yet he couldn't bring himself to fake even a smile. He was being an asshole, he knew that, and he knew that it wasn't the baby's fault that he wasn't getting what he wanted. If the circumstances were different, the news would probably have him over the roof by now. But things were not how he had hoped, and now there's not much to do but accept it.

"I'm sorry, Mer," he whispered. "I honestly don't know what to say. I mean, okay, there's a part of me that's glad. But… things are just so… confusing that I can't react properly, you know? A baby is supposed to be wonderful, and maybe I'll grow into that thought soon enough. But right now… right now I'm not thinking straight."

Their gazes met, and she nodded. It was a start, after all. She couldn't force him to be happy about it, but she trusted in the good guy in him. He had said, after all, that there was a primal desire in him to be the good guy, to be the better man, and she hoped in that.

"It's okay, I understand. But think about it okay?" she said, resting her hand on his arm. "We can be happy, Derek. Under different circumstances, we would've been elated by the news as soon as it came. But I know you'll come around. I know you will."

She gave him one last glance and a small smile before she turned around and walked away, hoping against hope that he would see just how much she wanted him, how much she loved him enough to sacrifice everything for him. The desperation had grown into a monster, and it was slowly eating her from the inside. She wasn't Meredith Grey anymore; she was just another woman clinging to her man blindly. And the realization that she was slowly turning into her mother almost made her sick to the stomach.

Derek, on the other hand, had his feet firmly rooted on the spot he was standing on, still trying to wake himself up from whatever joke life was playing on him. Meredith was pregnant, and it changed the rules all together. The life he had wanted with Addison got more complicated, if it was even possible, and he was once again thrown into that dark ball of confusion he had been trying desperately to move away from.

Had he known that these were the consequences awaiting him, or had he calculated his decisions more, maybe he would've been able to hurt less people and drag less people into his own mess. He was in that rut again, and now, all of his decisions had to revolve around that baby, that new life he as responsible for.

He was an asshole, but he knew where to draw the line between that and responsibility. He couldn't very well leave Meredith to care for a baby by herself. His conscience, and his upbringing, would not allow him to do that. For even if every fiber in his being wanted to be with Addison, there were things far bigger and far more magnanimous than him now, something larger than life, forcing him to set aside his own wants.

Mark sat directly across Addison, his eyes unable to tear away from the woman who had turned his and Derek's lives upside down. Somehow, he couldn't quite believe that he would live to see the day that Addison Shepherd would come back, would make a reappearance in their lives. Like so many others, he had grown to accept over the years that there was a slim chance that she would ever return. And now that she had, physically unscathed, he stood in awe, marveling at what was nothing short of a miracle.

Addison raised her brow at him. "Quit staring, el Marko. It's creeping me out."

Grinning sheepishly, he tore his gaze away to take a sip of his wine. "Sorry, I can't help it. I'm kind of entitled to considering how you've eluded us for seven years."

"It's not like I wanted to," she argued good-naturedly. She had missed their playful banters just as much as he did, and she was glad for the company tonight.

"I know. I look at you now and I can't help but feel like you've changed so much."

She shrugged, bringing the glass of wine to her lips as she curled her legs for warmth. "We all change, Mark. I mean, I'm not going to go right out and tell you what happened to me. God knows I haven't even processed everything yet. But seven years is enough to make people change considerably."

He raised a brow. "Oh?"

"For instance, you don't seem like a manwhore anymore. In actuality, I feel like you've matured so much since we last saw each other, and that's to say a lot considering all I've been doing is staring at you now. We've hardly caught up with each other's lives just yet, but everything about you radiates something different, something I don't entirely recognize. Which isn't in itself a bad thing, but I'm gonna have to get to know you all over again."

"And I see you're still full of wisdom," he managed, grinning widely. Addison was still Addison, or at least some parts of her were. And for that, he was grateful.

The cheeky smile on her face was enough to set the two of them comfortably with each other, like the time that had passed didn't matter because they were essentially still Addison and Mark.

"Unfortunately for you, that's something that's never gonna change. I'm always going to be smarter than you."

Mark's hearty laugh filled the quiet hotel room, and Addison had to smile at how much she missed her friend. She would never admit it, but one of the things that made her fight like hell was the idea of seeing Mark man up, grow up, and commit to a single relationship. He was like her's and Derek's adopted son because he was always tagging along with them, telling of his exploits to anyone who would care to listen, and it would be a tender moment to see him actually _love_ someone. There were things Mark didn't care to sacrifice for anyone, and for him to be in a relationship she and Derek used to have would be nothing short of wonderful.

"What time does Derek get here?" Mark asked, gesturing to the food that was sitting between them, slowly getting cold as they awaited Derek's arrival. He was changing the topic; he was never one for much serious conversation anyway.

Addison shrugged. "Anytime now, I suppose. He knows you're coming."

He nodded. "I called him today. He sounded tired."

She sighed. "I think that's my fault. I've been far too demanding these past days. I haven't paused to think of about what _he_'s feeling, what with Meredith and all."

Meredith's name rolled off her tongue forcefully, as if she wanted to avoid the very mention of the woman if she could. It's not that she disliked the girl. If any, Meredith was the reason Derek hadn't killed himself yet. But something about her reminded Addison that there's the slightest chance her life would never go back to normal.

The look of sympathy on Mark's face was easily readable, but there was not much he could to ease the burden from Addison's heart. She and Derek had to work things out themselves, and with Meredith involved, it would not be an easy feat. The seriousness in her tone made him feel like it was his job to defend both their graces, because they were his best friends after all, his family even.

"It's hard for him too."

"I don't doubt that," she said matter-of-factly. "It's just that sometimes I wish Meredith never happened, you know? I mean, don't get me wrong. Meredith is a nice girl. But this is my husband we're talking about. I never thought I'd have to compete for him, especially not at this age."

"I wonder what your opinion is of Meredith Grey," he said amusedly, a small smirk forming on his lips. He knew Addison. He would want to kill the girl three times over, but she was an excellent judge of character and she wasn't at all petty. Well, at least the old Addison wasn't petty. He'd have to figure out if it still held true.

Addison scowled, but thought of it. "I refuse to have an opinion of her, honestly." She didn't want to regard the girl too much because her biases were strong. And with strong biases, coupled with strong connections, she could have a field day when it comes to making the girl disappear. But she had to remind herself that she was not, in the slightest, vindictive, and that she was raised to be a proper lady regardless of the circumstances. She knew she would have to emerge with the same amount of dignity she had when she first came.

Mark chuckled lightly. "She's not so bad, Addie. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on your side. But she's a nice girl and she helped Derek through some really tough times. You gotta give her some credit, you know?"

"I know," she said forcefully. "But I can't rest well at night knowing that there's a chance I'm gonna be alone and she's gonna be snuggling up in bed with _my_ husband."

He narrowed his gaze. "Is that what you're afraid of, really?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. All I know is I want every sense of normalcy back. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm in a city that never stops raining and that my husband is currently married to Ellis Grey's daughter. But now my husband has to choose and the very thought of him not choosing me hurts like you can never know. I love Derek, Mark. I love him so much that if he chooses to be with Meredith and not with me, I'll accept it and move on. But I'm still holding out hope that he loves me just as much, and that I'm still the love of his life."

Sighing in frustration, she swirled the wine in her glass and stared unceremoniously at the dark liquid. She wanted him desperately to choose her, but right now, it would be in her best interest to let Derek think for himself. She wasn't going to force herself on someone who didn't want her, but she could still hope that seven years had not killed the burning flame of their love.

"I just want to wake up in my bed in New York and realize that it's just been a horrible nightmare," she continued, her voice nothing more than a soft whisper. "That's all I want."

Standing up, he walked over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder. He knew Addison wasn't a very sentimental person, but that she needed to draw her strength from somewhere. And if he could be that pillar of strength while her husband tried to make a decision, then so be it. He was more than willing to be there for her anyway. What she wanted was impossible because as much as he wanted to change things, the past seven years really did happen and she wouldn't just wake up in their New York brownstone like nothing ever did. But if he could provide her with a reason not to give up hope, he would. He owed it to himself, to Addison, and to Derek, to make things as painless as possible.

Grateful for the warm embrace, she allowed herself to melt into his form and just savor the friendly feeling of home. Mark was a huge part of that home, and it was a welcome sensation to be transported, albeit for just a moment, to a time and place of simplicity.

The soft moment was interrupted by the knock on the door, causing them to pull apart. Mark smiled at her warmly, reassuringly, and she returned the gesture with one of her own. And then standing up, she straightened her dress and put the glass of wine down before opening the door.

On the other side was Derek, offering an apologetic smile to Addison.

"Hey," he started. "I'm sorry, I got held up," he explained, pressing a kiss on her forehead.

She opened the door wider for him, smiling softly. "It's okay."

Derek stepped in and immediately saw Mark, walking over to give him a manly hug. He hadn't seen his best friend in a good while, and it felt surreal to have the three of them together in the same room again.

"How've you been?" Mark asked, eyeing the bags growing under Derek's eyes. He scrutinized every part of Derek, from his dirty shoes to his un-ironed shirt, and he knew just how much his best friend needed a break.

Derek laughed a bit. "I've been better," he answered, before walking back to Addison and allowing his hand to rest on hip as she bent over the table.

"Lots of patients today?" she asked, starting to get the food ready, her stomach rumbling, reminding her of the time.

He nodded. "Same old, same old. But work is good."

Mark laughed. "Only you would throw yourself into work like that," he stated, taking a seat in front of the table in preparation for dinner.

"Okay, guys, you know what," Addison said, looking at the two men directly. She would have to set some ground rules, mostly for her own sanity. "Tonight is just for light talking and fun. No problems being thrown into the conversation, no topics that would otherwise make me want to throw my food up. Just," she paused, taking in a deep breath. "Like we used to," she said, her voice almost pleading. She needed a night where her problems didn't want to eat her alive or tear her into pieces little by little.

Both men nodded, themselves pleased. They all came to an agreement- nothing heavy, nothing depressing, simply good, old fun. Tonight was for extreme denial, calm before they faced the heavy storm that awaited them the next day.

"Good," she smiled, and settled herself beside Derek, who had immediately taken her hand in his. "Thank you."

They started eating, and things went as smoothly as they all wanted it to. No one mentioned anything about what was currently a reality they were avoiding, and Derek almost forgot about his earlier conversation with Meredith. _Almost_.

Something at the back of his head told him he had to tell Addison as soon as possible. But her specific request made him think otherwise. But then again, he couldn't just pretend that things were okay when really, they had just spiraled out of control yet again.

He looked over to Addison and saw her laughing at something Mark had just said, and he felt like he couldn't ruin that for her. He couldn't ruin it tonight. That, and deep down, he didn't have to strength to break her heart all over again. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't, at all. The most nonsensical part of himself told him he could support Meredith and the baby while still being with Addison. And for now, he would stick to that.

Because he couldn't burst that bubble they built around themselves.

Because he didn't have to strength to break her heart and be the man she actually deserves.

Because he was a selfish coward who wanted both of them without making any sacrifices.

What kind of man did that make him, really? There were no words to describe him now. He had driven himself to be someone he honestly, quintessentially wasn't, and he would have to live with it. He wouldn't tell Addison, not tonight, anyway. Not yet. Tonight, he would let them all have some peace.

* * *

I know, it's nothing too long or too nice. This is me forcing the muse to come back. Let me know what you think though.


	9. Chapter 8

AN: I guess it's always gonna take a while for to update. I'm sorry! But thank you very much for still reading this fic. I mean, I doubt anyone remembers this thing anymore, but thank you! LOL. =) This chapter is more about an inner look at Addison's feelings, and a way to put her back into the hospital scene. I just thought it would be fun to have her at Seattle Grace in the future chapters. Also, Derek isn't in this, but he's mentioned quite a lot of times- and the past chapters have been all about his emotions anyway so I thought it was time for Addison to get the limelight.

At any rate, please read and review and let me know what you think. Thank you in advance and I hope you like it!

-I own nothing.

* * *

She wasn't very keen on telling anyone what had transpired in the course of seven years. Firstly because there wasn't much she remembered about it. Secondly because all of the things she did remember were too gruesome to even think about. Never in her entire life did she imagine having to witness things she thought only happened in horror movies, and nothing in her upbringing could have prepared her to deal with such inhuman actions whilst keeping her sane.

It was for these reasons that she decided not to utter a word about it. If any, she herself wasn't done processing all that had happened, and she had yet to grasp and fully understand the gravity of it all. But for reasons unknown even to her, she could not even fathom the idea of being okay, of being ready to pretend to be just fine, of living with a keen sense of denial until she could put her life back together. But that was what she was doing exactly. Honestly, it could have been a form of avoidance, the less complicated cousin of denial. And yet, if she thought about it well, she knew she couldn't avoid it forever.

Because truth be told, the memories plagued her whenever she was alone. At night, when she was ready to fall asleep, she would hear noises and see things her mind made up, and yet, not so. They were all projections of all that she had experienced, and she often found herself curled up in a ball, talking insanely to herself until the exhaustion wore her out and made her fall asleep. She was afraid, but she had her pride to save so she couldn't tell anybody about it. And considering the whole issue about Derek's marriage to Meredith, she wasn't sure she could sacrifice any more of her dignity.

So she often found herself staring listlessly into space, allowing her mind to make sense of the images that flashed before her eyes when she was at her most vulnerable. Shivers and silent murmurs and a drop or two of salty tears would make its way out, but that would be the extent of it. For if anything, Addison Shepherd needed to force herself to get better, to be strong, because she was anything but weak.

That was how she found herself the following day; her right leg tucked behind her left one as she sat on one of the lofty chairs of her hotel room. She had not slept too well the night before, and small bags were starting to appear beneath her eyes, making her look older than she really was. And yet, she was still, as always, impeccably presented, with only the subtle hints of disarray here and there.

Dinner with Derek and Mark was a welcome distraction from all the wrongs in her life. But even if she laughed genuinely for the first time in a while, the nagging voice at the back of her head told her it wasn't helping- that pretending to be okay will only make her worse eventually.

Sighing, she shook her head and stood up from where she was sitting, needing to find another distraction to keep her from thinking about it. Everyday had become that—a quest for distraction. Running a hand through her hair, she looked around the room, spotted her mobile phone and walked over to pick it up. Dialing, she moved to stand by the big window, overlooking downtown Seattle.

"Hello," the voice on the other end answered, and she immediately softened at the sound she knew too well.

Smiling, "Hi, Dad," she greeted, feeling a subtle prick behind her eyes as she struggled to keep her composure. It was amazing how a simple word from the man who would always have her heart—her father, could transport her to _home_.

She obviously missed her parents. Not seeing them for a good, long while wasn't something she was very happy about. She wasn't happy that they hadn't flown out to Seattle to see her, and that she herself was tied to Seattle, unable to fly to Hartford to see them.

Anthony Montgomery laughed heartily, happy to hear his daughter's voice. More than anything, he knew that Addison wasn't one who dealt well with her emotions, and that she needed to deal with things in her own time, in her own way. So he kept a considerable distance and gave her space, not pushing himself to her after she had gone back. As a father, he was naturally worried, but Addison would not accept help unless she asked for it. What made him sleep well at night now was the thought that she was okay, sleeping on a comfortable bed and eating three hot meals a day.

"Addie-bee," he greeted. "Honey, how have you been?"

"Good, very good. I mean, considering..."

He nodded understandingly, noting how she had drifted off, most probably trying to contain herself. "I know."

Addison sighed, closing her eyes to keep the frustration from bursting. "He told me he was going to leave her."

"Oh?"

"And that he would divorce her so we could be together. But I'm not sure he's too keen on doing that. I could sense it, Dad. He's partially unconvinced, and I don't want him to do something he's not 100% sure of."

"He wouldn't tell you he'd leave her without keeping his word, Addie. Derek is not the kind of man to just say things and not mean them," he reminded, his heart aching slightly as he wished to make her daughter feel better.

"I know that. He's a good guy, I don't doubt that. But part of me thinks he's doing this out of... I don't know, obligation maybe?"

"I don't think so, Addie. I'm sure he wants to be with you as much you do."

"Yes," she agreed, "but he also wants to be with Meredith, which is really... _Painful_," she said quietly, "but it's not like I can make his decisions for him."

There was silence on the other end as Anthony contemplated Addison's words. Addison was not vindictive, and he was glad she had decided to back down from forcefully separating Meredith and Derek. But a huge part of him ached to ease her burden. And the knowledge that he could do so but would not do so made him feel worse.

"Addie, I'm sure you understand his predicament. He thought he lost you and he found a reason to start getting up in the morning again. It would naturally be hard to choose between his past and his present, knowing full well he has obligations to both."

"I know that. I know a lot of things, and I try to understand most of them. But it's like the more I know... The more I feel like I don't know anything. He told me he was sure he was going to leave her. And last night, at dinner with Mark, he acted like the same old guy. But..."

"Trust issues?" he asserted, raising a brow as he pressed the mobile closer to his ear.

She pressed her eyes closed and sighed. "I never really had trust issues before, Dad."

"I wouldn't really be surprised if you do now, honey. Why don't you go see a therapist?" he suggested. "I know you're trying to deal with everything your own way. But I'm afraid that if you focus on the issue about Derek, you're avoiding the real, more immediate issue. You haven't told us anything. Not me, not your mother, and I doubt you've told Derek whatever it is you went through. And honey, I'm trying to respect your space but I'm worried about you. You have to start dealing with this-"

"I am dealing with this dad," she sighed. "Maybe it's not the most conventional way but-"

"Bottling it all up won't do you any good. Now, you're an adult and I know you can make decisions for yourself. But please, talk to someone. Talk to Savvy, talk to Naomi, talk to anyone. It should make you feel better."

One would wonder about the curious way Anthony Montgomery was dealing with the events of the past few days. But that was how it happened—they didn't dwell too much on the happiness of Addison's arrival because it was dampened by the issue with Derek and the question of what happened to her. Of course they were happy, and nothing in the world meant more to anyone whose life Addison had touched than to have her back.

Addison sighed heavily, but nodded. "I will." One of the only reasons she was acquiescing was because she was afraid she'd burst sooner or later.

"Thank you, Honey." He knew Adduson would do it for him and not for herself. And even though that wasn't the most ideal case, at least she'd be able to help herself either way.

She sighed again, pinching the bridge of her nose and she stared out the window. "I miss you, Dad."

"I miss you too, darling. But I promise you it will all fall into place soon. I promise." He said it with much conviction that it was hard not to believe him.

And with a silent, muttered thanks, and whispered promises to be okay, she put the phone down and pushed the thoughts to the back of her head.

She surveyed the room, spotting her bag and dropping her mobile phone into it, she wondered what she would do next. She was in a rut. In essence, she was just waiting for Derek to say the word and give her the go signal. And until he made concrete actions to establish what he had said to her the other day, she was left to wait.

Out of all the things she had experienced in her life, the hardest part was always waiting. Now, waiting for Derek. In the past seven years, waiting for a miracle. Before that, waiting for the right time to have a baby. And even before that, waiting for a career gone full speed ahead. Waiting was always difficult, especially for someone as impatient as Addison. Waiting made her feel unproductive, useless, and she needed to see progress or else she might go insane.

And then as if on cue, the doorbell to her hotel room rang, and she was jolted out of her thoughts. Approaching the door, she knew it would be Mark. He had said the night before that he would be dropping by in the morning. She was grateful for that.

Opening it, a grin spread on her face as Mark greeted her with a bear hug.

"Hey Mark."

He squeezed her tighter, lifting her up from the ground slightly before letting her go. "Hey yourself. Did you sleep well?"

Addison laughed, but nodded convincingly. "You? No jetlag plaguing you?"

Mark shrugged, watching Addison bolt the door securely. "No jetlag. I'm fine. Slept sounder last night than in the past seven years," he said honestly, baring his emotions to his best friend. No one knew the extent to which he was hurting when Addison went missing. He couldn't show it—especially not to Derek. He knew full well that Derek was hurting far more than he was, and it was his duty to help him pick up the pieces and be stong.

She smiled, touched by the subtle sentiment. "Glad to hear it."

They smiled at each other, and a comfortable lapse fell between them as they walked over to the couch.

"Is Derek working?"

Addison nodded. "He has an important surgery. And he has to talk to Meredith." At the back of her head, she'd have wanted to spend more time with Derek. But work was work, and Derek was Derek; that much didn't change in the past seven years.

Mark looked at her sympathetically. "I'm sure he'd want to spend more time with you, Adds."

"I know. Maybe to a degree I'm pushing him away intentionally, even if I desperately want to be with him."

He raised a brow at her, prompting her to explain. There was a curious glint in his eyes as he wondered why Addison would do such a thing. He was no expert, but he knew Addison needed someone to lean on.

She sighed. "I'm sure you can't expect me to be okay with Meredith."

"True, but I also don't expect you to pull away from Derek considering how long you've been apart." He didn't understand.

He studied her closely, looking into her eyes trying to understand this new, changed Addison. She was different, in more ways than one. And he was trying his best to put her in a comprehensible light. She was almost unrecognizable. Her reactions to the different events that unfolded before them were so complex, so different, so against human nature that he needed to take a moment to absorb all of it. The realization of Addison being different from her old self almost broke his heart. Here she was, the same Addison physically, but the past seven years had meddled with her head so much so as to change almost the very essence of her persona. She was so different, her reactions being s left field that he had to raise his brow.

Shrugging, she avoided Mark's gaze and replied. "I don't know. I guess I don't want to be more confused."

She was shutting herself out from the world. Mark knew that, and he was sure Derek noticed that too. But between him and Derek, Mark wouldn't respect her decision to keep to herself if he could help it. The numbness in Addison's demeanor was apparent, and he saw that she was forcibly creating an image of strength because she was crumbling inside. It was a defense mechanism, one he knew too well as it was also the same mechanism Derek had used before.

Derek needed to get his act together, because the situation was eating Addison up from the inside. Although he honestly couldn't blame the man for being caught up in the mess, he was essentially dragging two people along with him, trailing them behind until he could make a decision.

Mark nodded. "Talk to me," he said. "Tell me everything, tell me anything. Just.. Don't keep it to yourself."

To his surprise, Addison chuckled. "You sound awfully like my dad. What is it with people trying to convince me to talk?"

"People just care about you," he stated earnestly.

"Then why isn't Derek probing the situation more? You all want me to talk, but Derek hasn't really asked me much since. Does that mean he doesn't care?"

"No. I think it means he's giving you time and space to deal with it on your own. But I'm sure he doesn't think it's okay for you to-"

"Keep to myself. Right," she said, cutting him off. She's heard that line far too many times that morning. But regardless of how constant they told her that, she couldn't find it in herself to speak up about it and admit that in the course of the past year, she had been subject to witness such inhuman behavior.

"Right."

"I don't know, Mark. I don't even know what to make of it all. It's like my head doesn't have a single opinion about it. It's all mixed up and I need... I don't know what I need... To make sense of everything."

Raising her head, she met Mark's gaze and frowned.

"Only you are gonna be able to say what you really need, Adds. No one can dictate that for you. I mean, I shouldn't be saying this if I wanted to convince you to start speaking up. But you have to know that only you can know what you need to be better. We're just here to support you."

"You have my back?" She asked curiously, a small smile on her lips.

"Sure do," he said reassuringly. "Always."

She smiled again, Mark's reassurance making her feel better. It felt wonderful to have someone to talk to, maybe not about what happened, but at least some sort of neutral conversation.

"I need... Some sort of distraction," she admitted carefully.

He rolled his eyes. "Distraction won't really help you make sense of everything. You're just avoiding it."

"I'll deal with it when I'm ready to deal with it," she said stubbornly. "But right now, no dealing with it until that thing with Meredith is settled. And since I'm really just waiting for Derek to start acting on his words, I'm left to do nothing. So. I need a distraction."

"What kind of distraction, Addison?"

Her brows met and her forehead creased in thought as she pondered Mark's question. She didn't know. She didn't know what kind of distraction she needed. All she knew was she needed something to get her mind off of things, and make her feel comfortable at the same time. There were every little activities that would do just that. Addison was very complex, and an activity with emotional shut down was almost impossible.

And then it hit her. Her life in New York, the things she considered most fulfilling, the thing that made her feel alive and at home was being herself- being _Doctor_ Addison Shepherd. She was a doctor, she was a _surgeon_. She was programmed to be this way for so long, and she was meant to be so for the rest of her life.

Addison Shepherd was a surgeon. And to Addison, that seemed like the most cathartic experience as of yet.

"What?" Mark questioned, noting how Addison's face lit up at her thoughts. "What are you thinking."

She looked at him straight in the eye, smiling as she did so.

"I'm a surgeon, Mark. The best in my field. Nothing in the last seven years changed that. I am still an excellent doctor."

It took a while for Addison's trail of thought to register completely in Mark's brain. He wrinkled his brow on confusion. "Are you saying that to forget your problems, you're going to push yourself into work? To operate on somebody and cut and suture and stand three long hours in a gruesome surgery?"

"When you say it like that, you're making it sound completely wrong. But it's not. It's... The only thing that's making sense right now, Mark. The OR is my comfort zone- it's my sanctuary," she said, willing him to understand, to see her point, to believe that it would be the best thing for her at the moment.

"What happens if you get too lost in that distraction, Addison? What then?" he couldn't help the tone of disapproval seeping in his voice. Addison's thoughts were dangerous, especially now that she was very unstable. And the very idea of Addison operating was chilling in itself—what happens if she has a breakdown in the middle of surgery? That was something nobody should be willing to risk.

"I wouldn't, Mark. Don't you see? It's all just a way to keep me entertained while Derek goes off, trying to decide-"

"So you really think it'll take that long for Derek to make a decision? Didn't he already tell you he's leaving Meredith? What else are you waiting for then?" He was trying to knock some sense into her. Had she gone mad? Was she not thinking straight? Maybe she really wasn't as okay as she tried to make herself out to be.

"He hasn't made up his mind completely, Mark. I can sense it. And I don't wanna be someone's second choice." There was a slight sense of forlornness in her voice, but it was together with such determination and strength.

"You're Addison Montgomery," he said incredulously. "You don't wait for someone to choose you. To hell with that. Why don't you start picking up the pieces now? You were never one to wait, anyway—not for a man especially. You shouldn't wait for Derek."

It was dawning on him just how much Addison had really changed. She would never have settled for this seven years ago.

"Because I love my husband, Mark," she answered emphatically, almost frustratedly. "And I'll take him if I can. But I don't want to force him nor do I want to think about the possibility that he'd leave me. I'm waiting for him. Don't you understand? Because I need him and I'm holding out hope that he needs me too. So I can't pick up the pieces yet. I'm _waiting_ for him," she said emphatically.

"No chief in his right mind would hire you, Addison. You're emotionally unstable." It was the plain, honest truth, and Addison had to hear it, at least from someone who cared.

"You say it like I've gone mental," came her reply, her tone changing, faltering every so slightly.

He sighed. "Maybe to some extent, you have Addison. Maybe not in the most conventional way, but you've changed. You're not thinking straight and you're rushing into all these decisions and making up reasons to be the way you are. I don't know you anymore. But I want to help you. Because no matter what you say or what you do, I'm still your best friend. And regardless of what happened in the past seven years, you can still be the old Addison, and Derek will always love you, and everything will fall into place."

* * *

AN I particularly love Mark in this chapter. He's awesome. =) THANKS FOR READING. 3


	10. Chapter 9

AN: I KNOW. ONE WHOLE YEAR. I'M SORRY. My muse left me and I got busy with school, and honestly, I didn't know where I was going with this story. I doubt anyone else is reading this, or is interested in an update, but I'm updating anyway because I'd like to finish what I started. I'm really sorry, guys. But thanks for still reading this. As a peace offering, this is a pretty long chapter to make up for the full year that I was gone.

-I own nothing, still.

* * *

"Derek?"

He looked up at the sound of her voice. They were in his office at the hospital. Addison was reading a magazine whilst waiting for Derek to finish up some paperwork.

"Yeah?"

Her eyes met his curious ones and she shrugged. "Whatever happened to the browstone?"

"It's still there," came the reply, smiling to himself at Addison's childlike curiosity.

She raised her brow. "Still ours?"

Derek chuckled, and then nodded. "Still ours, honey."

Addison sighed, putting the magazine aside and standing up. She walked over to Derek's table, keeping eye contact with him as his brows furrowed in confusion.

"What about everything else? My things, photo albums... I don't know, Mark's bike?"

"They're all in the browstone, Addie. When I moved here, I left everything there as they were."

"Hmm." She nodded, thinking about how tempting it was to take a flight back to New York and pretend nothing happened. It was a very tantalizing thought. Upon realizing that their browstone was just as it was, something in her head told her she can move back and pick up where they left off. But she shook her head, reminding herself to stay grounded and be realistic.

"So when you moved here..."

He smiled. "When I moved here, I lived in a trailer."

"A what?" It was difficult to hide the shock in her voice. She was incredulous. Derek had always been a typical New York elite, except for some traces of a woodsman here and there. "You actually lived in a..." she couldn't bring herself to say it.

His smile grew wider at seeing Addison's reaction. She was endearing that way. "In a trailer? Yes. In fact, I still have it. It's parked in the land we bought out here."

"Oh my god."

"Glad to see you haven't changed too much," Derek joked, noting how Addison seemed speechless. The old Addison never would have spent a night inside a lunchbox, far from a decent shower and a real closet.

She shrugged. "Well, not really. But may I remind you that I spent seven years in a basement," she said good-naturedly, trying to make a joke out of the situation.

He caught on, but he didn't say anything. Because if he disapproved of the fact that Addison was treating it lightly, he had no power over her as of yet, especially now that he hadn't said a word about Meredith's condition.

Smiling softly, and grabbing a hold of her hand, he replied, "I really wouldn't like to be reminded." The honest pain in his voice was apparent.

The softness in his tone, and the subtle pain she heard made her slightly regret what she said. So she squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, taking a seat on the chair adjacent to his table while still holding his hand.

He appreciated the apology, but he cleared his throat to break the heaviness of the conversation.

"Do you wanna see the trailer?" he offered. "Well, the land at least. I know you really don't wanna see a tin can."

She scrunched up her nose in thought, all the while feeling she needed an avenue to connect with him somehow. It was all proof of the confusion- just hours before, she told Mark that she was pushing Derek away. But now, she wanted nothing more than to be close to him, to be with him. It was almost as if she was turning bipolar.

He raised a brow at her silence. "You hesitant?" he chuckled, observing her.

Sitting upright and shaking her head furiously, she answered. "No. Not hesistant. I'd love to see what's become of that place."

"I'll take you after shift if you want. I know you're not into picnics much, but if I promise it'll be fun, would you say yes?"

He was hopeful, and he was trying, and she saw that. She appreciated the effort. It seemed like they were both trying to appease each other.

"Yeah, okay. That would be great."

He squeezed her hand again, and they smiled at each other. Nothing could have compared to the comfort of that moment.

"You did what?"

Cristina Yang stared at her best friend incredulously, like she was seeing Meredith in a different light.

Meredith shrugged, but she was inwardly panicking. "I told him I was pregnant."

"What in the world possessed you to do that?"

"I don't know, okay? I don't know what came over me- just that I was desperate and I needed-"

Cristina cut her off. "What are you gonna do when he finds out you're not? He's gonna flip, go ballistic, the whole nine yards."

"I know that. But I had no other choice."

"Yes you did. You just chose to be selfish. I mean fine, I'm on your side and all that. But the girl was gone for a while."

Meredith rolled her eyes in an attempt to justify her actions. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"You could've let him choose."

"And let him break my heart?" she asked disbelievingly. "He already chose. He chose her. That's why I said I was expecting."

"Mer.."

"Look. I'm trying to take this a step at a time. I'm not trying to think about what I'm gonna do when he realizes things."

"Meredith, you're making it worse. And quite frankly, he wouldn't really wanna be with you when he finds out."

Meredith watched Cristina take a bite of her sandwhich. She was right, but she had already told him so there was no turning back.

"Why don't you just go admit it now," Cristina continued, swallow the bite she just had. "Come clean about it now and explain why you did it. If Derek is the guy we all think he is, he'd understand."

She shrugged in reply. She needed to get pregnant quick. It was either that, or admit everything to Derek. She wasn't sure which one was more appealing.

At the back of her head, she knew it was wrong. She knew she was being selfish and incredibly immature. She was always reminded about the difference between mature and immature love, and somehow she knew she cared about Derek's happiness immensely, but wouldn't take too kindly if the reason for his happiness wasn't her.

She sighed, running a hand through her messy hair, taking deep and calming breaths in order to assess the situation. Addison was back. Derek wanted to be with her. Meredith was desperate, so she told him she was pregnant. And knowing Derek as the good guy, he would never abandon his own child. Suddenly the thought scared Meredith. Derek would be extremely passionate about this child, and he would most likely raise hell if he found it she was lying.

And with that, Meredith was back to square one, but she refused to be stuck in a rut.

Addison stared listlessly out of the window, her mind muddled and confused. She and Derek were driving to the trailer, and she had mixed emotions about the whole thing.

Firstly, the very fact that Derek lived in a trailer was reason to shudder in itself. But more than that, she could sense that something big was going to happen tonight, something that would dictate their future yet again. Even if she had been away from him for such a long time, her ability to perceive some things didn't go away. But if she was nervous about it, she was doing an excellent job hiding it. She would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Behind the wheel, Derek's eyes glanced at Addison, knowing full well that she was deep in thought. But that was the least of his worries right now. He had no idea how to broach the subject of Meredith to Addison, not after he had promised her he would leave the blonde to be with her. The whole baby thing would certainly complicate their situation, and he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Addison would not appreciate it or take it lightly.

He had thought about what he would do, or how he would say it. The goal was to ensure that they all would hurt as little as possible over the situation. Well, that, and to make sure the baby was going to live in an environment with as little complications as possible. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he wasn't sure he wanted a baby with Meredith. But a child was a child, and it was his, and he could never even fathom abandoning his own flesh and blood. He thought long and hard about how he was going to deal with the situation—and no matter how he sliced it, he would always _always_ want to end up with Addison.

But Derek was a good man, and to a fault, apparently. Because he made vows, and he had duties, and he was willing to put aside his own happiness in order to fulfill his end of the bargain. He just hated the fact that he would have to hurt Addison over it.

Reaching out, he took hold of Addison's hand and squeezed it. She looked up at him, surprised at the sudden contact, but immediately relaxed and squeezed his hand in return.

He flashed her a smile—not his signature McDreamy smile, but that smile he reserved for Addison and _only_ Addison.

"What did you do while I was in surgery?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road but his hand in Addison's.

From the passenger seat, Addison shrugged. "I spoke to Richard."

He raised a brow and nodded, his silence urging her to continue.

When he said nothing, she shifted in her seat and turned to face him. "How do you feel about me going back to work?" she queried, her voice quiet.

Derek definitely wasn't expecting that. He turned to look at her, studying her visage and wondering where on earth that question came from.

"Um.. well," he stammered slightly. "Hypothetically or, you know, something you're seriously considering?"

Addison shrugged again, turning her eyes to the road. "I don't know. I don't know yet. But I… sort of need to keep myself busy."

She wasn't ready to tell him why she was so adamant about rushing back into work, and he thankfully didn't pry, at least not yet. Only Mark was stubbornly disagreeing to her choices, doing all he could to reason with her. But she would have none of right now, seeing that she was craving for normalcy.

Derek nodded, pondering the question in his head. Was Addison ready for this? Was he ready for this? Did that mean Addison would go back to New York, or did it mean she would take a job in Seattle? If Addison worked in Seattle, would she be ready to work with Meredith as well? And if she decided she wanted to go back to New York, would she expect him to uproot his life in Seattle and move back with her? But more than anything, was Addison stable enough, mentally, physically and emotionally, to throw herself back in a profession that demanded so much of her when she had almost nothing to give? He wasn't sure, and if he could help it, he'd make Addison take at least another year off to heal before even considering going back to being a doctor.

He wondered, too, why Addison was in such a rush, but the wondering quickly went away when he realized why. Addison needed something constant, something to make her sense that not everything in her life had changed. And since he was one of the reasons she couldn't even find decent comfort and constancy, he couldn't really blame her.

What he failed to realize, however, was that Addison was going to use the hospital as a distraction. She was going to use it to keep her nightmares at bay and the mess she called her life as distanced from her as humanly possible. Addison wasn't one to avoid, which was why it never crossed his mind that Addison could be in such a keen state of denial.

When he didn't say anything, she continued.

"It's just… I spoke to Richard before, and he's already offered me a position. I told him I'd need to get my act together first, and I'd need to… you know… brush up on all the medical jargon I wish I haven't completely forgotten." Her tone was small, and unsure, but she was sounding the topic off to Derek to see what he thought of it. But a large part of her knew he wouldn't approve.

"Okay?"

"I mean, I don't need to do surgery at once. I don't need to do that yet. Maybe consults or whatever first. I don't know, honestly. I just really need to do something with my time. You're at work everyday, and I wouldn't want you to take time off just for me, you know?"

He squeezed her hand. "I have no qualms over taking some time off for you, Addie. But you already yelled at me the other night for implying I need to look after you."

They both grimaced at the memory of about two nights prior, when Derek was trying to reach out to Addison, and she had yelled at him about not needing a babysitter every single minute. She refused to let Derek take time off, and she swore up and down that if he did, she was going throw a mad fit. She didn't even consider how incredibly normal it would be for Derek to actually want to take the time off and spend it with her, and didn't even consider that maybe Derek _needed_ to be with her, making up for lost time.

"Yeah, well. I really don't need you to look after me every waking moment, you know."

He nodded. "I know. But..." he debated whether or not he should say it, or even bring the topic up. But before he could think about it too much, the words came flying out. "I can't help but think that if I were looking out for you better, before, in New York, you wouldn't have gone missing."

His voice was pained and quiet, and his breath was bated as he waited for Addison to react.

Addison turned to look at him, and a wave of understanding and realization came over her. She understood now, and she tightened her hold on his hand, casting him a sympathetic look.

"It's not your fault, Derek," she said firmly, needing to reassure him that what happened seven years ago was something out of his control.

Derek shook his head. "It _is_ my fault, Addie. I was supposed to take care of you. You're my wife, and I vowed to make sure you're never hurt. But I failed at that—miserably, I should say, and the guilt has been eating me since."

"Derek…"

"No, Adds. Don't try to absolve me of anything. It's my fault you went missing in the first place. It's my fault we weren't able to find you at once. I mean, if we just looked _harder_, who knows, maybe I would've found you the next day, or the next month, not seven years later. But it _did_ take seven years to find you, and _you_ were the one that found me, not the other way around. Do you know what kind of message that sends?"

She shook her head, unable to look at his pained expression.

"It shows how I've given up. And that's saying it in a nice way," he continued, unable to stop the flow of thoughts and words coming out of his mouth. "But I didn't give up, Addie. It never crossed my mind to give up."

"I know that," she whispered. "I know that."

"But you don't get it, Adds," he said, his eyes watering slightly as the frustration started to take a hold of him. "I moved to Seattle, hoping to pull myself together, all the while not realizing that there was no way I could find you if I moved 3000 miles from where I first lost you. And then after getting here, I go around and marry some girl, trying to move on with my life, when deep down, my head and my heart were screaming at me to keep looking for you."

"You were hurting," she stated, shaking her head resolutely. "That's perfectly understandable."

"But it's not. Because if it were perfectly understandable, you wouldn't be sitting here, hurting over the choices I've made."

A heavy silence consumed them both, and Derek continued to maneuver the car to the trailer. The tension was palpable, and both of them realized the implication of Derek's words. Addison obviously didn't approve of Derek's choices, but knew that there was no other way. She couldn't have expected him to keep his life on hold for her.

When they reached the land, Derek drove through the rocky ground and parked the car right in from of the trailer, both of them unmoving. They sat inside the car in silence, lost in thought.

"And you know what else is my fault?" Derek asked, breaking the silence.

A pained expression crossed Addison's features before she shook her head.

"It's my fault you're hurting like this. I should never had the reason to hurt you like this."

With a solemn nod, he opened his car door and exited the vehicle, breathing in deeply. The scent of grass and damp wood assaulted his senses, and he was thankful for the calmness in his surroundings—a sharp contrast to his own inner turmoil.

He ran a hand through his hair, letting his fingers pull slightly on his locks in an attempt to avert the headache he knew was coming. Two seconds later, he heard the car open and saw Addison step out of the vehicle while trying to balance herself on the rocky ground.

Despite himself, he chuckled slightly and moved to help Addison regain her footing.

"Easy there," he said, kissing her temple as he held on to her arm for support.

She smiled up at him appreciatively and muttered her thanks. Closing the car door, she turned to him and sighed heavily.

"It's not your fault I'm hurting," she stated. "I mean, we're hurting each other now, but we can't help it. At least not at the moment. But I'd like to believe it'll get better, and we can sort this whole situation out."

Derek pulled her closer and hugged her, letting his arms wrap warmly around her frame. He breathed in the scent of her hair, and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Addie."

"I love you too, Derek," she whispered, savoring their closeness.

When the moment had passed, he stepped aside, granting Addison a good view of the trailer. It was time to lighten up the mood between them.

"Home sweet home," he said, a hint of pride in his voice.

Addison scrunched her nose up as she inspected the exterior of the trailer skeptically. And then without warning, her lips curled, first into a smile, and then she finally broke out laughing. The whole situation was absurd. Her husband was making more than two million dollars a year, and yet he couldn't even buy himself a decent house to live in. It was insane, and she doubled over again when she caught a glimpse of Derek's confused expression.

"Derek," she gasped, "You, I … this is… this is crazy!"

"Hey! Don't mock the trailer," he answered good-naturedly, chuckling amusedly at Addison's reaction.

"It's just… Derek! What would your mom say?"

He smirked. "She doesn't. All she knows is I've been living with Meredith at her house. She doesn't know I kept the trailer and the land."

Addison chuckled. "This is really crazy."

"Glad you think so."

"I mean… can't you afford a house?"

He shrugged, leading her to the trailer door. "Seattle was never something permanent. I'd always meant to go back," he explained, opening the door for her to reveal to trailer's interior.

Addison nodded before she stepped foot inside, letting her eyes scan the place. She wouldn't admit it, but it wasn't _too_ bad. At least there was a bed, and a bathroom, but she doubted she could manage living in such a small space for a long time. Sure, she could do dark and dusty, considering she survived the last seven years of her life. But cramped and isolated? She wasn't really sure.

She walked further into the trailer, allowing her fingers to graze the walls and makeshift tables, smiling slightly. And as she perused the tin can, Derek's eyes never left her for, his chest painful with the love he was feeling for the woman in front of him.

When she reached she bedroom, she sat on the edge of the bed and grinned at him, allowing her hands to rest on her lap. She crossed her ankles and met his gaze.

"Make yourself comfortable Addie," he said from the doorway, and then proceeded to move to the kitchen to fix them some dinner.

"I already am," she called back, and then let her back drop to bed so that her feet were still firmly planted on the floor.

Derek then busied himself with preparing them a meal. There wasn't much in the trailer. When he started sleeping in it again after Addison came back, he only had a few spare moments to get something substantial stocked into the fridge. There was trout, but he knew Addison wouldn't like that, and there were a couple of chicken breasts in it as well.

He was always more of the cook between the two of them, and he would always grin at the memory of Addison attempting to cook while they were still dating. It was something that endeared her to him, and made his heart ache when he thought about it while she was missing.

He tossed the chicken into some seasoned flour and eggs and then set them on a sheet to bake. While it was baking, he set out to make some mashed potatoes and gravy, unconsciously humming to himself.

From the bedroom, Addison smiled when she recognized the tune. It was their wedding song. And whether or not Derek was doing it on purpose, it tugged at her heart and reminded her of why she was fighting for him in the first place.

When dinner was ready, Derek beckoned her to the small table, and set a glass of wine in front of her. She took a seat gratefully.

"Looks great," she commented, eyeing the mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.

"Tastes better," he teased, taking a seat while forking some of the potatoes into his mouth.

Dinner was a silent occasion, both of them just content eating their food and being in each other's presence. But as soon as dessert rolled in, and about 3 glasses of wine were consumed by each, Derek started fidgeting in his seat, knowing now was as perfect a time as any to tell her about Meredith.

He cleared the table and motioned for her to stand up so they could sit on the deck. She complied, sensing his unease, but thankfully didn't say anything about it.

When they had settled on the deck, Derek wrapped one arm on Addison's waist, pulling her closer from where she sat. He rubbed her side and then pressed a kiss on her head.

"There's something else we have to talk about, Addie," he said quietly, his eyes focused on a rock on the ground.

Addison nodded. "I figured as much."

There was a momentary pause before he continued. "I know I said I was going to leave Meredith to be with you, and there is nothing more I want right now than to _really_ be with you. But there are… some things… that I haven't really considered, and you have to know it."

She started playing with the hem of her shirt, a nervous habit she had acquired when she was young. She could tell from the way Derek broached the subject that she was in for a hefty dose of pain tonight, but for his sake, she was letting him finish. She knew full well now that he was hurting too.

"Okay," she answered, urging him to go on.

"But before that, I want you to know that I love you, and that I really need you to understand," he begged. "I need you to understand me and the predicament I'm in, but I don't want you doubting the way I feel for you."

Addison knew she couldn't promise him that because her emotions were all over the place too, but she said she would try.

Satisfied, Derek took one deep calming breath and then proceeded to tell her. "Meredith is pregnant, Addie," he said in one breath, his breath hitching in anticipation of Addison's reaction.

That was the last thing she needed to hear, honestly, and she could feel her heart beating thunderously. Her ears were burning and her mind was on overdrive. Meredith was pregnant. With Derek's baby. What did that mean? Well, of course it meant Derek was going to stay with her, damn it. She knew that. She knew Derek. She knew he wouldn't just leave Meredith hanging when he had a responsibility to fulfill.

Meredith was pregnant. And once again, the tides were changing and the floorboards were moving, and she had to grope her way out of this mess, in the darkness, yet again. Honestly, she felt like a big baseball bat hit her in the face. She was much too in shock to react, but her mind was processing everything—including the implications on her own life as well.

When Addison didn't say anything, Derek started to panic. "Addie, now is a good time to say something," he whispered, hating himself for hurting her.

Addison struggled to regain her presence of mind, reminding herself that she had promised to _try_. She turned to look at him, her eyes weary.

"She's pregnant," she said, emphasizing the two words as if to make herself comprehend.

Derek closed his eyes and nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she whispered slowly. "It's not as if you got her pregnant on purpose, to hurt me," reason taking the front seat, and emotion, the back.

"I would never do that."

"I know," she answered. "But what I would like to know is… what does this mean, exactly? For us?"

Derek sighed. "I don't want to leave you."

"Well you can't leave her," she said, trying her hardest not to snap. "You are responsible for a baby now, for a child. You can't go riding off into the sunset with me!"

"I know that! I know that perfectly well, Addison. But goddamnit, I don't know what to do. You… this… being with you… this is everything I've always wanted. But I can't very well leave Meredith with a baby."

"You don't have to. I won't let you."

She stared at him, her expression hard. She was not going to give her husband up, but she was not going to let him be a coward. At least in that respect, they were on the same page.

"Addie," he started, his voice desperate. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, please. Because I don't have the strength to leave you and walk away from our marriage, and I don't have it in me to leave her too."

Addison looked at him curiously, studying the lines on his face. "Do you want this baby?" she asked, her voice low and quiet.

Derek sighed. No matter how much he felt like the timing was off, a baby was still a blessing he would not, could not refuse.

"Yes," he answered. "But that doesn't change the way I feel for you."

"But it's not about me anymore, Derek," she said, exasperated. "It's not about us. It's not even about the fact that I've been off in some hellhole for seven years. It's about a baby. Yours and Meredith's."

She looked away, unable to meet his eyes. "I'm not necessarily a good person, but I know my conscience won't let me stand in your way. Lord knows I've got enough going on in my head. I don't need the guilt to eat me up, too."

Derek stiffened. Was she giving him an out? Was she letting him go? That easily? He thought they were going to fight, throw things and break bones and say words that would hurt them but ultimately won't mean anything. He stared at her incredulously.

"What are you saying, Addie?"

Addison sighed. "I don't know what I'm saying. But I can't sit around and mope while my husband prepares for the birth of his child _with another woman_," emphasizing her last few words though she tried to keep the venom out of her voice. "I am not a martyr, Derek. But even so, I'm not strong enough to watch you make a life with her."

"Addison…"

"I am also not heartless. I won't make you choose between me and your child. I won't. But Derek…" her eyes started to water as the gravity of the situation hit her full force. "I need you," she whispered. The confusion was written all over her face. She had mixed emotions about it. She wanted Derek. She didn't want Derek. She wanted to have a life with him, but she didn't want that at the expense of a baby. Moreover, the confusion plaguing her now was intensified by her own unresolved issues about the past seven years.

He pulled her closer to him, and held her long and tight. A look of pain and regret and love and understanding flashed through his features, and he gulped at Addison's display of emotion.

He needed her, too.

They stayed that way for a long time, neither of them knowing how to proceed. The dilemma was something they both knew would affect their lives magnanimously.

"We're not going to end up anywhere tonight, Derek," Addison finally said. "I should go back."

He refused to let go of his hold in her, and kept her in place. " I love you, Addie," he said, for the nth time that day.

"Yeah. I know. I just wish that was enough."

Derek sighed. They were no closer to a decision. In retrospect, Addison should've been the bigger person and let him go if he wasn't strong enough to do that himself. But she was in no condition to be the bigger person, her own emotional instability not permitting her the strength to let him go.

"We'll talk again, I promise," Addison said, extracting herself from Derek's arms to stand up. "We're both tired, and I'm too emotionally drained to think about it any longer."

He nodded mutely and motioned for her to get into the car. Normally he would offer for her to stay over, but he knew both of them needed the time alone to think.

"Let me take you home," he said, before he started driving her back to the hotel.

* * *

A/N: Oh guys. I wish I could promise to update really soon, but I've only just gotten a breather from school. Please don't hate me.

On another note, I miss Addison and Derek. I needed to watch some videos on YouTube to get the muse back. But nevertheless, I hope you sort of liked this chapter, even if it took a year to post.


	11. Chapter 10

AN: Okay. So I've since proven that only a handful of people are still reading this story. But I still appreciate it. Thank you for the reviews! I promise to finish this story, I really do.

That said, I didn't do too bad with this update, right? It took me less than a week? Haha. At any rate, please read and I hope you enjoy!

- I still do not own anything.

* * *

_She was bound tightly by the hands, her eyes watering as she watched Tracy, one of the girls with her, being led to a room adjacent to where they were, the doors locking behind her. She couldn't bring herself to look, and tried to muffle out the sounds of Tracy's screaming, her pleading. It was too much, but she knew she couldn't react because that could mean the end of both their lives._

_Although their attackers promised not kill anyone, it was hard to take their word for it. So she tried to comfort herself by shutting her eyes tight, and humming a happy song to herself while forcing her brain to concentrate on anything but the desperate cries from Tracy's direction. _

_The tears fell hotly down her cheeks, and she could feel the tension in the room as the other girls struggled to keep quiet amid the hysteria. She would never know for sure what happened behind those doors, and it was something she should have been grateful for. But she couldn't find the ray of light or hope in the situation she was in. Not yet, at least. All the girls around her had been tortured one way or another, and she was being spared because their attackers didn't want to kill anybody._

_She almost snorted at the absurdity of it all. Here were some insane men kidnapping all these women, locking them up in a basement, keeping them for years and years, and then torturing them, but not wanting to kill them. They would always make sure the women were properly fed, but behind those doors, Addison could only shudder at her imagination's workings. She didn't know what these men wanted, or what sort of satisfaction they got from watching these women be hurt. But Addison was there for a reason. She had been tracked down, apparently, for two months even before she was kidnapped. They needed a doctor. They needed someone to make sure that these women were unharmed, or were at least able to heal, and they wanted Addison to ensure that. _

_For that reason, Addison was spared the gory happenings behind the door, but she watched as these women emerged beaten up and sore, and then allowed to recuperate, and then beaten up again, dampening their soul. Addison watched and it left an indelible mark in her very being. Because that was all she was able to do—watch. She would watch but be unable to help them until after. She would be unable to prevent anything lest she risk being hurt herself, and that wasn't something she was willing to participate in. _

_So she did her best, even if it meant her tears falling hotly down her cheeks as she tended to these women. She cherished the hour or so that the men would keep her hands unbound in order to care for them, and then she'd be treated just as roughly after. _

_Addison didn't understand, didn't even try to comprehend how these men could just pluck them out of society as if they were playing some sick joke. And in a way, that was just it. Everything to them was a sick joke. Because after a couple of years, they'd help you track your family down and let you go, just like that. It was crazy, and it was stupid, and Addison could feel the hatred coursing through her body every single minute of the past seven years of her life._

_She had lost seven years. Seven years as a doctor. Seven years as a daughter. Seven years a person. But what she didn't realize then was that she not only lost seven years as a wife, but that in those seven years, she had also managed to lose her husband._

Addison shot up in bed, her body glistening with sweat as she tried to comprehend her surroundings. She was in her hotel, but for a moment, she thought she was back in the basement, watching as yet another girl was taken to the back room. She shook her head, trying to rid her memory of the image, and in doing so hoping to calm her breathing down.

She couldn't come into terms with it. There were so many emotions—confusion, pain, disbelief, but more importantly—anger. She was angry. But she couldn't quite be sure if she was angry for losing seven years of her life, or for the sick pleasure the men found in torturing women, or for the fact that there was nothing normal to come back to after her release. Nothing in this whole situation was right, and Addison knew that full well.

Sighing, she squinted to check the time and realized it was 4:30 in the morning. She knew she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, so she slipped out of bed and turned the lights on. Immediately, the light flooded the room and she allowed her eyes a moment to adjust to her surroundings.

It's been a week since her talk with Derek. She'll never admit it, but the idea of losing him scared her. What scared her more, though, was that she knew losing him was the "right thing to do". She refused to make him choose between her and a baby—that was just entirely out of the question. But she needed him. She needed him so she could heal.

With another sigh, Addison trudged back to the bed and lifted her pillow to retrieve her mobile phone. It was 4:30 in the morning, but she didn't care. She was going to wake up whoever the hell she wanted to.

Taking her robe, she wrapped it around herself and pulled the key card from the slot and exited the room, knocking quietly on the door next to her's. Her parents had finally flown to Seattle—the day after her talk with Derek. She didn't know how long they were going to stay, but she was happy they were here.

After a while, she heard shuffling from behind the door and waited patiently for it to open. When it did, she saw her dad squinting to get a good look at her. She had obviously woken him up.

"Addie?" he questioned, pulling the door a little wider to step out to the hall. Bizzy was asleep and he didn't want to wake her.

Addison smiled up at him sheepishly. "Sorry to wake you up, Dad."

Anthony shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Is everything alright?"

She nodded, and then looked to her feet. She was shifting in place, and Anthony understood. He took one last look at his sleeping wife before he closed the door and led Addison back to her room.

Once inside, he closed the door and then turned around to see Addison settling herself on the plush couch. He smiled slightly and sat opposite her on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.

Addison shook her head no. She didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to forget.

"Okay."

Anthony sensed Addison just didn't want to be alone, and needed the company more than the conversation. So he contented himself just studying Addison's features. She was thin, that was for sure, and she had yet to fully rest because she didn't look her age. She looked a bit older than she really was, and her eyes were weary and sad. But as a father, he could only do so much. He was working hard in order to track down whoever did this to Addison, but he knew that that was just one half of the equation. The other half, of course, was in Derek and Addison's relationship. He knew Addison was hurting over it just as much if not more than the very act of being taken away from her husband. He could only imagine how painful it was for his daughter to come back with the bitter realization and disappointment over her husband finding another woman.

That in itself didn't sit well with Anthony, but he kept mum because they all dealt with Addison's disappearance differently. Archer started drinking more, Bizzy started talking less, often staring listlessly into space, and Derek… well… he needed a woman in his bed.

No. That was unfair though. Derek needed to get out of bed in the morning. And if it weren't for Meredith, Derek probably would have killed himself in between those seven years. It was because of Meredith that Addison still had Derek now, whether they were in a stable relationship or not.

"Dad?" she asked, looking up to meet her father's expectant gaze.

"Yeah, Addie-bee?"

She sighed, bringing her knees close to her chest. "Why is it so hard?" she whispered. "It's not supposed to be this hard."

Anthony looked at her sympathetically, his heart aching to ease her pain. But her turmoil was within, and it wasn't something he could merely reach out and grab.

"I know, honey. But it'll get better."

"When?" she asked forcibly. "When is it going to get better? Because I really need a break here."

"In time," he answered.

But the answer didn't satisfy Addison. So instead of responding, Addison stood up and grabbed herself a wine glass and poured some wine. She ignored her father's worried glance and gulped down the contents before she refilled it. Once it was filled to the brim, she took both the bottle and her glass back to the couch, resuming her earlier position.

Anthony sighed disapprovingly, staring as his daughter raised the glass to her lips, taking small sips.

"I need it to be better _now_, Dad."

"Yes, well. Things aren't going to get better with you drinking a whole bottle of alcohol at 4 in the morning," he said earnestly, not able to help the disapproval in his tone.

Addison merely shrugged, her desperation slowly creeping in. "I don't want to be this girl, Dad."

"Honey—"

"I used to proud. I used to never let anyone walk over me, and I refused to be anyone's leftovers. But I can't even find it in myself to be the bigger person and walk the fuck away."

"Addie, that's understandable. You're fighting for your husband, for your marriage. It's not easy to walk away from a marriage."

"Yes, but look at me. I'm still here, waiting for him to decide. He got Meredith knocked up, and I'm still waiting if he's going to choose me or not. I _hate_ that. I'm so pathetic."

Anthony looked at her sharply. "Addison Adrienne, you are not pathetic," he said firmly, refusing to allow his daughter to wallow in self-pity, but also not taking kindly to her being her own monster.

On any other occasion, Addison would've smiled at the way her father used both her names. But it wasn't the occasion for anything anymore—nothing save for alcohol and broken promises.

"Look, honey. I know things are hard, but everything is a choice. You have the choice to be all mopey about the situation, or take matters into your own hands and be strong. It's your choice. How you react is still your choice."

Addison frowned. "That's not a very easy choice," she admitted. "It's so easy to be weak and just give up."

"But you wouldn't be Addison if you weren't a fighter," he reminded.

She nodded slowly, acquiescing. Her father made a point. She was coerced into the situation, but it was still her choice if she wanted to run for the hills, stay and fight, or just be indifferent. It was just that at the moment, she didn't know which choice sounded most appealing.

"I suppose you're right."

Anthony grinned. "I'm always right."

She chuckled. "Love you, Dad."

"Love you too, honey." He looked at her thoughtfully, and nodded to himself. "Now, why don't you go back to sleep," he suggested, standing up and taking the wine glass from Addison's hands. He walked to the bathroom and threw the contents into the sink, returning to take the bottle away as well.

"There's no use being an alcoholic, Addie."

Addison nodded and stood up, hugging her father. Anthony held her close, kissed the top of her head and stroked her red hair.

"Try to get more sleep," he said, and then waited until Addison agreed and sat on the edge of the bed. He smiled at her and them moved to the door.

"Sorry for waking you up, Dad."

He shook his head and then left, closing the door with a quiet click.

She threw a quick glance at the clock and saw that it was still way too early. She also knew that she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so she stood up again and went out of the room. She made her way to the elevator.

It was honestly too early, and she cursed her body clock and her nightmares for taking away the precious amount of sleep she needed. But there was nothing to be done about that now, she thought, before she stepped into the elevator and pressed 5. The elevator moved down, and when it opened, she stepped off, turned left, and knocked on the first door.

"Come on Mark," she whispered, resting her forehead on the door as she waited for an answer.

This was a really bad habit—waking people up at an ungodly hour. But she shrugged off the guilt for now. Before long, the door opened to reveal a highly disheveled Mark, staring at her unbelievingly.

"You do realize what time it is, right?" he asked, pulling his boxers up a bit.

Addison chuckled. "Sorry. You look like you had a lot of fun last night," she said, noticing how Mark turned slightly red. "Can I come in, or am I disturbing anything?"

Seeing Addison's smirk, Mark rolled his eyes and stepped aside to let her in.

"For your information, I'm not stupid enough to screw someone in this hotel, seeing as you have an uncanny ability to wake up at all hours of the night and disturbing other people's precious sleep."

"Sorry. I just didn't want to be alone," she stated honestly, perching herself on the edge of his bed.

Mark nodded and sat down beside her, feeling the bed droop just a bit with the added weight.

"You okay?"

Addison shrugged.

"More nightmares?"

She shrugged again, shaking her head and staring at the carpet.

Mark sighed. "You really need to talk to someone about all of this, Adds. You can't keep it all in."

Addison looked up and met his gaze. "Will _you_ listen to me?"

Mark was taken aback. Would he listen to her? Of course he would! But at the moment, he didn't think he was the right person for her to come to. He felt like he was betraying Derek by being the one Addison was confiding in. And moreover, whatever Addison would tell him should surely be kept between the two of them only. That was going to put Mark in a compromising position, and he wasn't sure he wanted to be in the middle of Addison and Derek's problems. But he knew he had no other choice. He cared about Addison deeply, and if listening to her meant putting him dangerously close to his two best friends' issues, then so be it.

"You know I will," he responded, turning his body to her to silently urge her. He was trying to be encouraging, and his face was etched with attentiveness that Addison had to sigh a bit.

"Where should I start?" she asked, pulling her legs up Indian style and then grabbing one of Mark's pillows to hug tightly.

"Wherever you want to," he answered earnestly, also grabbing a pillow and laying on his belly.

Addison shrugged, getting comfortable on Mark's bed. "I don't really want to talk about… you know… the very reason we're in a city that never stops raining."

Mark had to laugh at this, Addison's dry humor not lost on him.

"I need Derek to be the first one to know about that. But I can't talk to Derek now because there's a whole other issue that's stopping me from doing so."

"You mean the baby?"

Exasperatedly, she exclaimed, "Yes! Exactly! I mean, I don't even know how I'm supposed to react to this whole baby drama thing."

"Well…" Mark shifted uncomfortably. Heart to heart talks really weren't his area of expertise, but he was trying. "How do you feel about it?"

Addison shrugged. She didn't know how she felt exactly.

"Okay, so maybe you don't know how you feel about the baby. But how do you feel about Derek? The last time we talked, you were pushing him away. And now… I don't know… are you being needy all of a sudden?"

Her eyes flashed incredulously. "Excuse me, I am _not_ needy," she stated firmly.

"I'm just saying."

"Well I'm not being needy," she said again. "Besides, I don't think it's out of bounds for me to want to be with my husband."

"You're right, it's not."

She sighed again, unable to express how she felt. The frustration was ebbing in, and she was desperate to hold on to the least amount of sanity she had, considering it was four in the morning and she barely had any sleep.

"You know what, never mind. Let's not talk about that."

He furrowed his brow in confusion. God, women could be so complicated sometimes. And Addison, even if she was his best friend, wasn't excluded from that generalization. He watched as Addison got up and started pacing in a way that made Mark a little scared.

"Addie?" he questioned, sitting upright on the bed, his eyes watching her intently.

"Let's not talk about that. I don't want to be reminded of it every single time. So let's talk about something neutral," she stated, her fingers running through her hair in a moment of panic.

Mark sighed. "Okay? What do you want to talk about then?" He glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearing five in the morning.

Addison stopped with her pacing and stared at Mark. "Let's talk about surgery. Medicine. Let's talk about medicine. Tell me all about your cases, quiz me about the basics, tell me anything, I don't care. Just talk to me about medicine."

Mark could see the fire behind Addison's eyes, and it was meddled with confusion, and he didn't like it. So for her sake and his, he tried to think of something medicine related. He was sure this was conversation was going to lead to Addison being more resolute about wanting to go back to work. In all honesty, he thought about the situation and he realized that to some extent, it would be healthy for Addison. She needed something constant—something to firmly hold on to, and medicine was just that.

Sighing, he said, "Female patient X presents with persistent nausea and vomiting, dehydration and faintness. Patient is pregnant, 12 weeks along, but is experiencing severe weight loss."

Addison looked thoughtful for a moment, and then smiled, her confidence renewed. _This_ was why she was the best. "Hyperemesis Gravidarum."

A silly grin spread on to Mark's face and he held his hand up for Addison to high five. She did so, and then they both laughed lightly, before Mark continued on with his hypothetic case presentations.

Somewhere between five and six thirty in the morning, Addison had shyly asked Mark again about the possibility of going back to work. She had sounded the idea off to Richard the week prior, but nothing was definite. And quite frankly, she didn't think the Chief was taking her very seriously then. She wondered if Mark would change his opinion if she was able to prove to him that she was still Dr. Addison Shepherd.

And then between six thirty and seven in the morning, both of them holding a steaming cup of coffee delivered by room service, Addison had convinced Mark to conditionally help her out with the Chief. She needed some convincing power, so she was going to take Mark with her for good measure.

Five hours later found Mark and Addison walking side by side towards the Chief's office at Seattle Grace. Addison was dressed in a yellow skirt with a black top, and black peep-toe Louboutins. Her right hand was holding on to a steaming cup of juju, and she laughed lightly at Mark's joke.

"Okay, try this one. Patient Y presents with clumsiness—"

"Clumsiness?"

Mark nodded. "Yes, clumsiness, muscle weakness and difficulty walking."

Addison raised a brow at him. "That can be a number of things, but this is obviously neuro."

He nodded again, taking a sip of his own juju as he matched Addison's stride.

"Is there any feeling in his limbs?"

Shaking his head, he replied, "Numbness in the arms and legs. Oh, and he seizes, too."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Thanks a lot, Mark. I kind of already knew he was seizing."

He put his hand on her lower back, guiding her on to the elevator, laughing. "Sorry."

"Any other symptoms you failed to mention, Dr. Sloan?"

Mark thought about for a moment. "Nystagmus and mental retardation," he replied, watching Addison's eyes light up with recognition.

She smiled triumphantly at him, already knowing the answer. "Giant Axonal Neuropathy," she stated surely, grinning up at him cheekily.

"I was so sure you weren't gonna get that," he said, ignoring the looks they were getting from the people in the elevator.

Addison shrugged. "I'm married to a neurosurgeon. We trade cases." She paused for a while, taking a sip of her juju. "Ask me about treatment."

"Okay, how is it treated?" he asked as they stepped off the elevator and turned right to the chief's office.

"Giant Axonal Neuropathy is symptomatic, which means you can't really treat it. If you do, the goal is simply to maximize physical and intellectual development."

Before Mark could answer, Derek came out of nowhere and matched their pace perfectly. He had just come from an early morning consult, and saw Mark and Addison step off the elevator as he was rounding the corner.

"You forgot that treatment is also to minimize deterioration of the neurons so they don't lose sensation too quickly," Derek said, smiling, before he kissed Addison on cheek. The contact was maybe slightly strained, but it was meaningful nonetheless.

Addison smiled up at him and offered him her juju. He took it gratefully, flashing her a grin.

"Good morning, Derek," Addison greeted, watching Derek take a sip of the steaming hot cocoa.

"Morning," he answered. "Morning, Mark."

"Good morning," Mark answered, rolling his eyes at the way the couple shared the juju. He never liked sharing his food, and watching Addison and Derek drink from the same cup seemed all too cheesy for him.

Derek returned the cup after another sip and then proceeded to lay his hand on the small of Addison's back. It was a possessive gesture that was meant to reassure not just Addison, but himself as well.

"Where are you guys headed to?" he asked, shifting the chart he was holding in his other hand.

"Chief," Mark answered curtly, downing the last of his juju before crumpling the cup in his hand. Addison only nodded mutely.

"Well, I have to go see a patient. But if you're both free for lunch…" he trailed off, his offer already understood.

"We'll meet you for lunch," Mark said, glancing at Addison, who only nodded in the affirmative. Addison hadn't discussed the whole matter of going back to work with Derek, and Mark didn't want to an argument to pop out of nowhere, especially since Addison had yet to make it official.

There were still doubts in Mark's head about Addison's readiness for work, but he knew Addison needed it, and he told that morning he'd think about what he'd tell Richard. He didn't make any promise, and she didn't want him to lie to the Chief, but she needed Mark with him if only to make her case stronger.

Derek smiled slightly, knowing that the encounter was slightly strained. "Great, I'll see you later then," he answered before proceeding to kiss Addison on the forehead and walking off to his patient.

Things definitely needed a big boost between him and Addison. And he was going to have to settle things with her soon.

Mark and Addison spent the rest of the walk to the chief's office in silence. When they had arrived, Mark pushed the door open for Addie, letting her in with a small smile to Patricia, Richard's secretary.

Richard looked up from his desk, and immediately, a smile spread on his face.

"Well if it isn't my favorite Shepherd," he greeted, standing up from behind his desk and pulling his glasses off.

Addison had to shake her head, but she was laughing just the same as she made her way toward him. Richard enveloped her in a fatherly hug, rubbing her back encouragingly.

"You need to eat more," he stated, squeezing Addison's arms as if to emphasize his point.

"I'm eating," she argued defensively, her hands up as if in surrender.

Richard looked at her disbelievingly before stepping out of Addison's personal space to shake Mark's hand.

"At any rate, I'll have to take you to see Adele. She'll feed you until you're ready to be roasted," he chuckled, remembering that Addison loved Adele's seafood casserole, and that Adele knew Addison loved her crème brulee.

The chief motioned for them to take a seat, and they did so. The chairs were lofty and sort of reminded Addison of her futon couch back in New York. The couch was ugly, but it was incredibly comfortable.

"To what do I owe the pleasure this morning?" he asked, watching Addison intently. He knew Addison was struggling. He knew Addison was in a really difficult situation. And if there was anything he could do to help, he would. He also knew that Addison was thinking very seriously about returning to work. He wouldn't deny it—he had put the idea into her head so soon after she returned. It only blossomed into a full-grown resolution when Addison realized she needed a distraction.

There was no doubt in the Chief's mind, however, that despite Addison current situation, she was still a competent doctor. But he wasn't going to force that on her, at least not yet. That, and he didn't want her to do it _just because_. There were things to be considered, and he knew that Addison had to be evaluated, first and foremost, and then that there was protocol to be followed. He wasn't sure what the protocol was exactly for hiring someone who'd gone missing for seven years, but he was going to find out and make sure it was fulfilled seamlessly.

"We talked about this last week and I've decided I really, seriously, want to go back t owork," Addison stated, straight to the point. "If you want me to go to a therapist and get cleared, I'll do that. But I'm taking up your previous offer and I want to work. I'm going crazy at home."

Richard raised a brow at her. As the chief, had no qualms over hiring Addison at once. But he was her friend, too, and he needed to make sure she was ready for it.

"Are you sure, Addie? You don't think it's too soon?" He sat back in his chair, his back resting on the rest behind him, studying Addison intently.

She shrugged. "If I don't do this now, I'm never gonna be able to do it. Now is a good a time as any."

In her head, she was pleading, silently begging for Richard to take her seriously. She knew that when Richard had offered her a position before, he wasn't thinking she'd take the offer so soon. She also knew that when she had broached the topic a week prior, Richard wasn't expecting her to make a life-changing decision without properly taking into account all considerations.

Richard studied her for a moment, as if trying to gage if this was really Addison speaking, or her emotions. But he could see the tenacity in Addison's demeanor, recognized the competence and the confidence, and knew for sure Addison was still the highly skilled doctor she used to be.

When he didn't say anything at first, Addison continued, all the while trying to convince Richard. "I'll get clearance from a psychiatrist. I'll go to therapy sessions. You don't even need to get me into surgery all at once—just consults. But please, pluck me out of my misery and put me right to work."

"Does Derek know about this?" he asked, knitting his brow slightly.

Addison was not to be deterred. "I may have broached the topic once or twice."

"And did he actually agree?" he asked again, his brows now raising. He knew that Derek was protective, and certainly wouldn't approve of this. And if Derek found out that he had willfully allowed Addison to work, Derek would have his head for sure.

She sighed, looking directly into the Chief's eyes. "Richard, as far as I'm concerned, Derek only has so much to say. He's technically married to someone else, and has no say in my decisions. And though that's not to say that I'm indifferent and I could care less if Derek and I get back together permanently, he really has too much on his plate to think about something as mundane as me going back to work."

The chief turned his attention to Mark. "What do you think, Dr. Sloan?" Certainly going back to work wasn't mundane.

Mark sat up straighter in his chair. He met Addison's gaze for a brief second before he let out a small sigh. He had thought about this answer well, and he had carefully phrased it in his head.

"I think Addison is a competent doctor, and I'm not just saying that because I'm her friend," he paused. "I really believe Addison is skilled will be able to fulfill what needs to be fulfilled as a doctor. As with all other doctors, our personal lives take a backseat, and I think that's something to consider."

Addison smiled appreciatively at Mark before turning back to the chief. Mark returned the gesture and nodded at her encouragingly.

Richard sighed, knowing Mark had a point. If Derek was two million dollars a year, Addison was worth almost twice as much. If he thought Derek could put Seattle Grace on the map, he knew for sure Addison would make Seattle Grace's prestige known the world over. Addison was a force to be reckoned with in the medical world, and that doesn't just go away because she went through some emotional trauma (regardless of how big this trauma might be).

There was a momentary pause as both Addison and Mark waited for the Chief to make a decision. It wasn't strictly a business decision, per se, for the Chief knew the consequences of hiring Addison. But if ever he agreed to hiring her, it wouldn't be because it would make more money for him, but because he wanted to help a friend.

Addison needed this, and he knew that. It also wouldn't hurt to him to have the infamous Shepherd pair under his belt, too.

"Alright," he relented finally, looking at Addison square in the eyes. "I'll get Patricia to draw up a contract for you," he stated, making a mental note to check with the Board about protocol.

From across him, Addison smiled gratefully at him. Had she not been Addison Shepherd, she probably would have squealed with delight. But she was who she was, so she settled for a sigh of relief.

If there was anything she was most confident with, it was her skill as a surgeon, as a doctor. Never mind the crap she had been through, she was the best in her field and she knew it—and she intended to use that skill as best she could.

Standing up, she hurried over to Richard and gave him and embraced him appreciatively. She buried her face in his chest in the way she had done when she first saw her own father after seven years.

"Thank you, Richard," she said earnestly, the gratitude in her tone not lost on the Chief.

The Chief smiled down at her. "Welcome to the team, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

God, it felt great to _be_ Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd again.

* * *

Like it? Hate it? Do let me know. The next chapter has already been written so don't worry about me taking too long a time to update. Thank you for reading! No, really. THANK YOU for reading. :)


	12. Chapter 11

AN: Hi guys. Thank you for the encouragement! I must say that I've missed updating this often, and I've missed writing a lot. It's taking away my study time so I'll have to hustle with reading my school books this weekend, but Addek is happiness. As usual, thank you so much for reading.

- I own nothing.

* * *

He overheard the nurses talking about it. Not that he was eavesdropping or anything. It was just that he was keenly aware that the gossip going around was about him, or at the very least concerned him. And he was right. What hurt the most, of course, was that he had to hear it over the grapevine, and not through the people who were key players in the whole story.

But Derek didn't really have much ground to stand on in terms of his relationship with Addison. And he _needed_ that ground if he wanted to have any say in her decisions. Addison going back to work, at Seattle Grace nonetheless, meant that even at work, his personal problems would hit him full force. But there was nothing to be done about that now, and quite honestly, that was the least of his worries. He didn't care about his problems anymore, at least not any more than not wanting to hurt Addison and Meredith.

Taking one last look at the digital clock blinking in his car, he got out and made his way to Meredith's front door. Derek knew that she was off tonight, taking the opportunity to discuss their future together. For the most part, he had successfully avoided thinking about it, throwing himself into work so that he wouldn't have to be reminded of how messed up his personal life was. In that respect, he and Addison were the same.

Inserting the key into the lock, he turned it and then pushed the door open, warm air immediately greeting him as it hit his face. He stepped into the foyer, bolted the door, and then shed his jacket off. It was raining again. He didn't usually mind, but it was getting admittedly tiresome. There wasn't enough sunshine.

Laying his jacket on the couch, he took his shoes off hastily, set them by the side table, and then proceeded to climb the stairs to his and Meredith's room. He hadn't stayed at the house since Addison arrived. It felt wrong. But climbing the steps hit him with déjà vu, remembering all the times he had climbed it with the same heavy feeling in his chest, only this time the heaviness was extremely palpable.

The light to the master bedroom was still on; he could see it from under the door, filtering. This only meant that Meredith was awake, and that there was no other reason to postpone the talk they desperately needed to have. Procrastination was only going to get them so far.

Gently, he opened to door to the master bedroom to reveal Meredith sitting Indian style on the bed, charts scattered around her as she was hunched over scribbling something down on one of them. She looked up at the sound of the door opening, and offered him a weak smile as she straightened her back. If she was surprised that Derek was here, she didn't really make a show of it. She was starting to get used to the lonely nights.

"Hey," she greeted softly, noting the lines on Derek's face. He was tired, that much was obvious, and she ached to run to him and hold him close. That, however, was entirely out of context now. They were on rocky ground, obviously, and not just because they were both emotionally strained, but because a divorce was looming just above their heads.

Derek returned the smile and closed the door behind him, walking over to the bed to kiss Meredith chastely on the lips. To some extent, he missed her. He missed the comfort only she was able to bring him when he was in rock bottom, and he missed how she was able to let him see past the negativity and find a reason to smile again.

"Hey yourself," he replied. "You brought work home?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed to pull his socks off, the bed dipping slightly at his weight.

Meredith nodded. "I need to finish this patient's chart so she can get discharged," she said, gesturing to the chart she had been filling up.

"How long have you been at it?" he inquired, the small talk acting as a buffer between them.

She looked thoughtful for a minute before shrugging. "Maybe about two hours, give or take."

Derek grimaced. "You should be resting. You're in no condition to be working so late into the night. And I'll have to talk to the chief tomorrow so he can cut your hours up a bit." His tone was laced with concern, with loving affection that he himself wondered if that was for Meredith herself, or for the baby.

Meredith's face fell, and she shifted nervously in place. "You don't have to," she protested meekly.

"I _have _to," he responded, meeting her gaze. "You'll have to start taking care of yourself more."

Meredith kept silent, instead allowing her eyes to follow Derek's every movement. He was stripping his shirt off and then pulling a ratty college shirt from his closet, throwing it over him. Next he shed his pants and pulled a pair of basketball shorts on. He was a man of routine, that much was obvious.

She raised a brow inquisitively. "You're staying?" she asked, allowing the surprise to seep into her tone. They hadn't spent the night together since Addison's arrival because it would only serve to complicate things.

Derek nodded. "We need to talk."

Meredith had yet to meet a person that wasn't automatically nervous upon hearing those four simple words. It always meant a serious conversation, something that always daunted her. She doubted her readiness for this conversation, but Derek look hell-bent on getting the matter straightened out tonight.

She shifted in place before she nodded and set the charts to one side. Would she tell him the truth tonight? Or would she keep playing this charade with him, fooling him and herself as well? She wasn't sure, and she honestly didn't want to think about it. Just the thought of it gave her a headache.

He noted Meredith's tension, attributing it to the fact that things between them have been incredibly strained lately, if not forced. He'd only seen her a total of five times in the past week, and even then barely had a decent, superficial exchange with her. They hadn't discussed the baby, and they hadn't discussed how they were going to resolve their issues.

Derek knew that he was being incredibly unfair to her. She had been his rock for the longest time, and yet here he was, almost ready to give her up in a split second because Addison was back. It wasn't fair, and it certainly wasn't right. He felt like an ass, and he knew full well he didn't deserve Meredith.

Moving to the bed, he climbed it and mimicked Meredith's position. He sat across from her, Indian style, and took a hold of her hands, squeezing them lightly. He hadn't met her questioning gaze just yet, but he wanted her to feel like he was being supportive.

"Derek…" she started, wringing her hands out of his grasp.

He looked up at the action and flashed her a questioning look. "Meredith—"

"I know you're having a really… _confusing_ time," she said, cutting him off. "And I understand that perfectly. But I suppose you're right. We have to talk about us."

"We do," he agreed. There were a lot of things to be laid down on the table, a lot of things that needed decisions, at least to him. He was still unaware that Meredith was deceiving him.

There was a momentary lull between them, neither knowing what to say. There was so much to talk about, but none of them knew where to start. The decisions they had to made were big, and would ultimately dictate how the rest of their lives would play out.

With a sigh, Derek finally looked up and studied Meredith's face for a moment. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love the woman in front of him. He loved Meredith—he was sure of it. But it was increasingly hard to give himself up to her knowing that not all of his heart was in it. He loved her, but he wondered how strong that love was now.

"We're having a baby," he said slowly, softly. He was wrapping his mind around it.

In front of him, Meredith nodded just as cautiously. She was weary, and she was nervous. She didn't know how she could watch Derek's reaction and actually _stand_ it. What shocked her most was how she could _live_ with the deceit, knowing full well that she was manipulating the situation.

"We're having a baby," he said again, more firmly this time, meeting Meredith's gaze. Without warning, his face broke out into a wide grin, and he exclaimed again. "We're having a baby."

Meredith smiled at him nervously. "Yeah, I guess so."

Derek took Meredith's hands yet again and kissed them. "It's… amazing," he said earnestly, himself surprised by the pure awe in his voice. He'd always wanted a child—well, at least in those times he wasn't too screwed up over Addison. There was a keen sense of amazement that flooded him, and he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, right there and then, that he wanted this baby. He wanted it and he loved it, and he wasn't going to trade the experience of being a father for anything in the world.

Meredith saw the wonder in Derek's eyes, and realized that Cristina was right. This was going to hurt Derek more. But she didn't know how to retract the statement, not when Derek was, in spite of himself, actually excited for the baby. She could only nod.

"Yeah, it _is_ amazing," she agreed, worry etching her face only slightly. She didn't know how much longer she would be able to play this game with him, and knew that sooner or later, the guilt would eat her up.

Derek shook his head, a smile still lingering on his lips as he stared at Meredith. He let go of one of her hands and allowed the back of his two fingers to brush Meredith's cheek gently, affectionately.

"This is unexpected," he admitted, still stroking her cheek. "But I wouldn't trade this for anything."

Meredith smiled at him, enjoying the contact with Derek. If she hadn't been sitting down, she probably would have collapsed. But here she was, sitting right in front of the love of her life, and she longed for nothing more but to find all the right reasons to be with him.

"I know things are complicated," she said, taking the hand Derek had on her cheek and gripping it tightly. "But I believe we can do this."

He nodded. "We can. I mean, we're not exactly in the best place right now, or in the best situation to raise a baby, but we'll be great parents."

She didn't know where she found to courage to keep lying, and to keep the conversation about the baby going. There was no baby, but she acted as if there was, and for a moment, she believed it too. She wished it were true.

"We will," she agreed, holding Derek's gaze.

They stayed that way for a while before Derek cleared his throat. It was time to really discuss their issues, to clear matters up so that they both knew where they were standing. Meredith sensed what was about to come and turned her gaze away, focusing her eyes on the pattern on the wallpaper.

"So…" she whispered, shifting nervously yet again.

Derek sighed. "We're in a complicated situation."

She nodded in agreement. "Yes we are."

He paused for a moment before he set his hand on Meredith's face to force her to look at him. When she complied, he met her gaze and said, "You know that I love you, right?"

Tears started to well in Meredith's eyes, but she stubbornly didn't allow them to fall. She just sniffed them back and nodded. "I know you do."

"This is… extremely hard."

"I know. But I have to know."

A questioning look came over Derek's face, urging Meredith to continue.

"I have to know if you love her too, or if you're willing to fight for me, for us, for this baby. I mean, I know you love her. And I know that to some extent, I've always shared you with her. But what do I mean to you, Derek?"

Derek sighed, running his fingers through his curly locks. "You know my answer to that," he said softly.

She shook her head. "I really don't anymore," she replied in earnest.

"You're my rock," he started, again taking Meredith's hands in his before he scooted over closer to her. "You saved me from a lot of things, and accepted me even though you knew I was hopelessly in love with someone else. And now this someone else is back in the picture, and I can't quite decide if I want her, or want you. That's the problem. I want you both."

"You can't have us both," she said with a shake of her head.

"I know that. But Meredith, you're going to have to promise me one thing. You have to promise that no matter how bad things are between us, you're not going to keep this child from me," he said almost pleadingly, his eyes begging her to understand. He loved this child, and he didn't want his relationship with the two women to affect him as a father. Because if he was going to be a failure of a husband, he vowed he was going to be the best damned father this child could get.

Meredith exhaled, but looked thoughtful for a moment. She smiled at him. "I promise, Derek. No matter how bad things are between us, you're still this baby's father and I have no right to take that away."

Derek sighed in relief. "Thank you. You have… such a big heart. I'm so screwed up, but you're always so patient with me. You're too kind."

She shrugged. "Maybe to a fault," she stated, closing her eyes in thought. She contemplated telling him the truth now, before the lie went too far. But she wasn't strong enough. She knew he was going to be angry, and would reject her, and would never want to see her again after being hurt like this. And until she could accept that and let him go, she decided she had to stick with the lie.

"But what about us?" Meredith continued, "We technically aren't really married," she said, keeping the bitterness out of her voice successfully. "You said so yourself, the marriage is void. But the past five years were real to me, and I consider myself married to you."

He nodded. "They _are_ real, Meredith. Don't doubt that. But we're walking on thin ice here."

Derek paused to gather his thoughts, not really knowing how to continue the conversation. It was just like his conversation with Addison—fruitful and yet not so. They had been able to establish some things, but the big decisions were yet to be considered. He was lost.

"I suppose it boils down to who you love more," she stated, grimacing at the thought. She knew the answer to that full well.

Derek had to gasp at the familiarity of those words. Mark had told him this was the deciding factor, and he replayed the conversation with his best friend in his head, trying to jog his memory up if he was any closer to a decision then. He knew he wasn't, but he knew Mark was right. Mark's wise words from that conversation made him realize some things, but faced with the possibility of truly ending it with Meredith, he didn't feel like it was the most appealing choice.

So once again, he was trailing along two women. He was undecided, and in the process was hurting the two women he loved most. He didn't understand why he was so confused, or why he just couldn't make a decision and live with it. Did someone else need to make his decisions for him? No. He had to make the decisions himself, but it was killing him to not know where all of his heart lay.

"I can't answer that," he stated, adjusting his foot from under his leg. "That's unfair."

"Then what is it going to take for you to decide? Because I'm not sure I want to sit here and mope while you contemplate where your heart lies. You love her, I get that. You love me and this baby, I get that too. But where do you draw the line between love and obligation?"

Derek sighed, allowing Meredith's words to sink in and wash over him. She had an extremely valid point, one he had been pondering since the moment he realized he needed to choose. But when you're standing literally at a crossroad that would ultimately decide the way you're going to spend the rest of your life, the questions come in and flood you easier than the confidence you need to make you decide.

"Meredith… I really don't know right now. But I would like to be able to keep you and the baby, and then squeeze Addison into the picture. I can't decide. I can't hurt one and live happily ever after with the other. I can't."

"Derek, the only reason you're staying with me is because of this baby. Do you honestly think that without the baby, you'd still be as confused as you are now? You were practically flying out the window when Addison arrived, and you were ready to leave me behind. I don't want you staying with me just because of this baby."

This was something Meredith knew all along, and she had taken a risk by saying it out loud. She was playing the whole reverse psychology thing with him, which wasn't something she was sure was going to work, so she prevented herself from telling him she didn't want him if all he wanted was the baby. The entire thing was a lie, and she knew that. She knew that and mindfully played tricks on Derek's emotions, toying with him until he could make a decision. The consequences of her actions would have to be dealt with eventually, but right now, she was trying to make him realize that he couldn't live without her. After all, he had successfully survived seven years without Addison Shepherd, so essentially, he had proved that living without Addison was possible. But without Meredith, where would he be?

Once again, Derek knew that Meredith was right. She was right, and Addison was right, but that didn't make things any less hard. With a slight glance to her, he moved closer to her body and took Meredith's face in his hands, bringing their lips to a soft kiss. It wasn't passionate, but it was meaningful, and Derek hoped the kiss would be enough for both of them tonight.

The following day found Derek up and early at the hospital, having been paged at four in the morning to tend to a victim of a car accident. He was tired, but he was in a good mood because the man pulled through the surgery successfully. Buying himself a cup of hot coffee, he climbed the elevator, and got off the third floor the check on a consult he was paged for.

He turned the corner and spotted Addison from the end of the hall. She had never confronted him about going back to work, and he was still feeling slightly resentful at having heard that piece of information from the gossip that seemed to make the hospital thrive. As it was, the nurses were having a field day discussing the state of both his marriages—both of them as shabby and unstable as he could ever imagine. It bothered him because he knew that the rumors was starting to turn sour, and he'd heard his name and the word coward in the same sentence more than he'd care to admit.

He studied her from afar for a moment. Her red hair was pulled back into a high ponytail. She was wearing a black skirt and a black top underneath her white coat. She was impeccably dressed, as usual, her high heels only serving to emphasize her long slender legs. And although she was thinner that usual, Derek still couldn't help but admire her form. She was beautiful, and he had to remind himself to breathe.

At the moment, she perusing some charts, her brow creasing as she no doubt tried to figure out what was wrong with her patient. One second she was biting her bottom lip, the next she was groaning in frustration.

Snapping himself out of his trance, he carefully strode over to where she stood, determined to ask her about work. He didn't appreciate being left in the dark, but he wanted to be as calm, collected, and reasonable about it. Taking one last sip of his coffee, he threw it into the nearest trashcan and walked ever closer to her.

"So it's true. You're back to work," Derek greeted Addison, leaning on the nurses' station while watching Addison scribble something on a chart.

She looked up from what she was writing to meet Derek's gaze. She nodded. "Took you long enough to confront me about it," she stated, turning her attention back to the chart.

Addison had been working two days. In those two days, she had barely encountered both Derek and Meredith. She was extremely grateful for that, but that wasn't to say she was okay. With her marriage hanging in the air, and her nightmares plaguing her every night, it was hard to find a reasonable way to deal. But she was resilient, and was choosing to be indifferent in the meantime until she could sort through everything in her head.

She wasn't feeling particularly chipper that morning because a detective from New York had flown in the day prior to question her on her disappearance. She didn't bother telling Derek about it, at least not yet, and her parents had stood in for him during the whole thing. Even to the detective, she could not give a proper recap of the happenings in the past seven years, and only managed to give bits and pieces of information until she decided she'd had enough for one night. To say that the meeting was unexpected was a lie. She was well aware that the police wanted rectify the situation, as well as to put a close to her long-open case. But to say that it didn't encumber her the slightest bit was a bigger lie. Being verbal about what had happened was entirely disconcerting.

So when Derek had stood beside her that morning, she wasn't feeling particularly friendly- especially not to Derek. There was the slightest bit of bitterness slowly enveloping her heart, and although she resented that, she couldn't help it. But knowing that she was in no emotional state to make any big decisions for her life, she chose to table the issue for a moment and just concentrate on work.

Derek's eyes scanned her visage, her entire demeanor speaking volumes. She was being passive-aggressive, and he didn't like it.

"You could have informed me, you know," he said slowly. "I had to hear it from the hospital grapevine."

He fought to keep the hurt from his tone, but he needed Addison to understand that he was still her husband, no matter how up in the air that title seemed to be nowadays. And if Addison disagreed to that, he was still someone who cared for her deeply, and would want to be included in big steps like this.

Addison merely shrugged and closed the chart she was perusing. She turned her body to face Derek and then met his gaze. She was trying her hardest not to be short, and to be just a little more pleasant to him.

"You had too much on your mind," she stated. "Me going back to work should be the least of your concerns."

Derek suppressed the heavy sigh that was about to erupt, instead opting to shake his head slightly. "You're still my wife, and this is still a big decision. I have a right to be included in this."

The statement angered Addison, if only because they weren't acting like husband and wife since she had returned. What's more, of course, was that she felt it entirely unfair that Derek got to call her his wife when he was technically still stringing along two women. She was infuriated, and she clearly did not appreciate being dictated upon by a man. What was this—a patriarchal society? She was strong and independent, and quite frankly didn't need anyone's approval.

Clenching her jaw, she raised her chin and let the flash of anger into her eyes. "Yes, well, I think you've lost that right since you started being fickle about the rest of your life."

She honestly didn't mean to snap, or sound so spiteful, but that's how her words came out. Derek's face registered his shock, but he mimicked her stance and clenched his jaw. They were now both hyped up, and getting ready for the biggest fight they would have since being reunited. It wouldn't be pleasant, they both knew it, but they were getting so worked they didn't care that now was hardly the time to fight, especially because they were in the middle of a hospital, in the middle of a shift, with patients depending on them to concentrate on the life-saving.

"You think it's easy, Addison?" he asked, his voice hushed but still angry. He was turning slightly red with the effort it took to not make a scene. "You think it's an easy choice between you and Meredith?"

"I don't know!" she snapped, "but you're not doing me any favors by making me wait. I'm tired of waiting. When you found out Meredith was knocked up, you could've had the decency to leave me because I know you wouldn't leave her."

They were getting to the root of their issues, all of the understanding and patience flying out the window as they argued, heatedly and passionately.

"It's not that easy," he countered, acutely aware of the way the nurses started to stare at them. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

Addison snorted disbelievingly. "No, I don't think it's easy. But you've been saying that since I got here that I hardly believe it anymore. It's not easy—so what? It doesn't make the decision any less urgent. If you cared about us so much, then why are you hurting us like this?"

"You don't understand," he argued, his voice clipped and firm. His temper was rising quickly now.

"Oh, I do. Perfectly," she stated, fixing Derek a hard stare. "You don't know who to pick, so you tell us both to wait. And now that there's a goddamn baby in the equation, you still can't make up your mind enough to even consider how this would affect everyone else. You're not the only one having a hard time, Derek. I said I'd fight for us, but I don't want to be the only one doing that. And I certainly don't intend to be doing that when I'm in the middle of my own damn issues."

Their voices were starting to escalate—too loudly, and they had attracted the attention of a handful of interns and nurses. Everyone was watching them intently, all of them shifting uncomfortably in position as they assessed the situation. Would they need to step in? Would they need to tell the chief?

Pulling Addison roughly to empty exam room across them, he locked the door and met her stoney gaze. Thankfully, the blinds were drawn to a close, and the room was perfect for a yelling competition.

"I'm fighting for us too," he stated emphatically, gesturing to emphasize his point.

"Obviously not enough. Because if you had wanted to be with me 100%, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. You wanted to be with me, you said you'd leave her. But now that there's a baby involved, you can't seem to finally make up your mind. Keep this up and I'm going to be the one to make the decision for you." Her voice was dangerously calm now, the kind of calm that makes you sweat all over and just _worry_. She was by no means trying to threaten him, only make him see her point.

"I thought you didn't want me to choose between you and the baby? I thought you weren't going to make me?" he accused, remembering what she had said some nights before about not being a heartless person.

Addison sighed, her frustration already getting the best of her. "I said I wasn't going to. And I don't intend to. You're the one of us who's trying to figure out a way to get both me and the baby. Which is actually pretty selfish, but that's entirely beside the point. The point is- you can't have us both. And since you haven't come up with a plan as to how to win in this situation, I'll do the choosing for you."

She said it firmly, with a finality that left almost no room for doubt. And because she sounded so serious, so sure of herself, the tension in the room was immediately palpable. Addison didn't mean to bring all of this up now, and she wondered where she had gotten all the confidence to confront Derek. But that's how it happened, and she wasn't about to take her words back. She meant them. She wasn't going to stand on the side and watch as her husband, the man she loved for more than a decade, be confused over something she believed wasn't something he should even be thinking of.

Derek deadpanned, and he instantly froze as he registered the implications of what Addison had just said. Was she bluffing? Was she serious? He shook his head, trying to calm himself down. Addison's words had sobered him up a bit, but he wasn't entirely calm, and he could still feel the remnants of his anger coursing through his veins.

"Addison..."

"You're being selfish, Derek" she stated, needing him to know what she thought of him. Her opinion had changed dramatically in the past couple of days, especially since she had adjusted to society. She wasn't clingy, or too emotionally dependent anymore. She was stronger, more confident, and had established a routine for herself. How long before she would tire of the routine, she didn't know. She didn't know when the effort of putting up a wall around her would exhaust her, but she needed to keep it up if she wanted to protect herself any.

In those few seconds, she had realized how tired she was of Derek toying with her and Meredith. Granted she knew he was confused, he was also being cowardly. He wanted both of them, and that wasn't possible. So he was prolonging the decision, letting it hang above their heads until he could find a way to have all that he wanted, or a way to grow a backbone. Addison was tired, and she didn't need Derek's indecisions to hinder her healing. She didn't need this issue, not at all, because to her, there were things that were more important. Addison wasn't about to be defined by a man. She wouldn't let her happiness, or the way the rest of her life would go for that matter, be in the hands of a single man, especially of said man was in the middle of his own issues.

"You're being selfish," she repeated emphatically, locking eyes with him. "You want both me and the baby when you know you can't. You're hurting Meredith because you only want her for the baby. You're hurting me because you think I can live with all this waiting, putting aside my own issues until you can make a decision. And you're sure as hell hurting this baby because you can't be strong enough to stand on your own. You're a selfish man, Derek."

Derek stuttered, but really unable to come up with any comprehensible thought. He was shocked with Addison's outright statement, but he was also angry. He had yet to realize the truth behind her words, and he chose to dwell on the anger currently bubbling in the pit of his gut. His ego was bruised, and his pride faltered. Addison had taken a free jab at him, and he didn't take that too kindly.

If Addison wanted to play dirty, he could. If Addison wanted him to be ruthless, he would.

His jaw clenched, and his brows furrowed furiously. He didn't care, now, that Addison had her own issues. All reason flew out the door as his outrage slowly but surely crept its way up.

"I'm _selfish_, Addison?" he spat disbelievingly, his voice steadily escalating. "_I'm_selfish? Well you're just as selfish. I thought you understood my predicament. I thought we were on the same page when I poured my heart out to you the other day. But apparently not, because you're here forcing me into a decision I'm not ready to make!"

"There _is_no decision to make," Addison argued hotly. "You've already decided you want both the baby and me, but not once has it crossed your mind that maybe I can't live with that. Because I can't, Derek. At least not when I'm hurting like this, and not when you can't even commit to me and just me. I've tried so hard to play the understanding wife here, letting you take your time. But this is all bullshit now. You've stepped on me more than once in the few weeks I've been back, and I'm not going to stand for any of that again."

"What do you want from me, Addison?" he snapped. "I'm trying to make the best out of this situation. All I ask is for you to be patient. But you can't! You have no idea how hard these past seven years have been for me, so don't go about pointing these things out to me, not when you're the reason we're in the situation in the first place!"

And there it was. He had said it. He had blamed her for the mess they were currently in. He barely registered the hurt on Addison's face, or the sting as Addison's palm collided squarely with his right cheek. He only registered the regret that flooded him almost instantly as he realized what he had just said.

_Not when you're the reason we're in this is situation in the first place_. It echoed in her ears, in her head, in her heart, jabbing at her soul. He blamed her for the way their lives were playing out before them, and that hurt her far too much.

Addison's eyes flared, but she would show no more pain. If Derek blamed her, then so be it. Things were far too complicated for the both of them now, and she didn't have the strength to fight with him anymore. Not today, at least.

She had slapped Derek, all together realizing that whatever force she had exerted was nothing compared to the hurt he had inflicted on her in the weeks she had been back. She knew he didn't mean to hurt her, but he had and the hurt was almost unbearable.

A heavy silence engulfed them, Addison's tears kept willfully at bay, and Derek's mouth slightly agape as he realized his audacity. Only their ragged breathing filled the tensed atmosphere, both of them unable to comprehend how their situation went from bad to so much worse in a matter of minutes.

"Addie, I'm sorry," he started, whispering and meeting her gaze. "You know I don't mean that." He needed her to believe him, needed her to believe that what happened seven years ago wasn't her fault. It wasn't and he didn't blame her.

He moved to be closer to her, but she took a step back in the process. She held her hand up in defeat, looking to the floor to avoid his regretful gaze.

"I was caught up in the moment," he tried again, willing his voice to sound truthful.

"No, don't," she said softly. "Don't come closer and don't say anything." She closed her eyes, mentally berating herself for losing control over the situation. She had not planned on this, but it was here, and there was nothing left to do but to deal with it.

Another silence consumed them, Derek's heart beating in his chest. He longed to go back to two minutes prior, to take back what he said and erase the look of pain in Addison's face. He really was selfish, and realized that now, but he couldn't change what he said.

"I should've been the bigger person" she muttered finally, more to herself than to Derek. "I should've been the bigger person and just let you go the moment I realized you were married to someone else. But I was weak and vulnerable that—"

"Addison, please. Don't say that." It pained him to see her admit her limitations.

"But it's true," she insisted. "I was weak and vulnerable and _stupid_. I should've been stronger." She shook her head slightly, wiping angrily at the two drops of tears that escaped her eyes. She sniffed and closed her eyes briefly.

Standing up straighter, she finally met Derek's lonely gaze and sighed. "But I won't be weak anymore," she decided, her words soft but firm. "I'm a strong, independent woman. You don't owe me anything. So go home to Meredith, Derek, because I'm done."

* * *

Okay. Don't kill me. I know. I'm actually kind of in a rut. I know where I want to go with the story, but I don't know how to write it for it to actually get there. So I don't really know how much longer this story is gonna be. I'm trying to keep it under 20 chapters. At any rate, the next chapter is already half-written, and maybe after that chapter I can finally give Addison and Derek some progress. I promise this is going to be Addek, and Derek is going to find out soon. I'll try my best to update really soon.

Thank you for reading, guys! :)


	13. Chapter 12

AN: Hi guys! I'm extremely grateful for the reviews, and for the mere fact that you're still reading this. I finally figured out how to get where I want to, and I think I'll be able to keep the story under 20 chapters (which is the goal). I can't believe I'm writing again- and something really depressing, too. I posted another story called Love Song because I needed some happy Addek to keep my sanity enough to finish this story. Haha. But you guys are awesome, so thank you. Thank you for still supporting this story. :)

I promise, Derek is going to find out soon, and you'll find out more about what happened to Addie. Thanks for sticking with me!

-I own nothing

* * *

The detective, Caden Smith, sighed heavily, resisting the urge to grab his pack of cigarettes and smoke the whole thing right in front of the Montgomerys. He had spoken to Addison a few days ago, and had relayed the information back to New York for processing. But the mystery wasn't getting any clearer, and Addison wasn't getting any more talkative. Sometimes, he didn't know why he even bothered to probe the issue, knowing full well he wasn't going to get anything substantial in a small amount of time.

The tension between them all was palpable. They were at a coffee shop, mainly because Addison refused to fly back to New York to finish the interrogation. She wasn't willing to give up her job, or to move back, even for a short period. The NYPD had agreed to send Caden Smith, much to his chagrin.

The detective sat beside Anthony Montgomery, and his wife and Addison sat opposite them.

"Dr. Shepherd, let me get this straight," he started. "In the seven years you spent with them, you never got a name or a good description of their physicalities?"

Addison tucked her right ankle behind her left, exhaling. It was a defensive stature, or maybe a nervous habit. She wasn't sure anymore. Her fingers drummed mercilessly on the table as she tried to rack her brain for anything.

"No names," she answered slowly. "They were white. One of them was bald. Medium built," closing her eyes in remembrance. "I've lost count of how many they were, but there was another one. I'm not sure, he may be Asian. Thick black hair. Had scruffy sneakers."

She'd never forget the scruffy sneakers. She usually kept her head down and noticed things below than the things above.

The detective nodded, scribbling down the information. "What about the other girls?"

He was trying to coax her gently, and was trying his best to be patient. But this case had baffled all of them, and they needed answers. Empathy wasn't one of his strongest suits, admittedly. But for this case's sake, he was dong his best.

Addison felt Bizzy reach for her hand from under the table, squeezing it reassuringly and encouragingly in the way she had done during their first encounter with the detective. She smiled at her tentatively, appreciating the gesture. She needed to draw strength from somewhere.

Shaking her head slightly, she replied. "I only know their first names," she informed him. "I mean, I know what some of them did for a living, but that's the extent of it. I don't know last names, or how they were taken. We just... Never talked about it," she explained.

He nodded. "Whose names do you remember?"

Addison looked to her cup of coffee and sighed. She stared at it a good ten seconds before she took a sip, allowing the hot liquid to collide with her tongue.

After a tentative silence, she sighed again and looked up. "Tracy. Dark-haired, green eyes, a sales consultant. She had a fiancé waiting for her." She paused, remembering Tracy's face. "Grace, poor eyesight. She used to have glasses but lost them somewhere when they took her. And then there was Carmen, Hispanic, pretty eyes. She didn't know much English, but I could see it in her eyes- she was afraid. And then Ashley. Blonde, looked like a cheerleader. She was in college."

She paused for a moment. "She got released after about a year."

The detective nodded, scribbling everything down at record speed, trying to get as much from Addison as possible. They weren't sure which missing cases were linked to this particular one, and they'd have to run Addison's version alongside the ones they already had on file and see which ones matched.

"Can you tell us how she was released?"

She thought about it for a while, trying to remember how it had happened. She hadn't told them how it happened with her, but they hadn't asked, and she wasn't going to volunteer it. Sometimes she thought she was being ridiculous considering these men had taken so much away from her. She should be angry, should want justice and want it served immediately. She should want them to rot behind bars with the surety of day. Never in her life could she comprehend why she wasn't more passionate about wanting to feel vindicated.

Sighing, she took another sip of her coffee, a part of her wishing she was downing cheap alcohol instead. "I'm not sure, but I think her mom was a professor at the University she was going to," she said slowly. "Or something like that," shaking her head. "Literature, I think. She taught Literature, and wrote a book about losing her daughter."

Detective Smith recalled reading an article about that. The mother had criticized New York State Police for chapters on end, relating her grief about their inefficiency and the futility of finding her daughter. It was a blow to the force's ego, but at that time, no one knew how else to proceed.

"Did they say mention how she was going to get back to her parents?"

At this, Addison shook her head. "They just came down one night, took her to the back room, taunted her or something like that. Later on they told her about the book, and that she was going home." She paused at the recollection. "They kept her in the room the entire night. By the time any of us were awake the next morning, she was gone."

Ashley was by no means the only person that was released while Addison was there. But there so many girls- to many for Addison to count. But Ashley was the first release she had witnessed, and that stuck to her.

Another silence engulfed them, Bizzy's eyes shifting nervously between her daughter and Detective Smith. Anthony flashed a reassuring smile when he sensed Bizzy's silent panic, and urged her to stay calm.

Three minutes later, Addison downed the last of her coffee and stared defiantly at the detective. "This is all I can take for now, Detective," she said wearily. "That, and I have to start going. I have an appointment with my therapist in an hour."

Caden Smith nodded. Not only did the hospital require her therapy sessions, but Addison had meekly allowed the state department to work hand in hand with her therapist in order to gain access to Addison's recollections. Addison supposed it was because Caden Smith was a very intimidating man, and it was incredibly difficult to open up to him about what happened. Her therapy sessions, thus, were being recorded, but her kind therapist had the prerogative of turning off the recording if she felt that the proceedings were too personal. Addison was a private person by nature, so she didn't appreciate anyone poking into her business. But she also realized the importance of the set-up, and how it would ultimately help her hit two birds with a single stone.

Rising up, she shook the detective's hand curtly, thanked him for his time, before she apologized to her parents about needing to leave so soon. And after that, she whisked herself away to her car, drove about five minutes before parking it in front of a McDonald's to allow herself some time alone.

Addison was struggling. The nightmares weren't getting any better, but were thankfully not any worse. Seeing a therapist was helping her deal. And although she would've wished for Derek to be the one helping her through, she couldn't deny that Derek wasn't what was best for her at the moment. He was an added complication, and she didn't need any more complications.

Her hands clutched the wheel, her knuckles white and her breathing deep. She was trying to calm herself down, closing her eyes against the headache she felt was about to come. Telling them what had happened wasn't supposed to be this hard. In fact, she was supposed to have felt empowered. In a perfect world, she should've been able to speak so freely about what had happened, and relay her version of the events without so much as a challenge. The seven years she spent in that basement made her dream of the number of ways she was going to make these men pay, but none of the ways she had thought of then seemed to sound incredibly appealing to her now. She didn't understand. She didn't, and it was just one more thing that made her think she wasn't dealing with the whole situation properly.

Sniffing at the sudden wave of tears that was clouding her vision, she put one of her hands into her mouth, biting hard before screaming out as loud as she possibly could. The sound was muffled by her one hand, the other one balling into a fist, and she tried to release as much of the frustration as her current location would allow.

And when she had screamed enough to calm to herself down to a reasonable level, she wiped her face free of the tear stains and started the engine again, resuming the drive to her therapist. Sometimes she wasn't sure what was happening to her. She wasn't sure if she was doing the right things. But everyone else around her was trying to be as supportive as humanly possible that there wasn't really much guidance.

The rest of her drive was uneventful, and she managed to keep her composure as she pulled into a parking slot, rode the elevator, and waited patiently for her turn in her therapist's office. She busied herself with observing the waiting room. The floors were dark wood, the chairs maroon and soft. The walls were lined with photos, and her secretary's counter was the same lush oak inside the actual office. The door was mahogany, and had a label that read "Dr. Angeline Brady", and reminded Addison oddly enough of the Brady Bunch.

The mahogany doors finally opened, just in time to stop her from fidgeting in her seat, revealing a woman in her early thirties, her blonde hair braided to the side, her clothes casual but presentable. She offered a warm smile to Addison.

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted, stepping aside in a gesture that meant Addison could come in.

Addison returned the smile as she stood up. "Dr. Brady."

She walked in to the office and sat herself down on one of her green chairs. She noted how the chairs were there to contrast the browns in the room, and grinned slightly as she realized this doctor had good taste.

"How've you been?" Dr. Brady asked, sitting on a chair adjacent to Addison. She fished for the recorder in her purse and turned it on. She wasn't very opposed to the recordings, but she wasn't in complete agreement to it either. She knew Addison was a high-profile case of sorts, and that the police was pressing her for information. But as a therapist, her main concern was still Addison's well-being, and she was to put that before everything.

Addison nodded, pursed her lips in thought. "I've been better," she said honestly.

When Dr. Brady didn't say anything, Addison sighed and explained. "I had a meeting with Detective Smith this morning," she said dryly, not bothering to hide the slight disdain in her voice. Although she appreciated him handling her case, she felt like the man could be a little more sympathetic.

Dr. Brady nodded. "And how did that go?"

"I told him about Tracy," Addison said slowly. "And about the other girls. But I wish I remember more," she said earnestly.

"You don't have to remember all of them at once. Sometimes the memories resurface later on, and manifest themselves in other things. You're making good progress."

Addison nodded, the reassurance not lost on her. Dr. Brady was trying to help her, and so was everyone else. And she knew she needed to help herself if she wanted to heal. She desperately wanted to feel better, to sleep better, and knew that the first step to that was acknowledging the that things happened before finally reacting to it.

Dr. Brady continued. "We came all the way up to you feeling desperate, and trapped. But your conflicting emotions made you—"

"Numb," Addison answered. "I was in that damn basement, with women being tortured, and all I could think about was how numb I was." She resented it.

"It's a defense mechanism."

"It wasn't right," Addison insisted. "They needed my help, and for the first few months, I blindly cut and sutured and treated as if I were at a hospital, running an ER. And maybe to an extent that was what I wanted. I was pretending I was at the hospital so I wouldn't have to deal with it."

Speaking with Dr. Brady was liberating. She didn't know where she found the courage to be open, but often found herself freely talking to her kind therapist about what happened. Maybe it was because her therapist wasn't pressing her into anything, or maybe it was because she was lonely enough that her brain was trying to force the words out whenever she was with Dr. Brady. Either way, she talking more openly, not withholding anything as she conversed with the kind woman.

For that, she was grateful.

"And then what happened?" Dr. Brady probed gently. "What made you change the way you feel?"

Addison sighed, shaking her head. "I only talked to the girls to ask about their wounds, and that was it. Until Tracy started talking to me. As in really talking to me—shedding her emotions, reminding me I wasn't a machine."

Tracy was the first to initiate the conversation. Addison had decided to herself she wouldn't create any sort of emotional bond with these women if she wanted to keep her sanity. But Tracy was persistent, and effectively destroyed the walls Addison had built around herself. Tracy knew that Addison was lonely, and needed a friend. And if Tracy could be that friend, she would.

"And where _is_ Tracy now?"

"She's still there. At least I think so. When they said they were going to let me go, they made sure we were unconscious when they loaded us in a van. Or at least that's how it was for me."

The raw pain in Addison's voice was evident. She had gotten to know Tracy—heard her stories about her fiancé, her job, her parents. She never got a last name, but she promised if she ever got out first, she'd tell her family she was fine. But so far, Addison was dealing with her own demons that she was unable to keep that promise, for now at least. Talking about Tracy was difficult, knowing she had left behind a friend who needed her.

"Are you ready to tell me that part, Addison? About how you found yourself at Seattle Grace?"

Addison paused, reminding herself that Dr. Brady was only trying to help her. She needed to tell her therapist everything if she wanted to be able to find some peace for herself. She willed herself to recall, knowing that recounting the events was her own discretion. Dr. Brady wasn't forcing her to say anything.

After another pause, Addison spoke. "I remember being told that my husband was in Seattle," she started slowly, her brows knitting as she recounted what happened. "I remember staring at the guy, the bald one, shaking my head because I didn't believe him. I didn't believe Derek would move 3000 miles away.

"But he said he did and threw me a medical journal. I don't remember what the journal was, but the page was dog-eared, and it was an article about one of Derek's surgeries. It mentioned him being an attending at Seattle Grace."

Dr. Brady looked at her sympathetically. "And how did you feel about him moving?"

Addison shrugged, picking off invisible dirt from under hair nails, keeping her eyes down. It was a nervous habit for her to fidget increasingly. "I didn't really feel anything. I was at the point in my stay that I knew I couldn't believe anything."

There was a pause, the tension slowly building up as Addison tried to remember what had happened after that.

"They didn't mention he was married, I don't think they knew that. I think that if they did, they'd throw it in my face. But I went to sleep that night, and I remember waking up because I was dizzy. I tried to soothe my head but I couldn't move my hands. I was in a van."

"Do you remember what the van looked like?"

She shook her head. "It was dark, and I could sense we were driving on a highway. I figured out it was an interstate the next day, when we were still driving."

"How long was the drive?" Dr. Brady probed gently, not wanting to pressure Addison.

Addison furrowed her brow in thought. "Four days? Maybe five? I can't be sure."

Dr. Brady nodded, smiling. "That's good, Addison."

"They gave me food and water, but I was never really able to see their faces. They'd untie me in my sleep, I'd wake up with the food, I'd eat it then fall asleep again. I didn't even bother to find out how many they were, or where they were taking me, or what they were planning on doing. I was numb again.

"I assume that we were already around the Seattle area when they tossed me a shirt and baggy jeans, told me to change into them. I did what they told me, and maybe twenty minutes later, they dropped me off the parking lot. They didn't really say anything, just that my husband was there and that they enjoyed my company. I was in a daze when they drove away."

"Do you remember what the van looked like?"

She bit her lip. "It was white. That's all I remember."

There was another pause before Addison continued. "I must have looked like a mess. I didn't know where I was. I was horribly disoriented, but somehow I managed to ask the information desk where Derek Shepherd was. You know…," she paused, thinking about what she was going to say next. "They let me go a day after my wedding anniversary," she said dryly, shaking her head but not really realizing why she had told her therapist that. It was insignificant. She laughed slightly, it was cynical, and humorless, because everything in her life was an irony nowadays.

"Maybe they planned it," Dr. Brady suggested.

Addison shrugged non-committally. "Maybe."

When their therapy hour had ended, Addison left the office and went straight to the hospital, needing to distract herself. Whenever she started thinking about it, she'd end up overdoing it, and then it would bother her until the end of the day. So she needed a distraction, and pushed herself to work every time.

Addison arrived at the hospital, went to the locker room to fix herself up, and then changed into a pair of scrubs. She was going to work, and she was going to work her best.

That's how it was for the rest of that week. Addison tried to relay as much information as she can to either her therapist or the unsympathetic Detective Smith in the mornings, and then work overtime until she literally fell out of exhaustion from the afternoon to late evening. She so far was doing a great job pushing aside her personal life whenever she worked, surgery included.

Well, at least for the majority of her surgery time. There have been occasions that she'd be frozen on the spot for a good five seconds, remembering something that happened before, but she'd quickly recover. But, even then, she could tell she couldn't keep the façade up for too long. If before, her frozen moments lasted only five seconds, she could feel it was starting to be seven seconds, maybe ten, and she was sure people have started to notice. Maybe it was a bad idea for her to be doing surgery, and it was her responsibility as a doctor to be severely concentrated on the life-saving. Because if she, for one second, faltered far beyond her control, she could not only be in the middle of a lawsuit, but an even bigger emotional distress of sorts.

But at least for now, for the rest of that week, she managed. And that was enough for her.

She missed Derek. She missed him and she needed him, but she wasn't going to beg. She was starting to get her principles back in order, and it was beyond her to go back on her word, come crawling back to him, and ask him to take her back. No, she was stronger than that.

But the fact remained—she missed him. And it wasn't even the kind of missing she felt when she was stuck in some basement. When she was there, she sort of knew the situation was out of her control, so her missing was justified. But now, she most definitely was in control of some parts of the situation, and that didn't justify the way she felt about Derek. She could easily remedy it by asking him to come back, telling him what she said was a mistake, but she couldn't do it. She was sure he missed her too, and that he was in rock bottom. She had heard in the hospital grapevine that he hadn't moved back to Meredith's house and that they were arguing constantly. But she shrugged off the rumors. Because even if they were true, she shouldn't have to care.

But she did. She cared a lot, in fact. It concerned her, albeit indirectly, and she often found herself straining her ear to catch a bit of the gossip going around. Most of them, she realized, were true. Addison had passed Derek in the hall a couple of times, and she noticed how Derek seemed to not be getting any sleep. In fact, she even witnessed Derek and Meredith fighting in the hallway once or twice. They were in the same page, and yet, not so, and that made Addison roll her eyes more than she'd care to admit.

She was supposed to be starting over, supposed to be moving forward, supposed to be healing. And she tried her hardest to get her bearings back and be Addison again. But with all the technicalities she had to go through—first with the police, and then the legal concerns about her marriage to Derek, it was getting increasingly harder to keep her resolve.

But Addison was nothing if not determined. And she'd rather be caught dead than weak. So she went on with her week with as much confidence as she could muster, praying earnestly for the strength to get her through everyday until time could heal her enough—enough to not make it such an effort just to get out of bed.

So she found herself, a week hence, consulting with a patient with Miranda Bailey. She'd taken quite a liking to her, and Miranda, even if she wasn't very verbal about it, reciprocated the admiration. They got along well, and Addison was thankful to finally have a friend in Seattle.

"We'll need to keep an eye on Mrs. Patterson. Our main concern right now is to prevent any vaginal bleeding," Addison explained as she walked side by side with Miranda.

Miranda nodded, holding the chart and keeping pace with Addison. "I'll have an intern assigned to the case."

Addison nodded appreciatively. "There's an increased risk of hemorrhage, given her age, so it's vital that someone check in on her once in a while."

"We're keeping her confined until the due date, so there's always going to be someone to check."

"Is there a husband listed in that chart?" Addison asked, gesturing to the chart Miranda was holding.

Miranda shook her head. "No husband. It kind of makes you wonder. She's over forty, having her first baby, and she's all alone."

Addison raised a brow inquisitively. "No family members?"

Miranda shook her head again. "No one since she was admitted two days ago," she explained.

"Hmmm," Addison thought. "Well, it looks like we're gonna take that responsibility up a notch, Miranda."

Dr. Bailey chuckled. "I think so too."

They reached the Nurses' Station, where Miranda deposited the chart, not really making small talk with the gossipy nurses. She turned towards Addison, who was busy inserting her pen into her breast pocket.

"Do you need anything else, Addison?"

Addison shook her head, smiling. "No, you can go. I was just on my way to grab some awful coffee from the cafeteria anyway."

Miranda nodded, checked her watch, and looked at Addison. "I have time for coffee."

Addison laughed, the sound an indication of how at ease she was. "Then let's go."

They walked to the elevator, engaging in friendly chat about how rampant the hospital grapevine was. Miranda wasn't one to engage in such drunken ravings, but being with Addison almost came naturally that she found herself gossiping in spite of herself. They hopped on to the elevator, which was only half-full.

"The chief is having a field day trying to swat away all this gossip," Addison commented dryly, eyeing the interns in front of them who were whispering to each other.

"Tell me about it. He can start with _my_ interns, because they seem to be the source of all this gossip."

"Oh?"

Miranda shrugged. "Be it past or present, it's always one of my interns."

Addison chuckled. "Makes for your entertainment, then."

"No. Makes for my headache's more like it."

They stepped off the elevator and started walking to the cafeteria.

"They couldn't be that bad."

Miranda looked at Addison pointedly. "Trust me. They are. I've had the pleasure of getting an intern cut an LVAD wire, and intern sleep with her attending, and an intern marry someone who's already married."

The redhead turned to Miranda and furrowed her brow. Miranda's gaze was still pointed, and she sighed.

"Meredith Grey was your intern?" Addison asked curiously.

She nodded. "Had drunken sex with your husband, I believe. They met at Joe's Bar across the street."

Addison shuddered. "How very romantic," she commented sarcastically.

"They used to have a name for him."

"For who?"

"Your husband," Miranda explained, lining up at the cafeteria. "McDreamy."

"Mc—what?"

"McDreamy," Miranda repeated, smirking at Addison's expression.

Addison scowled, eyeing Miranda disbelievingly. "You've got to be kidding me."

She shook her head, ordering a cup of coffee for herself and Addison before replying. "Nope. The nickname went around like a wildfire."

Addison had to chuckle. "Well, I hope that embarrassed him. Severely, may I add."

Miranda handed Addison the cup of coffee, and she took it gratefully. "Yeah, well. It's a good thing nobody calls him that anymore. Because he's been more of a McDoucheBag than McDreamy lately."

When Addison didn't reply, instead merely taking a sip of her coffee quietly, Miranda continued.

"He shuffled two women. Now that one's out of the picture, he walks around the place a zombie. He hasn't been getting any sleep. The only time you actually see any sort of emotion from him is when he's arguing with Meredith Grey in the hall—and that in itself is getting pretty often. They do nothing but argue."

"Do I want to know what they're arguing about?" Addison asked, inwardly cringing.

Miranda shrugged, waving her hand. "Something about him not sleeping at home, and being hung over you. Look, Addison, I'm really not one to tell you these things because I don't normally engage in hospital gossip. That, and you're my friend, and I don't want you knowing all of this if it's going to make you hurt."

Addison was silent, and looked at her feet as they kept walking.

"But having said that," Miranda continued, "I see the way you're acting. I don't know you very well, not yet anyway, but it's easy enough to deduce that you miss him and you're miserable without him."

"Maybe."

Miranda raised a brow disbelievingly. "Maybe? Girl, look at you. You look pathetic. You may take care to put up a façade for other people, but I can see right through it and you're not okay."

"Miranda…"

"I'm the Nazi," she said firmly. "I know _everything_. Don't bother denying it."

Addison sighed. "It's not like I'm going to mope, Miranda."

"As is your right," Miranda nodded. "Don't mope. But don't deny it either. Acceptance is key," she reminded, taking a sip of her coffee.

But before Addison could come up with a witty retort, both their pagers sounded, indicating an emergency. Addison bent down to peep at her pager, and then met Miranda's gaze. Miranda nodded before they both threw the coffee away and hastily ran to the ER.

If it weren't for the fact that the conversation with Miranda sobered her up, Addison would've fallen on her feet with the running. This was her first emergency after going to back to work, and the adrenaline was kicking in. She smiled to herself, knowing that _this_ is what surgery and medicine and Dr. Addison Shepherd was about.

They reached the ER in exactly 45 seconds, and were predisposed to put on the emergency gown in order to accommodate the incoming emergency.

"What have we got?" Miranda barked as she slipped on her gloves.

"Car crash in downtown Seattle. The couple was fighting. Both of them aren't severely injured, but the female is pregnant."

Miranda nodded, and thanked the man who filled them in. They stood, waiting for the ambulance, hearing the sirens from the distance getting closer and closer.

She spared a glance at Addison and noticed how she seemed to concentrate on the sound of the wails.

"You okay?" Miranda asked.

Addison turned her head to Miranda and nodded. "Yeap. Just haven't been in one of these in a while."

"One of what?"

"An emergency," she answered, before she turned her attention back to the sound of the sirens growing louder as it rounded the corner.

Immediately, Addison, Miranda, and two interns rushed to the ambulance as it opened from behind.

"Female, 32 years old, eight weeks pregnant, victim of a car accident," the paramedic rattled off as they struggled to alight the stretcher from the ambulance. "Possible fractured pelvis and broken leg."

"How are her stats?" Miranda asked as she eyed the paramedics still pulling the stretcher down.

"BP 100/80. She's pretty stable, and conscious," the paramedic answered as the stretcher was finally lowered to the ground.

Miranda glanced down to the victim's face, and her mouth fell agape. But before she could react, Addison's audible gasp registered in her brain, and she looked up to see Addison staring eye-to-eye with a bruised man, the bruised man being none other than Derek Shepherd.

Shaking her head, Miranda pulled herself together and started barking orders, telling the interns to get the X-Ray ready, and to get the chief paged.

"Meredith, can you hear me?" Miranda asked, her voice loud as she pushed the gurney into the hospital.

Meredith nodded, unable to speak. Her neck was in a brace, and there were scratches all over her face.

But Addison. Addison was almost frozen in place, her gaze locked on Derek's as he got down from the ambulance. Derek rushed to her and enveloped her in a hug. Addison was still shocked.

"Derek.."

Derek pulled away, his face worried and his eyes starting to show with tears. "Addison, please," he begged. "I don't know what happened. We were fighting and I lost control over the wheel and I just…." He shook his head, fighting the tears that were already threatening to fall. "Addie, she's pregnant. You have to help her. You have to save her."

* * *

Okay. So Derek wants Addison to save the baby. And Meredith. I _told_ you he's gonna find out soon. Haha. Thanks for reading guys! Stay awesome!


	14. Chapter 13

AN: Hey guys! Thanks for reading and reviewing the last chapter. I'm so happy people are still reading this thing. Haha. I've already written a couple of chapters ahead, and I've already outlined the rest of the story, at least in my head. I promise it's about to end. Haha. But not here, not yet. It won't be obvious in this chapter. Haha.

At any rate, thanks for the support! I wish to update by the end of this week, or maybe next. I'm not sure because I have a couple of exams lined up. But I promise not to make you wait too long (not that you have to because the next one's already been drafted). :)

- I own nothing.

* * *

Addison shook her head, pulling herself together and flashing Derek a sympathetic look. She willed herself to act like a doctor, straightened herself out, and nodded.

"Don't worry, Derek. We'll take care of her," she reassured before she disappeared inside the hospital to help Meredith. She couldn't let the shock of seeing Derek cloud her judgment and her ability to think like a doctor.

An intern came up to Derek to assist him and check him out, and he reluctantly agreed to be separated from his wife for a while. But the whole time, guilt was eating him up. If anything happened to Meredith, and if anything happened to the baby, it was his fault. It was his fault. He wasn't thinking like a doctor now. He was thinking like a family member—disoriented and confused. But if he was thinking logically at that moment, he would've registered that Meredith was fully conscious, that she wasn't bleeding anywhere, and that the only thing that was painful was her hip.

But he wasn't thinking reasonably, instead allowing the worry to overcome him as the intern stitched the scar on his forehead.

"Can you hurry it up?" he asked the intern, already fidgeting in his seat as the intern was finishing up. "Please, I need to go see my wife." The irritation was evident in his tone.

"Dr. Bailey and Dr. Montgomery are with her, Dr. Shepherd," the intern said. "She's in good hands."

If the intern wasn't working on his forehead, he would've shook his head resolutely. But because the intern was busy making sure the stitches were perfect, he put on an annoyed look instead.

"Dr… Montes," he said, looking at the intern's nameplate, "my _wife_ is injured. My _pregnant wife_ is injured," he said emphatically. "The least you could do is hurry up the damn sutures so I can be there for my wife."

The intern flashed him an annoyed look. "There's more than just the sutures to do, Dr. Shepherd," she said sharply, incredibly irritated by his stubbornness. "You need to get a CT scan. The chief asked for it."

Derek rolled his eyes before he sighed, knowing that if the chief ordered it, he would have no choice. He would have to comply. And the more obedient he was, the faster he could be there for Meredith.

Meanwhile, Miranda was paging Callie Torres to come check Meredith out. Addison wanted to check the baby's stats first, knowing Derek would need the update as soon as possible, but Miranda argued that that wasn't the most immediate concern right now.

Instead of an X-Ray as initially ordered, Miranda ordered a CT to make sure she wasn't bleeding internally. Meredith was already in the CT Scan room, and Miranda and Addison patiently waited for the scan to finish and for Callie to arrive.

When Callie finally came, she smiled slightly at Addison and Miranda who were discussing possible treatment options. The chief was nowhere in sight, and they haven't been predisposed to worry until the scans were back. But they didn't feel like talking about the accident, not yet anyway, so they settled for neutral ground.

Addison was shaken, but she wasn't making a show of it because she had to be a doctor right now. Seeing Derek come out of that ambulance made her heart beat wildly and her stomach drop as the possibility of losing Derek hit her full force. Derek was vulnerable, and he wasn't going to live forever, and confronted with that realization, Addison was thrown off guard. No matter how much she disliked Derek right now, she loved him, and she worried incessantly about him. But now, seeing him so close to a disaster, rubbing shoulders with the difference between life and death, it made her feel like she wasn't invincible anymore.

But she had to concentrate on the task at hand. Derek's wife was more seriously injured than he was. She was grateful that Derek wasn't in a more critical condition, but she didn't take pleasure in the fact that he was probably worrying increasingly by the minute as he waited for news on his wife. Addison knew Derek loved Meredith, and that it would devastate him if anything happened to her and the baby. So Addison took it upon herself to make sure Meredith and the baby were going to pull through. Even if it hurt her. Even if it pained her. Even if it meant Derek realizing that losing Meredith isn't something he could live with.

"What's the emergency?" Callie asked as she stepped up to Addison and Miranda.

"Meredith and Derek were in a car accident. Derek is getting stitched up. Meredith's in there," Miranda said, gesturing to the scanning room. "Paramedic said she might have a fractured pelvis and a broken bone, but we're still confirming that."

Callie nodded. "I take it that other than that, she's okay? I mean, no blood, nothing more serious?"

"We're hoping," Miranda answered.

"But she's pregnant," Addison said, looking directly at Callie. "I haven't had a chance to check how the baby is. I'm hoping the fetus isn't in distress or else I might not be able to save it."

There was slight tension in the air as Callie and Miranda looked at Addison. She seemed to be struggling with herself; struggling with the thought of saving her husband's child with another woman. But both Miranda and Callie seemed to understand that to Addison, as long as Derek was happy, she would gladly make some sacrifices.

The door burst open, and the technician signaled for the three doctors to enter the control room and check the scanning.

Callie leaned over and studied the scan, once in a while glancing at Meredith who was in the other side of the glass.

"Definitely a broken bone," Callie said. "The fractured pelvis should heal quickly, but I doubt that'll be comfortable because she's pregnant," she commented dryly.

Miranda nodded, letter her eyes glance the scan to make sure she didn't miss anything. Nothing was bleeding, nothing else looked broken. This meant that the immediate concern now shifted to the baby.

"Coast looks clear," Miranda announced as she straightened up. "I'll have her wheeled to an exam room so you can check the baby."

Addison nodded. "Is she conscious?"

Miranda shook her head as they stepped out of the control room. "We put in a shot of sedative before wheeling her in for the scan. You can go ahead to the exam room. I'll bring her up."

Making her way to the exam room, Addison walked in a steady pace with Callie by her side. Callie picked up a chart and started writing down her prognosis, shifting nervous glances at Addison.

"You okay?" she asked, looking up from her chart.

Addison turned her head to Callie and nodded meekly. "I'll be okay."

Callie dropped the chart to her side and looked at her worriedly. "Okay. Because you know, there are other attendings that can take the case. You don't have to torture yourself."

She shook her head, smiling appreciatively at Callie. "No, I'm okay. Really. I'm a capable doctor and I don't need my personal life interfering with work. Besides, I know Derek will want me in on this, in case there's something wrong with the baby."

"That makes him an asshole," Callie said bluntly.

Addison shrugged. "Yeah, well. And that makes me a masochist so I'd say we're even."

They reached the exam room, and Meredith was wheeled in. While they were settling her, Addison turned to get the ultrasound ready. She was taking deep, steady breaths to calm herself down. She kept reminding herself of why she was doing this. Derek needed her, and she was willing to put aside her own emotions in order to help him in his time of need.

She knew she was the best. She knew she was the only one Derek trusted to take care of Meredith. And if that came at the expense of her own sanity, then so be it. She could overlook it if only to make Derek hurt less.

"Dr. Montgomery, we're ready for you," the intern said, pulling Addison out of her thoughts.

With one last calming breath, Addison nodded and plastered on a smile. She turned around, pulled the machine closer to the bed and then lifted the hospital gown from Meredith's navel.

The girl was skinny. Really skinny. She seemed like a twig to Addison. But if Addison were to be an immature observer now, she wouldn't be able to look past Meredith being Meredith. So she concentrated on putting the gel, and then turned the machine on.

Addison ignored the nervous glances being thrown her way as the occupants of the room shifted eyes back forth. She took the wand, fighting to keep her hand steady, and placed it over Meredith, letting it touch her skin.

She shifted the wand cautiously as she watched the machine's monitor, looking for any sign of life. Everyone in room had their breaths bated.

Furrowing her brow, Addison could feel her heart beginning to beat rapidly. She could hear it drumming in her ears, thunderous and loud as she struggled to find the baby. She moved the wand desperately, thoroughly, trying to find a sign of life when she realized there was none.

Addison checked the machine to make sure it was working, pulling the wand from Meredith's navel and seeing if there was any malfunction. She examined the machine, the electric lines, and concluded it was working normally. Everyone simply watched her move.

Next, Addison checked underneath the thin sheet covering Meredith's legs to make sure she didn't miss any bleeding. But there wasn't any bleeding, and besides, Addison knew she would've noticed if there was.

So she took another deep breath, put some more of that gel on Meredith's navel, and then replaced the wand. She hadn't comprehended what was happening yet, didn't comprehend why she wasn't seeing anything, hearing anything.

Nobody else was watching the monitor. They were only waiting for the sound of a quiet but strong heartbeat to echo in the painfully silent exam room.

Addison let the wand travel thoroughly on Meredith's navel, panic and dread and fear starting to bubble in her gut. _What was wrong_? She was starting to panic inwardly, but she hadn't made a show of it yet. Everyone just waited expectantly.

When after another tense moment and nobody had made a sound, Addison looked up, suddenly realizing why she couldn't find anything. The machine was working properly. Meredith wasn't bleeding. And she could bet a million dollars that if she ordered her blood work, it would still confirm what she was painfully denying.

"There isn't a heartbeat," the intern whispered cautiously, earning a glare from Miranda.

Miranda was confused too. Was the baby dead?

"The baby doesn't have a heartbeat," the intern said again, the worry etched in her voice. She knew who Meredith was, and knew who she was in relation to Derek and Addison.

And then Addison turned deathly pale as she met Miranda's and Callie's expectant gaze.

"That's because there _is_ no baby," Addison whispered, the implication of that simple fact hitting her full force.

There was shocked silence that filled the room, all of them too surprised to speak. But Miranda, always the level-headed doctor, stood up straighter and looked directly at Addison.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

Addison frowned. "Are you questioning my ability to read a simple ultrasound?"

Miranda closed her eyes and sighed. "No, I am not. But check again, Addison. I'll wheel in another machine," she said, hastily going out of the room to acquire another machine.

When she had left, Callie looked nervously at Addison, stuffing her hands into her lab coat's pockets.

"What do you mean there's no baby?"

Addison sighed. "You didn't hear a heartbeat. I didn't see anything in the ultrasound. We can take her blood, check for elevated levels of hormones, but this is…" She paused. "She's supposed to be eight weeks along. You don't miss an eight week old fetus in a sonogram."

Before Callie could reply, Miranda came in, lugging another ultrasound machine and practically shoving the wand into Addison's hand.

"Try again," she instructed as she positioned herself opposite Addison.

She was in denial, also trying to make sense of it, so Addison just sighed and did what she was told. Her hand was shaking, and her palms were starting to sweat. She couldn't comprehend what was happening. Here was Meredith, Derek's wife, who had declared she was pregnant. The said baby was the reason Addison wasn't pursuing Derek anymore, and now, what? The baby was non-existent? If so, then Meredith was insane. But she could give Meredith the benefit of the doubt now. She would check again.

Again putting more of the gel on a still Meredith, Addison gave Miranda a pointed look, and then set the wand on Meredith.

"This isn't personal, Addison," Miranda explained, her voice clipped. "But you know as well as I do what this implies."

Addison nodded mutely, concentrating on finding a heartbeat or an image—any of the two. But once again it was futile. Only this time, Miranda was looking at the monitor, too, and realized slowly that Addison was right.

Miranda didn't know Addison as vindictive, and in fact knew her as an expert in her field. She didn't ask Addison to redo the exam because she doubted her judgment or her ability. She didn't ask Addison to redo the exam because she thought Addison was being spiteful. She asked her to redo it because she was in denial herself, and she needed to get the prognosis straight if she wanted to keep her dignity as a doctor. But Addison was right—there was no baby, at least not as detectable in the sonogram.

Addison pulled the wand tentatively and turned her attention to Miranda. Miranda was in charge of this case, she was merely assisting, so Miranda would have the next say. Miranda would have to dictate what to do next.

But Miranda couldn't believe it. She knew the gossip. She was Addison's friend, and she knew how Addison felt. If it was heartbreaking for her, what more for Addison? But Addison seemed to be in a daze, like she hadn't processed the situation well enough to digest it in its entirety. So she nodded resolutely and eyed the intern.

"You. Set-up a veni-puncture and get me the lab results immediately."

The intern nodded and scurried to get the necessary materials to draw blood from Meredith's arm. Her superiors watched her carefully before she was finally able to get the blood to the lab, leaving them with Meredith.

Addison sighed, taking a seat in the chair beside the bed and buried her face in her hands. What was happening? What was she going to tell Derek? Derek would be beyond devastated. That said, she wasn't even sure it was her place to tell him. Would they wait for Meredith to wake up, confront her and let her tell Derek? But as Meredith's doctor, she was predisposed to be the one to tell Derek, the husband, about his wife. She couldn't make the case personal, even if it painfully was. And even if it wasn't her story to tell, the professional thing to do was to inform the patient's family about the patient's condition.

She could try avoiding the topic all together, and just tell Derek that Meredith had a fractured pelvis. But Derek would ask her incessantly about the baby, and she wasn't sure she had the heart to break the news to him.

But more importantly, the bigger issue for her was this—did Derek throw his marriage with Addison away for _nothing_? If so, what happens next? What happens to Addison and Derek? What did this whole thing mean for their future? She didn't know. All she knew was that she was starting to resent Meredith for playing with Derek's feelings. And not just Derek's feelings, but hers as well.

She knew the news shouldn't have affected her, at least not as much as she was now. She had been resigned to moving on with her life, _without_ Derek. She wasn't supposed to care that he was having problems with his new wife. But she did, and that didn't sit well with her. She couldn't deny that she loved Derek, but she wasn't supposed to _care_.

Callie walked cautiously over to where Addison was trying to calm herself down. There weren't any tears, not yet. But Addison was shaking her head a lot, and it was a sign that she was panicking.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" she asked tentatively.

Addison sighed, lowering her hands and wiping her eyes. "Yes, Dr. Torres?"

"Why don't we step out for a while? Dr. Bailey can get Meredith settled in so I can put a cast on her leg," she offered, concern written all over her face.

Addison looked up and met Callie's hesitant gaze. "I'm fine," she said tightly. "I can step out myself."

Callie pursed her lips in doubt. "I really think you need a friend right now," she said dryly, hoping she wasn't stepping too far. She held her hand out and offered it to Addison.

Addison looked at the hand doubtfully for a moment before she sighed again and took it gratefully.

"Thank you," she said softly.

Callie nodded before looking at Miranda. "You'll page me, Dr. Bailey?"

Miranda nodded. "Take her to the locker room for a while," she said, her voice quiet. "I'll get Meredith ready for you."

Addison flashed Miranda an appreciative look before she collected herself and walked out of the exam room.

They hadn't gotten to the hardest part yet. The hardest part, the biggest hurdle, was breaking the news to Derek. They unspokenly decided that they would release no updates until Meredith's leg was taken cared of, and the blood work was back, just in case.

Addison stepped into the locker room first, followed by Callie. Callie shut the door and locked it, making sure they were all alone.

"Thank you for this, Dr. Torres. You didn't have to," Addison sniffed, sitting on the bench. She was flustered, maybe even embarrassed, to _need_ a moment to herself.

Callie flashed her a look. "My friends call me Callie," she started.

She turned her head speechless at first before she smiled. "Addison," she said, grateful for another friend. She wouldn't admit it, but Callie's presence was an effective buffer.

Callie returned the smile and proceeded to sit next to Addison. "Do you want to talk about it?"

This earned her another heavy sigh from Addison. It was easy to deduce that Addison was trying her hardest to think clearly, be headstrong. But it seemed even to Callie that Addison was carrying too heavy a load. She had so much on her plate. Her disappearing, Derek being married, leaving Derek, and now, the non-existent baby that inflicted so much unnecessary pain on all of them.

How Callie knew this, she didn't care to share. She had only known of Addison through the hospital grapevine. But now that she was presented with an opportunity to be friends with her, Callie was grateful. She admired the woman's strength to still be standing in spite of the really unpleasant curve balls life had thrown at her so far.

"I don't know," Addison said frankly. "I don't know what to make of it."

Callie nodded. "Do you need to chop it all down? The information, I mean."

Slowly, Addison nodded. "I suppose I have to. But it's just… I don't feel like I have any right to feel anything. It's not justified. This isn't my baby, and this isn't my life."

Callie raised a brow at Addison. "It isn't your life? Of course it's your life. This affects you too."

Sighing, Addison replied. "I don't know. But I feel like at the very least, I'm not supposed to be this affected."

Callie laid a supportive hand on Addison's lap, looking at her meaningfully. "This affects you too," she repeated firmly.

"Meredith lied to Derek," she said slowly. "She lied about having a baby. Why did she have to lie about having a baby? Didn't she know how much Derek loves kids, and how devastated he'd be when he finds out?"

Addison was frustrated. Frustrated and disappointed and angry and confused and sad and upset and furious. They were all negative emotions, and all of them piling up on her made her feel like she was carrying an extremely heavy load. And the load would only get heavier as she realized she would have to tell Derek.

But she tried to rid herself of the emotions. This wasn't supposed to be her burden. This was supposed to be Derek's. She wasn't supposed to care.

"Who knows what her intentions are," Callie said, shrugging. "Maybe it was to keep Derek. Maybe it was to keep their marriage intact. The intention is there. It's noble. But the means is just… really skewed."

Addison turned her head to look at Callie, pursing her lips. "She was desperate."

"She was," Callie answered, nodding.

"I'm angry," she blurted out.

Callie chuckled at Addison's emotionless face. "Yeah, I kind of got that vibe right there," she said jokingly.

Addison glared at her. "This is going to hurt Derek and nobody is going to be there to pick up the pieces."

Callie looked at her suggestively. "You are," she said. "You're going to help him pick up the pieces. Because you're a good person, and you love him."

"I'm going to be his rebound girl," she said tightly, scowling. "And I am better than that. If he goes back to me—"

"He certainly will."

Addison glared again. "If he goes back to me, that's only going to prove some more how indecisive he really is," she said bitterly.

Callie rolled her eyes. "And you have so much more issues about this one issue than anything else," she said honestly. "Look, take it a step at a time. For all we know, we all could be proven wrong when the blood work comes back and she really is pregnant."

Addison sighed heavily, looking at the ceiling to keep herself from crying. "I suppose you're right. I'm not allowed to be sad over this. This isn't my concern anymore."

She shot Addison a look of sympathy before nodding. There was silence between them for another moment before someone banged on the locker room door, startling both of them out of their thoughts.

"I'll check it," Callie muttered, standing up from the bench to open the door.

It was Miranda, and she held up Meredith's lab work in her hand, her face serious. She walked and stood directly in front of Addison.

"Here," she said, handing the paper to Addison a bit gruffly.

Addison raised a brow. "What, you didn't interpret it yourself?"

Miranda kept her face stoic, her lips pursed, leaving Addison to sigh and look at the paper herself.

Addison was only interested in knowing the amount of one blood component—Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. She scanned the piece of paper, looked at her HCG levels, and sighed.

"What?" Callie asked from behind Miranda.

"Her HCG level's 66 ng/ml," Addison said softly, closing her eyes in anticipation of a headache. She rubbed her temples slowly, pressing her fingers to get rid of the physical pain.

Callie looked from Miranda to Addison. "Okay, I knew I had OB rounds when I was an intern, and I should know these things. But I'm an ortho and I've completely forgotten what the normal HCG level is."

Miranda sighed. "Meredith was supposed to be eight weeks pregnant. The normal HCG level for an 8-week expectant mother is 7650 to 229,000."

"A far cry from 66," Addison said, completing Miranda's statement matter-of-factly as she stared at the piece of paper.

Callie's brows shot up, and she pursed her lips in thought. "Oh," she said, frowning. "Tough luck."

Both Miranda and Addison flashed her a look before Addison sighed. This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

"There's no way I can break this news to Derek," she said flatly.

"You're the OB GYN here," Miranda said, looking sharply at Addison. "I am not going to be a part of the soap opera drama you guys are living, even it's just to give him the results."

"You're her attending physician," Addison countered, standing up from the bench. "And you can deliver this thing without getting your emotions involved. I can't… I can't do this," throwing her hands up in exasperation.

"Well, you don't have a choice. Congratulations, Montgomery, you have just been appointed the bearer of good news," Miranda said, not allowing Addison the chance to rebut. She turned to Callie. "Dr. Torres, Grey is ready for you. She's still under, but you can get her leg fixed while I make sure this doctor right here," she said, gesturing to Addison, "delivers to news to her patient's family."

Callie looked at Addison, smiled at her sympathetically, before going out of the locker room to tend to Meredith.

"I can't do this Miranda," Addison said quietly. "I know I'm a doctor. I know I said I was going to be professional about this. But I can't help making this personal. This is going to crush him."

Miranda sighed, putting a supportive hand on Addison's shoulder. "Addison, I admire you for being able to set your emotions aside when you're at work. This isn't just another case, but you are her attending, and you have to tell Derek. You said it yourself, Derek is going to be crushed. He'll need to hear it from someone who's compassionate and will support him."

"Why can't we let Meredith tell him?"

"Because you know as well as I do that the minute he sees you, the first thing he's going to ask is the baby. And you cannot deflect that question. Meredith's isn't going to have the chance to tell him because he's going to pester you until you break."

When Addison didn't mutter a response, Miranda softened.

"I'll be there with you," Miranda said. "And Callie, too, if that'll make you feel better. But the fact of the matter is this: you're the only one who can tell him."

Knowing that there was no point in arguing, Addison nodded reluctantly and sighed. She would have to tell Derek. It was her obligation. But she didn't know if she was ready for the pain, the denial and the anger that was sure to erupt once the news was out. She didn't need the drama.

But besides that, knowing Meredith wasn't pregnant put her in a strange position. She didn't know how this news was going to affect the ball game. She was incredibly angry that there was unnecessary pain being thrown in all directions, knowing full well that had Meredith not lied, she probably would've been in a better place with Derek. She was confused because she didn't know if Derek was going to go back to her, or if she even wanted Derek to come back. She loved him, and she was emotionally unstable enough to actually come crawling back to him. But she was fighting it, mostly because she knew that Derek still chose Meredith. Whether there was a baby in the picture or not, whether Meredith lied to him or not, Derek still, by default, chose Meredith, and that still stung.

Xx

An hour and a half since Derek and Meredith arrived at the hospital, Derek found himself waiting anxiously outside the exam room Meredith was in. The Chief was sitting beside him, forcing him to wait patiently, but he couldn't quite keep himself from fidgeting.

He was worried sick. All through the CT scan, and the sutures, and the physical check-up, all Derek could think about was how it was his fault Meredith was in that exam room in the first place. If he didn't get so worked up, if he didn't pick a fight, if he just stayed calm and talked with her reasonably, they wouldn't even be here.

Derek's nose was red with the effort it took not to cry. But inside he was panicking, and he wanted to scream. He wanted someone to tell him what was happening, to pluck him out of his misery lest he might go insane. But the Chief was adamant about him keeping his wits together, and threatened to sedate him if he didn't fix himself up. So he calmed down reasonably. That however, didn't really change the way he felt inside.

He needed an absolution. And that absolution would only come from Addison, after she tells him that both Meredith and the baby are fine. They could be dying now and he still wouldn't know because no one had told him anything. There weren't any updates. He clasped his hand on his mouth, trying to keep from sobbing, and let his feet lock in place or else he'll find the urge to start pacing.

When the door finally opened to reveal Callie, Miranda and Addison, it took all of him not to run up to them and bombard them with questions. There was subtle relief that almost floored him upon seeing them, not really registering the pensive look all of them sported.

He stood up, and the chief followed suit, both of them looking at the doctors expectantly.

"How is she? Is she okay? How's the baby?" he asked in one breath, his eyes darting between the three doctors before landing square on Addison.

Addison opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again, sighing. "Derek, why don't you sit down," she said, gesturing to the seats.

He looked at her worriedly. "Addie, please," he pleaded silently.

But Addison shook her head firmly. "Sit," she instructed.

She turned to face Callie, giving her the cue to start.

"Okay," Callie said, looking directly at Derek. "Um, I'm Dr. Callie Torres. Resident Orthopedic surgeon. I attended to your wife's case," she introduced.

Derek nodded mutely, trying to focus on what Callie was saying.

"We ran a CT, and she has a fractured pelvis and a broken leg. We've already put a cast on the leg, but we left the hip for now. She's still sedated, so she's unlikely to move, but if it bothers her, we'll put a brace on it. She'll need to keep it still for a couple of days, and she can expect it to be sore. But it's nothing some pain killers, an ice pack, and bed rest won't fix in a few days."

Derek nodded absently, releasing the breath he had been holding.

"So she's okay? She'll be okay?"

Callie unconsciously slipped her hands into her lab coat pockets and nodded, shifting her weight from one foot to another. "As far as her bones are concerned, she'll be fine," she answered, smiling tentatively.

"Thank God."

"You don't have to worry, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek flashed her a tired smile, and then turned to Addison. "What about the baby?"

Before Addison could answer, Miranda stepped in and met Derek's confused gaze. Miranda wanted Addison to come last, which meant she'd have to present ahead of Addison.

"We only dosed her with a mild sedative, but we'll have to increase the dose in about an hour to keep her under for another 24 hours. We'd like her to be completely still to get her pelvis to heal. There's a saline drip in there, and a catheter, which is pretty standard, and we'd like to keep her here for at least a night for observations."

She paused, not allowing Derek to interrupt her by putting a hand up to silence him.

"We ran a CT, and everything looks clear. We haven't encountered any bleeders, and we're hopeful that we didn't miss any. No head traumas, no abdominal bleeding… nothing. But we can push in some morphine when she wakes up and can't stand the pain."

Derek sighed and nodded. Meredith was okay. But he wasn't stupid. They were putting off any questions about the baby, and that made him dread the way this conversation was going. They so far hadn't mentioned anything wrong with Meredith, and he was holding on to that last ray of hope. Maybe they were trying to save the best piece of news for last, but he knew even then that it was highly unlikely.

Shifting nervously in place, he looked up to meet Addison's pensive gaze. He looked meek, and defeated, and it broke Addison's heart.

"The baby, Addie?" he asked in a small voice, his eyes pleading with her to pluck him out of the sorrow.

Addison looked away, the intensity and the sadness of the gaze rendering her almost unable to keep her resolve.

Sighing, she smiled a bit at Miranda and Callie, nodding. "I think I've got this," she whispered.

Miranda nodded and then looked at the chief squarely. "You heard her. It means she wants some privacy," Miranda said irritably.

Richard's eyes widened, but noting the seriousness of the situation, nodded and stood up.

"It'll be okay, Shep," he said to Derek, a futile encouragement.

Derek only nodded and watched all the doctors, save for Addison, walk away, leaving him alone with her. He didn't notice Addison flash an appreciative smile at Miranda, or Miranda's nod of encouragement as they walked away. All he could focus on was the dread that nearly toppled him over.

When they were out of sight, Derek turned to face Addison, who was already sitting beside him and staring at him intently.

His gut fell at the mere emotion in Addison's eyes. He knew it was going to be bad news.

Addison took one deep, calming breath, and started. "Derek, there's something you have to know."

* * *

Sorry, I couldn't resist the minor cliffy. :)) I'm sorry he doesn't find out in this chapter, but he obviously will in the next. :) Thanks for reading, guys! :)


	15. Chapter 14

AN: Okay, so you all hate me for that cliffy. Foine, no more cliffhangers. Haha. Derek really does find out in this chapter. Also, I'm incorporating some Meredith-Addison understanding here, and I particularly like Addie in this chapter. There's also something to squee about at the end (to me anyway). Oh. And I'm so glad I'm able to apply the things I'm learning in school into this story. Did I ever mention I'm in my 4th year of pre-med? Everything makes so much sense now.

Anyway. Thanks for reading and reviewing the last one. Hope you like this one too.

Now. On to the story

- I still own nothing.

* * *

Derek shifted tensely in his seat as she stared at him, unable to speak. She'd tried to rehearse the lines, to phrase the news without sounding like she was accusing anyone of anything. But all the words she had come up with so perfectly in the last hour had seemingly left her.

She didn't know how to do this. But if there was anyone in the hospital who could deliver it with earnest compassion, it was her. Derek's pain was hers as much as it was his.

"We were having an argument," he started, needing to tell someone what happened. "We were arguing about why I wasn't home more often. And I was tired, and she'd been nagging about it all week and I just… I snapped."

"Derek," Addison tried, but Derek held a hand up to stop her. She complied.

"Don't try to make me feel better, Addie. This is my fault. I should've been spending more time at home. I should've. But I was going to be bad company and I didn't… I wasn't in the mood to deal with her. And we argued and I didn't notice that someone was crossing the street until I was so close and I had to swerve the car," he rambled, his eyes darting from side to side. "We hit a pole. _Her_ side hit the pole," he amended almost frantically.

"It's not your fault, Derek."

"But it is!" he argued. "My god, if anything happens to the baby…"

He didn't finish his sentence. It was as if he was reminded of why it was just him and Addison alone in the first place, and he grew quiet. It was abrupt, but he now looked lonely. Lonely and broken and tired.

"Just say it, Addie," he said quietly, looking down to fix his gaze on his shoes.

Addison remained silent, staring at him intently. The man was already broken before her. Right now, Derek thinks the baby is dead. And if he's already upset as it is, how much more broken would he be if he found out everything was a sham?

The thought of covering for Meredith, lying for her, had fleetingly crossed her mind. She somehow understood the reason behind the lying, mainly because Derek was Addison's husband too, and Addison knew full well what it would mean to lose him. But she couldn't lie. She couldn't because she knew she was marching straight into trouble if she did. This was Meredith and Derek's problem, not hers, and she would like to stay out of it as much as she could.

When Addison remained unmoving, Derek lifted his gaze, took a hold of both of Addison's hands and frowned. "Say it, Addie. Say there isn't a baby anymore. But say it now because all this anticipation is driving me insane, and if you don't tell me now…"

Addison sighed, pursing her lips and squeezing Derek's hands. She didn't pull away from the touch, knowing that the simple gesture allowed them to draw strength from each other.

"I don't know how to say it, Derek," Addison said quietly, looking away.

"Say it straight to the point. Say the baby is dead," he answered, gulping as the last word flew out of his mouth.

She shook her head. "It's not that simple."

"Addie…"

"It's not that simple, Derek," she said again, gathering a bit of courage to be a little more firm with her words. "What I'm going to say is going to hurt you."

Derek sighed, looking away to avoid Addison's eyes. "I've already been hurt," he muttered.

Addison chose to ignore what he said, needing to be more confident. She reminded herself that she was first and foremost a doctor, and that required a certain level of professionalism from her. She wasn't allowed to be emotionally involved, and she was breaking every single protocol now by not being impartial. She wasn't to seeing Derek this resigned. She'd seen him passionate—about many things, be it in making love or fighting or whatever. But he was rarely resigned, and that was something Addison needed to overlook for a while.

"Derek," she started, letting one of her hands out of Derek's grasp and using it to touch Derek's cheek, forcing him to look at her gently. "Derek," she repeated, a little softer this time.

Derek looked at her with sad, tired eyes, and then nodded.

"There _is_ no baby," Addison said cautiously, slowly. "Meredith was… ," she paused. "She was never pregnant."

A confused look spread over Derek's features as his brow knit in certain confusion. "What do you mean never pregnant?"

He was trying to process her words.

Addison sighed, frowning, willing her voice to remain steady. "We did a sonogram, we did a blood test, we… did everything," she explained. "There's no evidence that she was ever with child."

What was she saying there was never a baby? What was she implying? It had to be wrong. For Derek, it had to be wrong. This wasn't something anyone would lie about, and he would fight it much as he could. Meredith was a good person. She would never do that to him.

Derek sat up straighter in his chair, his jaw clenching, but his eyes disbelieving. "Addison."

"Derek, I'm sorry, okay? This is hard for me to say as it's hard for you to hear. But Meredith… she was never pregnant. There was never a baby," she paused.

Derek remained unmoving before her, and she mustered up more patience to be able to explain the situation to him without sounding crude or the total opposite. He looked like he needed her to expound, to explain it to him further. She knew the look well. It was a look she knew from delivering bad news to a patient's family—that incredulous, disbelieving, slightly angry look that Addison had memorized well.

"We checked the sonogram, and there was no baby. No heartbeat. There was no evidence of bleeding, and we did a blood test to be sure. Her HCG level is extremely low, which would only suggest one thing," she paused again, but before she could stop herself, she let the words out, "You were never going to be a father."

There was painful silence as Derek's face contorted from disbelief, to denial, to anger, to sadness. Addison could tell he was fighting the emotions, and his mind was trying to wrap around the idea of it.

Derek was trying to grasp the concept. Addison was telling him there wasn't a baby to start with, and he was incredulous. She explained to him what they had done, and now he was in denial. But as the words sunk in, and as the implications were realized, he started to be angry. Meredith had lied to him. Meredith had deceived him—played on his hopes and manipulated his dreams.

Addison looked at him sympathetically, but he didn't register that yet. All he could think about was the blinding rage that threatened to consume him. But Addison's thumb gently rubbing on the dorsum of his hand in an attempt to be supportive brought him back to reality. He shifted his gaze pleadingly at Addison, silently urging her to retract her statement.

On the other hand, he wanted to accuse Addison of lying, wanted to accuse her that she was the one being manipulative. But he knew painfully well that Addison would never lie to him about that. She was showing genuine emotions, and he never knew Addison to be vindictive. And although he expected Addison to be slightly smug about the situation, he never saw a sign of it because Addison was just as broken as he was.

"Derek…" she said quietly when he didn't reply. "Derek, I know—"

"She lied," he whispered harshly, the hurt evident in the way he was talking. "She lied to me."

Addison was at a loss. What was she going to say? What was supposed to be said anyway? This wasn't exactly a situation that Hallmark cards prepared for. Nothing could have ever prepared her for this.

Slowly, Addison nodded, thankful that Derek hadn't walked away yet; thankful that he was still sitting in front of her, trying his best to be calm.

"She may have, but you'll need to let her explain," Addison said calmly, trying to pacify him.

Derek shook his head vehemently, his breathing starting to grow more rapid, a sure sign that he was holding all his emotions in. "What's there to explain?" he answered sharply. "She lied to me about something so big—"

"Derek, you have to let her explain. Don't walk away. The means may have been wrong but the intention's there. She means well," she pushed. She didn't know what possessed her to rally behind Meredith. But she didn't take too kindly to seeing Derek react without thinking.

"She didn't mean well when she lied about us having a baby," he snapped. "How in the world was she planning to keep the lie up? A baby isn't something you lie about."

Addison frowned, taking her hand and rubbing Derek's arm.

"Derek…"

Abruptly, he stood up, the sudden movement taking Addison aback. He turned to the side to look at her.

He looked like he was about to say something, but closed his mouth and ran his fingers through his hair. He was utterly confused, and hurt, and lost. He clasped his hand on his mouth, fighting the tears of both anger and sadness that were threatening to make their way down his cheeks hotly. He shook his, trying to rid himself of the news, trying to wake himself up from the nightmare.

She stood up and looked at him worriedly. "Derek, why don't you sit down."

He shook his head again, more vehemently this time, and looked at Addison sharply. "I need to get away," he said, biting his lip and taking a deep breath. "I need to get away."

When he moved to start walking away, Addison blocked his path in one quick stride.

"You are not going to walk away, Derek," she said firmly. "You're going to face this issue, and you're going to confront Meredith. You're going to listen to her side of the story, and you are going to do your best to understand her."

But Derek was adamant and flashed her an angry expression. "My wife lied to me and I'm supposed to be calm? I'm allowed to walk away."

"No, you're not. It's not going to solve anything. You're only going to make things worse by letting it hang in the air. _You're not going to walk away_," she reiterated, her fiery temper already starting to manifest itself.

Derek's eyes darted around, and he made a move to leave again, but Addison stopped him.

"Let me go, Addie. This doesn't concern you."

"Of course it does, Derek! You think it'll be okay for me to sit here and watch you rip another stitch in your marriage? Meredith fought for you. She fought for you while you were in rock bottom, and fought for you when everything was a mess. If you walk away now… you have nothing. You have no one else. The least you could is to listen to her."

Another infuriated look crossed Derek's features and he turned sharply to look at Addison. "She fought for me in all the wrong ways, Addison," he said, the way he emphasized her name cold and hard. "And if I have nothing to go back to if I walk away now, it's not my fault. I told you to wait, and you got sick of it and you walked away from us. So you don't get to be high and mighty about not trying hard enough and staying when you picked up shop and left yourself."

He took a stride around Addison and started walking briskly away, his emotions already getting the better of him. But Addison was nothing if not persistent and she matched his stride, and his temper, in perfect synchrony.

"Well, look where that left us, Derek," she said hotly, matching his pace. "I walked away. But I walked away for a reason—so you could be with her. But it doesn't mean that I'm okay, or that you're okay. We're both a mess. So it only proves that walking the fuck away doesn't solve anything."

Derek shook his head, huffing angrily. "You don't get to guilt me into this, Addison."

How it happened that the argument shifted from Derek-and-Meredith to Derek-and-Addison, none of them noticed. But the topic had changed and they were now fighting hotly about their relationship instead of about Meredith. The gradual turn in conversation, in retrospect, should've been a clue as to how much they meant to each other, but they were both too stubborn to realize that now.

"Maybe not, but you're better than this, Derek."

He glared at her, and then snorted in disbelief. "Apparently, I'm not."

Addison sighed frustratedly from beside him, needing to knock some sense into a man resolute on opposing her. "I'm trying to help you, Derek. I'm trying to stop you from making a mistake."

"Well do me a favor and don't," he snapped, crossing the bridge with the picture window with Addison hot on his heels.

"Talk to her, Derek. It's not like it's going to take so much of you to talk to her. Let her explain. She deserves at least that."

Derek only shook his head as he kept walking, not bothering to look at Addison.

"Don't you _want_ to understand?" Addison reasoned. "Don't you want to know _why_ she did it?"

"I think I already know why," he answered, his temper still flaring. "She was being selfish."

"Because she loves you, damn it!" She was exasperated. "Do you think she'll do anything remotely stupid if she didn't?"

Derek stopped abruptly and turned to Addison, his expression hard. "If she loved me, she would've known how much I wanted to be a father. If she loved me, she would've realized how much this was going to hurt me. If she loved me, she would've let me go the moment she realized you were back because somewhere in the back of her head, she knew she never had me in the first place—that it was always you. It's always been you!"

Addison's jaw fell, shell-shocked and paralyzed by what Derek had said—well, more like blurted out in a fit of anger. Did he mean it? It made her question what Meredith was to Derek. He couldn't say he never loved her, because the past five years married to her were real. But was that love purely out of necessity? Was that why Derek was extremely forlorn after Addison had left? She shook her head. This wasn't about her. This didn't concern her.

He realized what he had just said, and mentally cursed himself for saying all these things while too emotionally caught up in the situation. But in retrospect, he didn't regret saying it. He knew it was true.

Derek noted Addison's stunned look, and sighed, his face softening. "If she loved me," Derek said slowly, "she would've realized that I've had only two dreams since you went missing: to find you and have a family. Maybe not with you," he said, amending, "but I wanted a family. She manipulated the situation, Addie. And I'm extremely hurt and pissed and disappointed and fucking angry."

Recovering from her shock, and trying to brush off what Derek had practically yelled at her, Addison nodded slowly. She stepped a little closer to Derek to rest her hand on his upper arm. "I know you're upset, Derek. But you have to realize that you're not a man a woman just lets go. God knows I haven't given up on you completely. But Meredith… all she wanted was to be with you."

He looked away, unable to meet Addison's sad eyes. It was in that moment that Derek realized that Addison was hurting just as much as he was. That maybe she wasn't as okay as she pretended to be, and that maybe she needed him too. But Addison was being tough about it and letting Derek try to reconcile with Meredith even if it meant Addison's unhappiness.

"Talk to her," Addison said, repeating her line from earlier. "If you're hell-bent on walking away, don't do it without closure. I believe you're a better man than that. Talk to her."

With that, Addison turned around and walked slowly back to Meredith's exam room, leaving Derek standing in the middle of the hall. Derek stared at her retreating figure as he pondered her words, before he sighed, shaking his head, and walked the other direction. He needed some time to think clearly. He'd come back to talk to Meredith later. But right now, all he wanted was a drink.

Xx

When Meredith woke up, the first person she was Cristina. She was sitting on the chair adjacent to the bed, her knees drawn to her chest, and she carried an extremely bored expression. Cristina met her gaze when she realized Meredith was awake, then sighed, stretching her legs to stand up.

"How're you feeling?" she asked as she walked to the end of the bed, opening Meredith's chart.

Meredith narrowed her eyes. "Groggy," she answered truthfully.

Cristina nodded, scribbling something on the chart. "That's to be expected. How's your leg feeling?"

Meredith looked at her leg, saw that it was in a cast, then sighed. "I can't feel it."

Cristina smirked. "That's morphine for you right there."

She walked to the side of Meredith's bed and plopped down on the seat beside it. "Want to tell me what happened?" she asked tentatively, knowing it was probably best to broach the subject as soon as possible.

The way Cristina was suddenly serious made Meredith's stomach drop. Her eyes landed on Cristina's inquisitive ones, but she couldn't read them. Not yet anyway.

Meredith sighed. "We got into a fight."

Cristina looked at her wryly. "I kind of deduced that."

"We were on our way to breakfast. Or lunch, I don't know. But what promised to be a pleasant meal turned sour because he got worked up when I asked him why he wasn't spending time at home."

"So you ran into a pole. I heard."

Meredith looked at her curiously. Cristina shrugged.

"The hospital talks," she explained. "And your husband knows."

Instantly, Meredith jolted up, sitting up straight wincing only slightly when her hip throbbed. "Oh my god," she cried, her eyes widening in realization.

It didn't occur to her that Derek would find out, at least not now. It didn't even occur to her that the hospital would check that. How could she have been so stupid? Of course Derek would mention that to her attending! And of course they would do a complete physical on her!

Cristina studied Meredith's reaction. She was panicking, that much was obvious, and she looked like she was about to cry. Cristina sighed, pursing her lips in thought.

"Are you sure he knows?" Meredith asked worriedly, trying to hold on to the remaining measure of hope there was. "I mean, what if—"

"Meredith, your husband isn't here. If he still thought you were righteous, he'd be the one sitting on this chair and not me," Cristina answered frankly. "But he knows. They checked you out and found out."

"Oh my god," Meredith said again, clasping a hand to her mouth as she felt her heart start beating thunderously in her chest. She didn't mean to cry, not yet. But the implications of Derek knowing were suddenly sinking in, and she could feel the tears pricking the back of her eyes.

He found out she was lying. He knew she was playing on his emotions. He was surely going to go ballistic, maybe even leave her. She cursed herself for being so stupid. This wasn't her. But she was blinded by her love for this man that she was willing to go far distances in order to prove to him how she did.

She only wanted to have the time to show him he wouldn't need anyone else to be happy, only her. She only wanted to have him. But admittedly, she didn't think about the consequences. She knew Derek would be hurt, and now he was.

"Meredith…"

"He knows," she cried, shaking. "He knows. Oh god."

Cristina only stared at her sympathetically.

"Oh god, where is he?" Meredith asked, sniffing. "Where is he? Is he gone?"

Cristina sighed. "I don't know where he is. He walked out yesterday when he found out."

"Who told him?" she asked between tears, her heart beating wildly. She could feel her ears burning. "How did he find out?"

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd was your attending yesterday," Cristina explained dryly. "She was paged before your ambulance arrived."

Meredith's face fell, and if it were possible, she panicked even more. Addison had found out first. Addison had told Derek. Addison had ruined her marriage. If she didn't come flying back from whatever hell hole she'd come from, she and Derek would've been fine. But she did, and she effectively ripped apart another stitch in her marriage when she told Derek the truth. It wasn't fair.

"And before you start blaming the woman, they did everything to make sure the conclusion was right," Cristina said, knowing what was running through Meredith's head. "When your husband walked away, she chased after him and started yelling at him to talk to you."

Meredith huffed, still allowing some of her tears to fall. She felt like the world was crashing down on her, like everything that made her happy was a figment of her imagination. She could feel her heart almost literally constrict in anguish. This wasn't how she had intended to live her life, and this wasn't how she wanted Derek to find out.

"She wanted him to talk to you, but he walked away," Cristina paused, studying Meredith closely. "Meredith, I'm your person. And I'm supposed to call you out on your mistakes. What you did was callous and stupid and spiteful. You let your emotions get the better of you, and now, look. Honestly… you had it coming."

Meredith snapped her attention to Cristina, glaring at her. "I was expecting a little sympathy from my best friend, but apparently, nobody's on my side anymore."

There was silence between them, the only sound filling the room being Meredith's silent cries. This wasn't how she planned for things to go. Sure she hadn't exactly thought about how to procure a baby, but still. She didn't want Derek finding out this way.

Cristina sighed. "I'm still on your side," she said a bit reluctantly. Honestly, sides were a bit childish, and frankly not needed, but she wouldn't say that now. "But I won't condone what you did, Mer."

"I need to find him. I need to explain," Meredith said frantically, turning her upper body trying to figure out where her cell phone was. "I need to call him. Where the hell is my damn phone?" she cried, the panic in her voice still evident.

Closing her eyes to keep her sanity, and to prevent herself from lashing out on Meredith, Cristina stood up and held a restraining hand on Meredith's shoulder. "I don't know where your phone is. It's probably in your car, and it's somewhere in the pound. And if I were you, I'd take it easy on the brash movement because your hip isn't going to heal itself. And lastly, I don't know where to find Derek. He left, and nobody knows where he is. Even Addison hasn't heard from him, and that's saying a lot."

"I need to—"

"Calm down," Cristina snapped. "I'll have them sedate you if you don't calm down."

Meredith looked fearfully at Cristina before she reluctantly stopped moving and started crying. She didn't know Cristina as a soft person, but she wasn't expecting her to be mean. But then again, Cristina was right. She had it coming.

"I don't know what to do," she said between sobs, finally allowing herself to cry unashamedly, burying her face in her hands. "I just… ruined my marriage."

Sighing, Cristina climbed on the bed and cautiously let her arms wrap around Meredith's small frame. Meredith needed a friend, and she intended to be that friend.

"He'll come back," Cristina said, trying to comfort her. "He'll come back, and he'll let you explain, and you'll work things out with him."

"He's never going to forgive me."

"Maybe not now, but he will, eventually. You just have to be strong. It's hard losing your husband, but it's harder losing him to someone else. But you're strong, Mer."

Meredith sniffed, the bitterness enveloping her heart and manifesting in her speech. "You know what's ironic?" she laughed humorlessly. "I pushed my husband away in an attempt to keep him. My life is so fucked up."

Cristina shook her head, knowing Meredith was wallowing in self-pity. Maybe a couple of bottles of tequila, plus time, will help her forget. But for now, Meredith was choosing to pity herself, and she could only be there to support her.

It was another hour later when Cristina was paged, leaving Meredith alone to her thoughts. Dr. Torres and Dr. Bailey had already come in to check on her, and her other friends, Izzie and Alex and George, had come to say hello. But they were all working and unable to keep her company. She knew it was bad, being left alone that is. Her thoughts would go on overdrive, and she'd keep pitying herself all over again.

She resented Derek. She resented the fact that Derek dragged her into this mess, that he was all perfect and dreamy while she was flawed and needed a man to complete her. She had come to a point that she even resented the fact that they had met and gotten married. She knew, even then, that Derek was still in love with Addison, and she never had him fully. She resented that she let herself be pulled into a situation that was far too complicated. And more importantly, she resented the fact that she loved him despite it.

She loved him. She loved him so much that she was willing to do incredibly insane things to keep him. She loved the way his hair matted in the morning, when he'd just woken up. She loved the way he smiled and said all the perfect things. She loved that he knew just how to keep her happy despite being unhappy himself. She loved him, and shared his dreams with him, and she knew beyond all doubt that she wanted him.

But Addison. Addison wasn't much of a different story. She resented the redhead. She resented her with such passion that she could hardly believe she was thinking straight. Addison had waltzed right back into their lives, effectively ruining the measure of happiness she had found with Derek. She hated that Addison was powerful—not only with well-known lawyers on her side, but also powerful over Derek, in the OR, in the hospital, in practically everything she engaged in. She hated the fact that Derek was hopelessly in love with her, and she with him, but that she was willing to overlook her own happiness in order to uncomplicate the love triangle they found themselves in. She hated how Addison seemed to charm her way into the hearts of the people Meredith had worked with for almost a decade in less than a week, and how she seemed able to rebuild her life so flawlessly since returning. She hated that before she even got to know Addison, she already admired her, and resented the fact that despite Addison's interference in her own life, she couldn't find it in herself to truly hate her.

And then as if the world was playing some sick, karmic joke on her, there was a soft knock on the door, followed by its opening, revealing the very redhead she had just been seething about.

Meredith stared at her emotionless, and Addison looked around the room to make sure they were alone.

"Dr. Grey," Addison greeted, closing the door behind her. "I trust you're feeling better?"

Addison didn't know what possessed her to check on Meredith. But somewhere at the back of her head, she knew she could empathize with her. She may not have gone to ridiculous heights to keep Derek, but she understood why it was so hard to lose him in the first place.

Meredith fixed her a hard stare and didn't speak, merely watching Addison as she ventured deeper into the room. She watched Addison pick up her chart, read it, then spare her a glance before shutting it and replacing it in its holder.

"You seem to be doing okay," Addison said, not deterred by the lack of response from Meredith. She positioned herself on the seat that Cristina had occupied earlier, crossed her legs and smiled at Meredith.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith finally asked. "Aren't you supposed to be running off in the sunset with my husband?"

Addison sighed. She caught on on the bitterness in Meredith's voice, but she tried to restrain herself from biting back. "I'd like to remind you that he's my husband too, except I haven't gone off getting his hopes up about a baby only for him to find out I was lying."

She said it calmly, with only a subtle hint of accusation. Meredith could only glare. Addison wasn't trying to be spiteful, or make Meredith feel any worse. But if Meredith was going to play dirty, she could, too. It was a warning.

Addison suppressed another sigh and looked at Meredith square in the eyes. "Meredith, I know we aren't exactly friends. We merely know of each other. I studied under your mom, you made a paper about me in med school, and now we're seemingly married to the same man. You may hate me for that, but it's there. And you can't deny that whatever you're going through, there's only one person who can empathize with you, and that's me."

"We don't know each other. I don't expect you to understand."

"But we're married to the same man, and I know what it's like to lose him. Derek is… Derek isn't the kind of man you give up easily. He's someone you fight for. He's flawed, but he's a good man. He's the kind of man who won't hurt you, not intentionally anyway and… I understand why you did it."

Meredith's eyes shot up, incredulity written all over her blue orbs. But she was stubborn, and she crossed her arms self-consciously over her chest.

"I suppose that… if I were a little crazier… I would've resorted to something as radical as that. But you… you weren't thinking. You… you _knew_ Derek wanted children. You _knew_ a baby was the way to get him. You _knew_. But you were willing to hurt him."

"It wasn't my intention to hurt him," she snapped.

"I know that. But weren't there other ways to keep him? To get him to stay with you?"

"It was the only way I could think of. He was halfway out the door when you arrived. I knew that if I didn't do anything… he'd leave completely."

Addison frowned. "Why didn't you just tell him how you felt? If you know Derek the way I do, or if you know Derek _at all_, you'd know he wouldn't dismiss you just like that. He loves you, Meredith. I saw how conflicted he was when he had to choose. He wasn't about to throw away your marriage, not even for me." It hurt for Addison to acknowledge that.

Meredith looked away, tears starting to pool in her eyes. She knew how much it took for Addison to say these things. And she knew the redhead had a point.

Shaking her head, she replied. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore because he isn't coming back. He left."

Addison's eyes were sad. "I tried to stop him."

She nodded. "I know you did. But he… he's stubborn like that."

"He is," Addison agreed. "But he's going to come back. He's going to come back, and maybe he isn't going to forgive you, and maybe he's going to be angry and raise hell. But he's going to come back, and you can explain then."

Meredith looked disbelievingly at Addison.

"He loves you, Meredith. You have to give him more credit than that."

With one last look, Addison left Meredith. She walked out into the hall, leaning on the wall to recompose herself. She didn't know why she even came to talk to her. She didn't know why she wanted Meredith and Derek to talk, to make things clear. She didn't know. But she knew that the pain in her heart was real, and that there was a longing ache within her as she did so. She needed a chance to redeem herself for once being petty and immature, and now was the time to do so, even if it came at the expense of her own emotions. Addison loved Derek, maybe too much. But she wasn't going to take Derek as if he were free-for-all. She wasn't the type of woman to just take advantage of a situation such as this to snatch Derek back. No, she was better than that. Besides, if she ever had Derek again, she wanted to make sure it wasn't because he was using her as a rebound.

Sighing, she fished for her mobile phone in her pocket. It's been a day since she last saw Derek, and she'd been trying to call him since this morning. She was worried. She didn't know if he was okay or left or hurt or passed out somewhere.

All she needed was to hear Derek's voice, hear him tell her she was in one piece, and that would be enough. She wasn't going to expect him to come to the hospital to talk to Meredith because she understood that he needed time. The only thing she needed to know was that he was safe.

Dialing Derek's number, she pressed the phone to her ear and walked slowly down the hall to the locker room. She was taking her time, her steps slow and measured. The line rang, and she was already expecting to be routed to his voicemail, leaving the 19th voice message into his system. But surprisingly, he picked up.

"Hello." The voice on the other end of the line was glum and gruff. It almost didn't sound like Derek.

"Derek," she exhaled, relieved. "Are you okay? How are you?"

There was slight shifting from the other end, Derek presumably trying to stand up to think clearer. "I'm fine, Addie," he said curtly.

"Are you drunk? Hung over? Did you just wake up?" She couldn't help the flurry of questions, and the worry that etched into her voice.

Derek sighed heavily, rubbing his hands over his tired eyes. "I just woke up."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at the trailer," he said. "I, uh… did some drinking. And thinking. I did some thinking."

Addison paused, a sad expression on her face. "Oh, Derek."

He was quiet for a while; no doubt trying to gather his thoughts, maybe even to grasp what he was about to say next. "I thought about what you said. Thought about why she did it," he said slowly. With a sigh, he continued. "I owe it to our marriage to talk to her."

A slow smile spread on Addison's lips. Derek was usually immensely stubborn. What happened in his head last night, she'd never know. But she was grateful that Derek was being reasonable.

"How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

"Hurt," he answered after a second. "Sad." He paused again, sighing. "But I'll be fine. I have to talk to Meredith."

"She's worried about you, you know."

He shook his head. "She shouldn't worry about me."

"She can't help it, and quite frankly, I'm worried about you too."

"I'm in one piece, Adds."

Addison was thoughtful for a moment as she paused in the hallway and leaned on the wall, still cradling the phone to her ear. "When are you gonna talk to her?"

"I'll start getting ready now," he said. "I mean, I would've wanted more time to think things through, but that's only going to make me angrier, so… I'll come later."

She couldn't help it. "I love you, Derek. You know that right?"

Given the circumstance, that was probably the best and the worst thing to say. But she knew it was the only thing she could offer him as comfort. Besides that, it was true. She wasn't saying it in an attempt to win him back. She was saying it because she knew he felt alone, and he needed reassurance she was willing to give.

Derek did a double take, not sure if he heard her correctly. But a small, sad smile appeared on his face as he realized what she had said. He clutched the phone closer to his ear.

"I love you too, Addie."

* * *

Okay. You guys happy? Haha. :)) This is a break from studying Anatomy, so I hope to put the next chapter up by the end of the week. :) Hope you like this chapter!:)


	16. Chapter 15

AN: Hi guys! Sorry it took almost two weeks to update (I think?). I was having trouble writing the next chapter and I didn't want to post this one unless the next one's already been written. That's how I roll. Haha. Anyway. I think this is a really touching installment. I don't know. To me, anyway. And I really hope you like it.

Thank you so much for all the reviews and for the very act of reading the last chapter. This story is coming to an end (as I'm sure you've noticed), and I'm glad I'm still getting support for this even if it's taken me more than two years to finish. You guys are the best!

- I own nothing.

* * *

Derek arrived at the hospital an hour later, disheveled but not disoriented. His clothes were wrinkled, his eyes red, and his hair a mess, albeit thinking very clearly. But he could hardly care about the curious glances the nurses were throwing his way. He was a mess, and he had every intention of sorting that mess out before he could even think about looking presentable.

Addison had met him at the lobby. She was in her navy blue scrubs, her hair down, and sporting a worried look as she crossed the lobby to greet him.

"Derek," she greeted, eyeing the wrinkled shirt and the equally wrinkled jacket the man was wearing. But if it bothered her, she didn't make a show of it. There were more important things to worry about.

Derek nodded in response, stuffing his hands into his pocket as he stopped about a foot from Addison.

"Hey."

Addison pursed her lips, studying the man in front of her. He obviously had a very fitful sleep, and was still feeling the effects of the alcohol he had consumed the night prior. But she could see that he was trying to be sober and aware.

"Have you eaten?" she asked cautiously, narrowing her eyes before sparing a glance at her watch to show that it was already 2 in the afternoon.

He shook his head. "Not hungry," he said simply.

She fixed him a hard, disapproving stare, and he flashed her a slightly sheepish look.

"I couldn't eat," he explained. "I'm not in the mood. And I'm really not hungry."

"Did you take an aspirin?" she asked, her voice still disapproving.

He nodded. "I had two."

She put a hand on her hip and scowled. "I'm taking you to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. You're not going to speak to Meredith without being a bit more sober."

Derek frowned. "I'm fine, Addie," he insisted.

But she only shook her head and dragged him to the cafeteria, ordering for him a cup of black coffee with two shots of espresso. He needed the energy boost anyway.

While waiting for the coffee, Addison turned to him, and without thought, started smoothing out his hair. She ran her fingers through his locks, fixing it and parting it slightly. And then she reached for a napkin and wiped his eyes gently before she straightened out his shirt and jacket. She was trying to make him look the least bit acceptable. Meredith didn't have to know Derek was a mess. In fact, no one had to know that. Their personal lives were talked about way too much anyway. Her principle was if she could avoid adding fuel to the already burning flame that was Hospital Gossip: Love Triangle Edition, she would. She very much disliked the idea of being whispered about in the hallway.

When the coffee came, Addison handed it to Derek, who took it and smiled at her appreciatively. She pursed her lips and watched him closely.

"Thank you," he muttered as he took a sip, wincing as the hot liquid burned his tongue slightly.

The coffee was bitter, and Addison smirked at Derek's facial expression as the heat wore off and only the bitterness remained. At least there was something to smile about in the current situation they were in, even if it was shallow and slightly childish.

"You're welcome," she said, grinning a bit, and led him to the elevators without much conversation. She still wasn't sure why she was helping Meredith and Derek. But she supposed she needed to fix other people's problems because she couldn't fix her own.

Thankfully, there was only the two of them in the elevator, and Addison took the opportunity to give Derek a little pep talk. Not that it was her place, really, but she felt like she needed to. No one else would remind Derek, and no one else would be as compassionate (or frank, you pick) with him as her.

"Remember," she said. "You're not allowed to yell. You're not allowed to cut her off. You're not allowed to walk out. You're going to listen to her, and you're going to do your best to understand her. You don't have to accept her apology out right, but at least _listen_."

Derek rolled his eyes at Addison's words. "All these rules you're giving me make me seem like I was the one who hurt her and not the other way around. I'm the victim here," he reminded. He was incredulous that he needed to be chastised about how to react, granted he was the wronged party.

Addison shrugged in response, her eyes fixed on the glowing numbers above the elevator. "Yeah, but it doesn't mean you can't play the role of the good husband and listen to her. And be sincere about it, may I add."

He scowled, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to ward off the headache that was about to come. "I don't understand why you're rallying behind Meredith on this," he said frankly.

She shrugged again. "I don't either, seeing that if I wanted you back, I should be encouraging all that hate brewing inside you," she answered earnestly. "But I'm trying to be the bigger person here, and I'm trying to put myself in her shoes."

_I'm trying to put myself in her shoes_.

Her words echoed in his head, and Derek turned to look at Addison. And for the first time, he really saw her. She was broken and she was scared, and maybe just as hurt as he was, but she was sympathizing and empathizing and all together trying make everything easier for everyone. He was in awe of her. Here she was, going through her own personal issues, but still managing to be supportive and understanding despite it. She was trying to imagine what it must've felt like for Meredith, what it must feel like to want something desperately. He thought she'd be a little vindictive or smug about it, but she wasn't. She was the embodiment of maturity and class, which was everything she was, actually.

It made him feel like an ass. He knew Addison needed someone. He was supposed to be that _someone_ helping her—take away her fears, whisper comforting words, hold her and tell her she was going to be fine. But instead, he was adding to her burden by throwing all his own issues in her face. She honestly didn't need him. She really didn't. She'd been doing a great job at getting by without him. But here she was, still trying to wriggle her way into his heart, not because she needed him, but because she wanted him.

But before he could even mutter anything about what he was thinking, the elevator doors slid open and Addison walked out in one swift but graceful movement, turning to him almost impatiently when he didn't move an inch.

"Coming?" she asked, raising a brow. She eyed expectantly.

He stared at her for another brief second before he shook his head and followed her.

He loved Addison. He loved her so much it was impossible to even breathe without her. But he loved Meredith too, at least he thought he did. What Meredith did had hurt him beyond anything he could've imagined. He never knew she was capable of inflicting that much pain on him. But she had, just when he was trying his best to pick up the pieces—first when Addison had left, and now, the baby that never existed.

But Addison. Addison was his rock. Standing there, looking at him with eyes filled with love and encouragement, it was hard to imagine how he would manage to live without her. He loved her—pure, unadulterated love, and he vowed that when he was ready, when the slate was clean, he'd come after her. And hopefully then, it wouldn't be too late.

They rounded the corner, stopping a couple of meters from the door to Meredith's room. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, and had to remind himself to push the anger down. The bitterness was present, and his head had already managed to put the words Meredith and hate in the same sentence more than he'd care to admit. But Addison had implored him to be calm and reasonable, and if only for her, he would keep that resolve.

Addison turned to him, smiling supportively as she rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Will you be okay?" she asked cautiously, trying to read his eyes. Her voice was quiet, just slightly above a whisper.

He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee and then abruptly, unexpectedly, pulled Addison into an embrace. She was taken aback, and she squirmed a bit before she relaxed in his touch, and he kissed her temple meaningfully.

The embrace wasn't something she had anticipated, and if Addison was honest with herself, she would've said it was a welcome (although incredibly complicated) distraction. But to Derek—it was a gesture meant to draw support, to find something constant in the middle of every complicated thing imaginable. He knew Addison was still not over the fact that he was married to Meredith, but he admired that she was putting aside her own worries in order to help him through a difficult time. Addison had a big heart, and he felt even more of a selfish brute for letting her care for him amid her own problems.

"Remember what I said, Derek," she said quietly, pulling away. "Think straight."

"I will," he promised, flashing her a reassuring smile. A brief second passed between them in silence before he cleared his throat. "Where are you gonna be?" he asked.

Addison shrugged. "I have an appointment with my therapist at 4," she explained. "Mark is coming over for dinner tonight. If you feel like needing the company…"

He nodded. "I'll keep it in mind," he said, hiding the shock that Addison was seeing a therapist. He didn't know that. But apparently, there were a lot of things he didn't know about her anymore. But not wasn't exactly the time to fuss over that now.

With another encouraging smile, Addison left with slight reluctance, letting her steps hit the ground lightly as she went to change into her street clothes.

Derek stared at her retreating figure sadly before he shook his head, taking another long sip of his coffee, trying to gather his thoughts. He didn't know what to say to Meredith. He didn't even know how to act in front of her. He was trying so hard not to let the anger blind him and just, for one lucid moment, allow his mind to be open to Meredith's explanations. Meredith really did owe him an explanation, and maybe he wasn't ready to hear it so soon after it just happened, but he wanted to get things over with.

Being here, being in such close proximity to Meredith, almost felt like acid was being thrown mercilessly on an open wound—a wound he was desperate to lick heal. He felt like the earth was swallowing him, like some cosmic force hated his guts so much. Nothing like this was supposed to happen. He was never supposed to be in this situation. But he was now, and all he could feel was the anger and the hurt threatening to take over him completely.

But he needed to keep his resolve. He had previously come to the conclusion that he owed it to himself, to Meredith, to their marriage, to let her explain. And he was going to do so without being an ass. He needed to hear what she had to say, and he needed to try his best to be the good man everyone thought he was.

Taking a deep breath, he finished the rest of his coffee and threw the cup into the bin, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He ran a hand through his hair, and took a tentative step to Meredith's room.

He touched the doorknob, turned it, and cautiously poked his head into the room. Meredith's friends were there—Izzie, Alex, George, Cristina, even Lexie. All of them were looking at him with a bit of surprise on their faces, and Izzie nudged Alex, taking Derek's presence as a cue to leave.

"We'll go ahead, Mer," Izzie said slowly, standing up from the bed, and eyeing all their friends. "We'll come back after shift."

George nodded, trying to smile at her, but it really looked more like a grimace because he was nervous for Meredith. "See you later," he said.

Before Derek had come, they were all trying to make Meredith feel better. It wasn't that they were coaching her on what to tell her husband. After all, it was her story to tell. It was more like trying to help her realize the things she did wrong, and to assure her that Derek was going to be back. They just didn't expect him to be back so soon.

Derek entered the room and stood beside the door, watching all of Meredith's friends pile out of the room, giving him an unreadable look before leaving. Without looking at Meredith, Derek locked the door behind them and then made his way to the seat beside the bed. He was tempted to look at the chart, but he knew he'd only see proof that there really wasn't a baby to begin with. He didn't need the reminder if he wanted to stay calm.

Meredith's eyes followed his every move, her hands fiddling with the end of the blanket nervously. She bit her lip. She was just as surprised as her friends that Derek was here so soon. She was sure it'd take another year for him to talk to her, but he was here now, less than 24 hours later, and she didn't know what to say. She hadn't thought about how to explain—to argue a good case. It was tempting to just kneel and grovel and beg for his forgiveness, but she knew he wanted answers.

After another minute, Derek finally met Meredith's slightly fearful gaze, and held it. He suppressed the need to sigh, but didn't hide the anger and the hurt from his eyes. He wanted her to see just how broken he was.

Meredith wanted to look away, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. This was her punishment—to see the hurt in the eyes of the man she loves with the knowledge that she put it right there. All the hurt, the pain, and the brokenness now were because of her. She would play the masochistic wife because she knew she deserved it.

Derek's jaw was clenched, not knowing how to start a heavy conversation with the woman in front of him. He simply stared at her, studied her, and realized he wasn't seeing her the way he used to. Maybe he had changed, maybe she had, or maybe he just never looked well enough to notice that Meredith had always been that way. But the fact of the matter was that he didn't recognize her, and that angered him more.

When Meredith finally looked away, she stared at her fingers still playing with the blanket, trying to gather her thoughts. She needed him to yell at her and not just stare with those beautifully sad eyes.

"I know you're upset," she whispered, courageous enough to say something to break the awful silence consuming them. "You have every right to be."

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He shifted his eyes to the floor. "I don't even know why I'm here."

Well, that wasn't entirely true. Addison had talked him into going, but he didn't know why he had agreed so easily. There were a lot of things weighing on his mind, but he was nowhere near ready to discuss them calmly.

"I get that you're angry," she said.

But he shook his head, and surprised even himself by laughing humorlessly. It was a morose, disturbing sound, and Meredith whipped her head to study him.

"Angry doesn't even begin to cut it," he said firmly, his eyes incredulous as he met her gaze. "You…" but he didn't know how to continue. All the anger he was trying so hard to suppress was bubbling out slowly but surely, leaving him at a loss for even the words to hurt her like she had hurt him.

"I what?" Meredith asked, almost challenging him. The way he had started to say things had made her feel instantly defensive. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to be right now, but she couldn't help it. "I hurt you, I get that," she said, a little more forceful than she had intended. She was sitting up now, not wincing at the pain in her hip. "But you—"

"Oh, you do _not_ get to blame this on me," Derek said, his eyes flashing with rage as he realized her train of thought. She was going to try to blame him, maybe not for everything, but for parts of it. "You _lied_ to me."

"Because I wanted to keep you, damn it!" Meredith said, looking straight into Derek's eyes as she professed her love for him, albeit indirectly. She needed him to understand. But in a matter of two or three words exchanged, they had managed to get worked up and were merely suppressing the need to yell completely.

This wasn't how Derek had planned for things to go. He had hoped for a calm, amicable discussion about what had happened, not an argument that was already slowly but surely rising to a full-blown screaming competition.

"I didn't want a divorce. I didn't want to see you with Addison. I wanted you with _me_, and a baby was the only way I could do that," Meredith continued forcefully.

"How in the world were you intending to continue with that lie?" he asked, his voice escalating. "How were you planning to get pregnant and come up with a baby? You made me a fool, Meredith. You manipulated me like I was stupid. But more than anything, you made me lay down all hope on something that wasn't even going to happen!"

Meredith shook her head, wiping at her tears angrily. She wasn't expecting to be so worked early on in their argument. But she had been an emotional wreck in the past weeks that she cried almost all the time.

"You made me believe that you loved me," Meredith said tearfully, her voice still angry. "You made me believe you loved me in spite of Addison. And I was so stupid to let myself believe you. But you… you were just using me. You were using me to fill some void Addison had left, and you hurt me! But even if you never loved me the way I loved you, I still wanted you! Do you know how that makes me feel?" she seethed.

But before Derek could answer, she continued. "I may have manipulated the situation, and I may have made you look stupid. But you made me look stupid when you made me believe you actually wanted _me_. But all this time, it was just about _Addison_. All Addison. You never loved me. You never saw me. You never had any intention of keeping the vows you made when you married me!"

This angered Derek more, fueling the rage coursing through him. "Don't you dare say that!" he said, his voice steadily escalating. "Don't you ever say I never loved you. You were my life for five years, and you're here telling me it was nothing? I told you once before, and I'll say it again—the years I spent married to you were real!" he paused abruptly, reminding himself to breathe and stay calm. "But you… you betrayed me. You hurt me in a way I never thought you were capable of."

His voice quieted towards the end, the admittance of the hurt paining him that it was almost impossible to breathe. Meredith stared at him, her tears flowing freely.

"You hurt me, too," she whispered, shaking her head and wiping at her tears.

Derek sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hand in an attempt to pacify himself. He didn't have it in him to fight anymore—not for her or with her. He was tired, and he knew whatever the words he'd throw at her from there on would only make the situation worse. That, and it wouldn't really matter anymore. His words would mean nothing because somewhere at the back of his head, he knew the only thing left to do, that the only reason he had come, was to absolve each other, but not exactly reconcile.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he said quietly after a while. He meant the apology, sincerely and earnestly. And he supposed that was the only thing left to say in a situation like this. He didn't want to fight anymore. "I never wanted to hurt you."

Meredith shook her head. "You're incapable of it," she said honestly. She knew Derek would never hurt her intentionally, especially not in the way she had hurt him.

A moment of silence passed between them, both of them lost in their thoughts. They had managed to dig a hole of great pain and regret around each other. Derek knew he had been incredibly unfair to Meredith, and that was dishonorable. He really did love her, but it was clear to him now that he never loved her in the way she deserved to be loved, and in the way he loved Addison. And Meredith—she knew she had hurt him by making him hope, by being selfish. And if Meredith was at fault for anything, it was because she loved him too much.

But it was time to learn the meaning of letting go, of knowing when enough was enough. They had hurt each other enough to last them a thousand lifetimes, and they were set to self-destruct if they didn't extract themselves from the dangerous road they were on.

"I'm sorry I lied to you, Derek," Meredith said through her tears. Her voice was resigned and regretful. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I was selfish."

Derek frowned, studying Meredith's crying form. He loved her. He really did, and it hurt him to see her this way. They may have hurt each other, but Meredith was still his savior, no matter what position they were in now. He stared at her a good minute before he sighed and stood up, sitting on the bed to wrap his arms around Meredith's small form, kissing the top of her head.

"I know how much you wanted a baby," she sniffed. "And I thought that if I said we were going to have one, you'd choose me over her. And you did, but you chose me because of the baby, and not because you really wanted to stay with me."

Derek shook his head, his eyes starting to water as he realized that the end was drawing near. Meredith's words were true, and he felt worse than he did when he first came into the room.

"I was selfish," Meredith continued. "And I loved you so much that I didn't want to lose you. When Addison came, she made you so happy without even saying anything. All you had to do was to look at her, and you _saw_ her, and it didn't take much to know that your universe revolved around her." She paused, acutely aware of Derek rubbing her back comfortingly. "She makes you happy, Derek. And all I've ever wanted was to see you happy. I didn't understand it before. I couldn't accept that someone else could make you happy. But I realize that now—if you love someone… it doesn't matter who or what brings him joy. I love you enough that I can let you go because I can never give you what Addison does."

It'd always been about Addison. Their whole relationship, and this argument, was all rooted on the fact that Derek loved Addison with every inch of his being. He hated that the woman had to be dragged into an entirely separate relationship, but it was true. He could say a thousand times that Addison had nothing to do with them, but she did. She was in every nook and cranny of their marriage that saying she was completely out of it was a lie.

She lifted her head and met Derek's teary eyes, extreme sadness already consuming her as she struggled to voice the words her head was screaming at her. She knew what she was about to do was right, but it didn't make it any less difficult. She didn't need any more convincing. She only needed a little more strength.

"I love you, Derek," she declared quietly, the raw honesty in her voice incredibly apparent.

He nodded, allowing a tear or two to escape. He may have been extremely hurt by the non-existent baby, and he may have been extremely angry at Meredith for playing with the situation. But Meredith was still his wife, and he could see she was struggling. He knew it—he knew she was going to let him go. In the long run, he would thank her for that, for giving him an out. But for now, he couldn't be happy about it just yet. He was just as forlorn as she was.

"I love you, too, Meredith. You have to believe that," he pleaded. It didn't sit well with him that she had accused him of never loving her, because he did. He loved her. Maybe not in the most conventional way, but he did.

Meredith gave him a small, sad smile. "I know," she said, taking a deep breath. "But it's time to let go. We have to stop hurting each other."

Derek stared at her with dejected eyes. They had helped each other rebuild, but now they were ending a relationship that kept them alive for so long. Every relationship ran its course, and theirs already had, apparently. It had run its time, served its purpose, and now, there was nothing left to do but let go. It was time to go their separate ways and fulfill what they were meant to do in the first place. Parting was indeed such sweet sorrow.

The realization was devastating. It couldn't be said that it was more devastating for Meredith, knowing she had nothing else to turn to, because Derek was equally lost and confused. But they had both come to the conclusion, in their heads at least, that they couldn't keep living in the way they had been for the past five years. It was time to move forward.

"You saved me, Meredith. You kept me together for so long—you have no idea how grateful I am for that."

Meredith smiled again. "You kept me together too. But Addison… she loves you, and you love her. If I ever find a love like yours and Addison's, I'll consider myself lucky."

"Mer…"

"What Addison did… what she did when she let you go… she was stepping aside to give way to us. She loved you enough to let you go. She may be well kept, and she may appear like she's perfectly fine, but she's not okay. So you… you need to take care of her. And make all of this worth it."

Derek's eyes widened. How was it possible for him to have two amazing women in his life? How was it that he deserved to have these women love him enough to let him go if they knew he was going to be happier with the other? He didn't know, but he knew he wasn't worthy of it.

"You don't have to do this, Meredith. You don't have to pretend to be happy—"

"I'm not pretending," she countered. "You love her. Plain and simple. And even if that hurts me so much more than I ever thought possible, I'm willing to live with it because I know you'll be in a good place."

Derek looked at her unconvinced.

"Don't worry about me," she said, trying to sound reassuring. "I'll be fine."

He didn't know what else to say. Meredith was letting him go. He was more expecting to scream and yell and fight incessantly with her than to have her giving him an out. It made him feel less of a man, but Meredith was right.

"Find her," Meredith urged. "And make all this pain worth it. Be with her."

Derek knew he'd need some time to sort himself out before he could consider himself ready for a serious, full-blown relationship with Addison. Yes, he would be there for her, but they both needed time and space.

He shook his head. "You're amazing," he said earnestly, still holding her close to him.

Through her tears, Meredith smiled shakily. "You still think so after I told you I was pregnant?"

He nodded firmly. "That mistake shouldn't define who you are to me. You're still the woman who kept me together, and I'm hopefully a better man because of you."

Meredith nodded, burying her face in his chest. She was inhaling his scent, making a memory, imprinting. This could possibly be the last time Derek would hold her as affectionately, and she was planning on holding on to that memory forever.

She may have had her regrets, and she may be incredibly sad at the moment. But she knew now, now that things were clearer, that she was doing the right thing. She was going to be okay. She had the rest of her life ahead of her, and she and Derek had made some beautiful memories together. She would not be the woman to hold the man she loved back from the woman who held his heart, and she knew she would someday open her own heart up again to find a man who will love her in the way Derek loved Addison.

It was amazing how she came to those conclusions in a matter of minutes, but she had determinedly decided that she was going to move forward. All the sadness and pain and regret would fade away. But the lessons she learned, the love she felt, and the promise of a brighter future would stay with her.

"Will you really be okay?" Derek asked quietly.

She nodded. "I will. Why don't you go ahead, find her now and take her out to dinner? I'll be okay."

He shook his head. "I'm staying. I'm staying until your hip feels better and your leg is healed. I'm staying until we're ready to part."

Meredith smiled at him gratefully, knowing she had made the right choice.

* * *

Okay. Meredith is now out of the picture! Haha. So we can now concentrate on just two things: Derek & Addie's relationship, and Addison's inner turmoil. I'm trying to tie the loose ends of all the plots now. :) Thanks so much for reading and please let me know what you think! :D


	17. Chapter 16

AN: Hey guys. Sorry it took a while to update. I've been having exam after exam after exam, so that's been a bummer. But thank you for reading the last chapter! I appreciate it immensely. This chapter is really just some Addison-Derek interaction. I decided to upload this now though I haven't written the next one because I changed my mind about what happens after. I wrote the next chapter, but I'm re-doing it so whatever. :) I hope you like this and let me know what you think!

- I still own nothing.

* * *

A month after the accident, Addison found herself sitting at her desk, staring at the white wall before her. A lot of things had happened, and she wasn't sure how she felt about the changes.

Firstly, a week after the whole Meredith and Derek fiasco, she had heard through the grapevine that Meredith Shepherd was now, once again, officially Meredith Grey. They had divorced quietly, Meredith serving him the papers as soon as she was able to make use of the crutches Dr. Torres had given her. It was mutual, Addison had heard, and apparently, Meredith had packed her belongings and moved to Boston three days ago.

Quite frankly, Addison didn't know what to think of it. Meredith was now 3000 miles away from Seattle after she and Derek had divorced amicably. Nothing was keeping Addison in Seattle now. She had long since decided that whatever relationship she was going to pursue with Derek wasn't going to happen while everything was still fresh—a raw wound. Derek needed time and space, and Addison was more than happy to oblige because she wasn't sure under what circumstances she was willing to start a relationship with Derek with. They hadn't really discussed anything because both of them had been putting the inevitable on hold.

But Addison was always a step forward. Her godfather, her father's colleague, had drawn up a set of divorce papers for her and Derek. They obviously weren't going to pick up where they left off, and they obviously weren't going to use the old foundations for a new relationship. They would start from scratch.

Secondly, almost two weeks ago, Addison had spoken to Richard about pulling her out of surgery. She had tried denying it, tried ignoring it, but everyday she could feel herself succumbing to what her therapist liked to call PTSD. She wouldn't have wanted to put a name to it, or even a diagnosis, because it felt slightly awkward to do so, but it was true. There was no use intentionally overlooking it anymore. She knew it would be irresponsible of her to go into surgery and put her patients' lives at risk.

She couldn't say that it was easy. She knew that doing the right thing was always the hardest. Surgery made her feel centered, purposed, and pulled her out of the sinking depression she was sure was slowly overtaking her. But it had to be done. No matter how difficult it was to part with something that comprised so much of her, she knew it had to be done. But she held out hope that this wasn't going to be permanent. She decided she'd keep seeing her therapist in order to get better, and then one day come back, healed, and ready to be a surgeon again.

And the last change, of course, was Derek. Granted she hadn't seen him much since his divorce, and they hadn't really discussed anything substantial, she always felt like she was slipping away from him. They weren't the same people, that much was for certain. But she was fighting it, because she wanted a chance for them, somewhere down the road, to find each other and rebuild.

But she couldn't think about that now. What she needed to concentrate on was fixing her legal case. It was frustrating. She just wanted to move on. She didn't want to talk to the police, and she didn't want anything to do with the law. She just wanted to talk to her therapist, and get rid of all the negative emotions, and get back on track.

She sighed, eyeing the piece of paper the detective had given her. It was his business card. He had instructed her to call him if she knew more. She had asked countless times to be excluded from the whole case, wanting her privacy and really just wanting to leave it in the past, but he had been adamant about keeping her as a witness in case a lead came up. The station was still busy processing the information she had already given, and she could only wait until the case was closed and she could fully move on.

Stuffing the business card into her desk's drawer, she checked the time and cursed. It was past six in the evening. She wanted to go home early and put her feet up and have a nice, long bath after all the stress. She hadn't noticed the time fly by, seeing as she sat down in front of her desk at four in the afternoon. Now, she just wanted to go home.

Home. Addison had bought a pad about fifteen minutes away from the hospital. She didn't want to buy a house because she was anticipating a big move on her part. It was never her intention to stay in Seattle for long, and a pad would suffice until she deemed the time right to move back to New York. Or any other city. Just not Seattle.

She wasn't sure what was keeping her in Seattle, actually. Save for her job (which she treasured dearly but could honestly let go in a heartbeat because it was never something permanent), and maybe the therapist she had grown to like. Nothing else was holding her back. Everything was in New York, and she had been compelled many times to pack up and be with her oldest friends and family. But she wasn't ready for another big change, she had deduced, and decided to stay put for a bit. Moreover, whereas once New York symbolized her biggest hopes and dreams, it was now tainted with the slightest bit of anxious grief, knowing full well it was now a city that beheld her captors for seven years.

Pulling her purse, she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, checked her desk for anything she may have left, and walked out of her office, locking the door behind her. Straightening her skirt, she headed for the elevator and stood patiently in front of it after she had pressed the down button.

Strangely, no one else was waiting for the elevator with her. It was six in the evening, and shifts usually changed around that time. People would come and go and the halls would be busy. But not tonight. She wasn't sure why, but she shrugged it off.

The elevator finally arrived and the doors opened. Addison had to stifle a frown. Derek was in the elevator. Alone. So in essence, it was just her and Derek. Alone. In an elevator. For roughly fifteen seconds. She wasn't sure how she felt about that.

Derek looked up and offered her a small smile. She returned it and stepped on to the elevator. She stood about two feet away from him and stared at the numbers on top of the door. He watched her carefully with a sidelong glance.

He hadn't admitted it to her, but his heart ached whenever he saw her. But he wasn't exactly in any position to initiate anything, and they had wordlessly agreed that they would wait until both of them were ready. It was strange—they were committed to each other, maybe not in the most conventional of ways, but they knew they would try eventually.

"Long shift?" Addison asked finally, breaking the silence. She secretly just wanted to break that godforsaken longing gaze Derek was casting in her direction. It was making her increasingly agitated, knowing that she could not refuse those eyes if he stared any longer.

He was startled from his musings and he looked up to meet her expectant gaze. He nodded. "You could say that. 48 hours. Lost two patients."

She winced. "Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that," she said sincerely, the brow she had previously raised at him now falling miserably back in place.

"Looking forward to a bottle of beer and the great outdoors," he answered her wryly, rubbing his face with his hands in a way that said he was tired and bordering on miserable.

For some reason, the statement made Addison sad. There wasn't really any fancy word for it—she just felt sad. Derek was alone, and there was no one for him to go home to after a particularly brutal shift. She wasn't convinced it would be a good idea, but she thought about inviting him over to her house. She had no idea what they were going to do, but she pitied the man. Her heart went out to him, and there was a slight urge in her gut that made her want to hug him for all it was worth.

Pursing her lips, she turned to him and smiled. "I bought a house," she started, tentatively. "Well, not a house," she rambled. "More like a pad. A place. For myself. It's a place for myself, whatever it is."

He turned his head to hers tiredly. "I heard," he said, nodding, slightly endeared by her nervous ramble and offering her a half smile. "I think it's great, Addie."

She nodded in agreement. Hesitantly, she continued. "Do you want to see it? If you're not too tired or anything. I have some leftover spaghetti if you want to see it tonight."

Addison wasn't sure what Derek would make of the offer, so she held her breath. After all, it was such a random suggestion, especially considering their current situation.

He was slightly surprised by the offer but thought about it for a moment, and quite frankly, the gesture touched him. He knew Addison cared for him immensely, and loved him, but was in a strange place right now. In a way, he knew the offer was Addison's way of helping him despite their troubles, and he appreciated it.

He smiled at her. "I'd love to see it," he stated honestly.

Addison grinned at him and nodded. "You can follow me on the way there. Did you bring you car?" she asked, perhaps too excited, but still.

Derek nodded. "Sounds good."

She flashed him another smile. Baby steps, she thought. They didn't have to make grand gestures too quickly.

When they had reached the ground floor, Addison told him where she was parked, and he said he'd take his car to her slot. She agreed, walked to her car, and sat in the driver's seat until Derek honked a bit behind her.

Carefully, she pulled out of the slot and drove at a pace enough for Derek to follow her easily. She wasn't sure what they'd talk about once they got to her apartment, and she wasn't sure what she was ready to tell him. But if she were brutally honest, she'd admit that she missed him terribly and just wanted him close.

Fifteen minutes later, Addison had signaled that the apartment was on the left, and she drove into the basement parking while Derek parked his car on the street. She met him at the lobby and he followed her to the elevators.

"So when did you move in?" he asked, trying to make conversation.

She turned to him and shrugged. "About two weeks ago, so the place isn't completely made up."

"I'm sure it looks great, Adds."

Addison grinned. "It does."

He chuckled, enjoying the cheeky grin Addison had on. When the elevator opened, she stepped off and turned right, leading the way to her unit. Derek looked around the hallway, noting how even the place looked very much like something Addison would choose. Classy and elegant.

Addison stopped abruptly, fishing for her keys in her bag and shoving it into the keyhole. She opened the door, and stepped in, allowing Derek a good look of her new home.

Derek's eyes scanned the place. It had ruby walls with brown and white accents. It reminded him of something classic, traditional. There was a big picture window, a wall with a wooden-framed mirror leaning on it. The couch was white, with warm brown pillows, and it mimicked Addison's old bedroom in Hartford. He smiled to himself. This was definitely Addison Montgomery.

He ventured deeper into the place, not noticing Addison's eyes watching him intently as he formulated an opinion. When he had scanned every possible detail at the first take, he stopped in the middle of the room and turned to her, a smile on his face.

"I told you it looks great."

She grinned at him, sighing in relief. She didn't know why, but his opinion was important to her. And even if she shouldn't, what he thought still mattered, and she still cared about what he might have to say about her life.

"Thank you," she said appreciatively. "Make yourself at home. I'll heat up the spaghetti."

Derek nodded and turned to sit on the plush couch. He took the shoes off, laid them next to the coffee table, and leaned back. From there he could hear Addison humming softly to herself as she prepared dinner, and it almost felt surreal. It was like he was being taken back in time, to when he and Addison had first started dating. The awkwardness and the whole set-up was very much like the two of them maybe fifteen years prior.

He wasn't sure how he would proceed with his life. The old saying about time healing all wounds was in fact his only comfort. He had no doubt in his head that he was on the right track, though. Maybe it wasn't the most ideal of ways, but he was doing the right thing. He hated that he had to hurt Meredith, and hated that they had to divorce. But in the end, he knew she needed to be set free. Because if he was sure of anything in his life, it would be that he wanted to be with Addison. Not now, of course. Not when both of them weren't ready.

He was waiting for the right time, and for the right emotions to overtake him. He was hurt for now, and wounded and maybe slightly terrified, but he could already foresee his future with the redhead. He was only hoping it wouldn't be too late—that his readiness wouldn't come when she was ready to move on without him.

His eyes landed on the white ceiling, his thoughts drifting to the countless events that had led him to where he was now. And maybe he was naïve to think that things would be less complicated with Meredith out of the picture, because now, he still found himself hurt and alone. The whole pregnancy thing still stung, and just the memory of his pen gliding smoothly on top of the line that ended five years of his life had made him want to throw up. But this was the reality he had to work with, that he had to overcome, because he knew things were going to get better.

"Dinner's ready," she said quietly, startling him out of his thoughts.

She was leaning on the doorframe separating the common room from the kitchen, and she looked like she'd been watching him for a time. He could tell, because she had that subtle crease on her forehead, and the very minimal, but still present, look of curious worrying in her eyes.

He stood up and smiled. "Shall we?" he asked, walking to where she was and letting his hand slide to her lower back.

She threw him one last questioning glance before allowing him to pull her to the dining room. She'd ignore the deep-thought look for now, but she knew that he knew she noticed.

Derek pulled the chair out for her, and she nodded in appreciation. He took a seat next to her, eyeing the spaghetti.

"Did you make this?" he asked, slowly taking his fork.

Addison nodded. "It's one of the only things I know to make."

"I remember," he said. "You couldn't cook to save your life, but spaghetti was an exception."

She shrugged. "Well, I was never one to cook anyway. I mix some awesome drinks though," she answered, winking at him playfully.

Derek chuckled, twirling his fork into the pasta. "That you do."

A comfortable lapse fell between them as they ate their spaghetti. They hadn't shared a meal in quite a while, and it was a pleasant lull then enveloped them. When dinner had ended, Derek cleared the plates out while Addison pulled out some wine glasses and a bottle of wine, pouring them some of the scarlet liquid and waiting for him by the couch.

When he finished with the dishes, he went to join Addison, taking one of the glasses of wine from her hands and sitting next to her on the couch. They stared out the picture for a moment before Addison cocked her head to the side and watched him closely.

She tried to think of a way to broach the topic, to get him to open up without sounding gossipy. She didn't mean to pry. She genuinely cared. But the silence provided very little leeway for her to start a particularly heavy conversation with him.

With a quiet nod to herself, she decided she'd just go for it and ask. "Are you okay, Derek?" she asked finally, her question reaching his ears in a matter of seconds. She noticed how he stiffened very subtly beside her.

He couldn't say the question was unexpected, because he knew they'd talk about these sort of things. He knew she'd ask. And he knew he wouldn't be opposed to talking with her. It was just that he was unable to brace himself for the pointed way with which Addison had broached the topic.

"It's just that we haven't really talked much," she continued, "and I'm worried about you. I don't know which parts of hospital gossip are true and which ones aren't."

He turned his head to look at her and offered her a weak smile. "I'm getting by, Adds. You don't have to worry about me."

She shrugged, a small frown gracing her pink lips. "I think that's impossible. I'll always worry."

He shook his head. "You have your own problems. I shouldn't be one of the things you worry constantly over."

"Either way, I'm worried," she said, cocking her head a little more and pursing her lips. "Do you want to tell me how you've really been or are we just going to leave it 'I'm getting by'? We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Quite frankly, she hoped Derek would open up.

Derek sighed, turning his attention back to the picture window, his fingers tightening around the wine glass. He wanted to be honest with Addison, but he didn't know how. He didn't know how he could pour out his feelings about another woman and how they related to her without sounding like the biggest jackass in the world. But Addison's eyes weren't condescending, and he knew full well she wasn't judgmental, and that she wouldn't be anything but understanding.

"If I be honest with you," he started, "will you promise to be honest with me too?"

She thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Sure."

He glanced at her and smiled appreciatively. "Thank you."

Addison nodded, then shifted her body so that she was facing him completely, trying to convey the message that she was ready to listen to him. In return, he turned his body towards her as well, and took a long sip of his wine before he set it on the coffee table.

Clearing his throat, he adjusted himself so he was comfortable and flashed Addison a slight smile.

"I don't know how I feel," he said after a pause. "I mean, I do. But I don't know how to act on it."

She nodded, taking a sip of her wine. "Okay?"

"It's just… I want to be with you, Addison. I want to be with you so much but I'm not ready. I'm not ready emotionally, and I know you're not ready either. Right now, I can't be the man you deserve and it's killing me."

Addison frowned, casting her eyes downwards and fixing them unceremoniously on the liquid in her glass. She didn't say anything, only allowed him to talk.

He sighed again. "It's killing me because I know you're going through a lot, and that you need someone to be with you. I want to be that person—I _really_ want to be that person. I want to take care of you, but I can't because I'm licking this big wound and I can't risk hurting you by being with you before I'm ready.

"And on top of that, I'm afraid that if I take my time to actually _be_ ready, you might find someone who'll take care of you before I can get to it. I'm scared that you wouldn't want to be with me anymore, not after all of this."

"Derek…"

"I'm scared that if I don't act on it now, you'll find someone else. And, well… a part of me is scared you don't want to be with me anymore… as in right now, at this very moment, you've decided we won't be anything more than friends. At least not after I hurt you."

There. He had said it. He had said about half of what was bothering him. He didn't say it in one breath, but he might as well should have because he felt like he had run a marathon. He had spoken nonstop, without so much as a pause. He acknowledged how easily the words rolled off his tongue once he had started.

"Derek… ," she started, licking her lips. "You can't think like that. Honestly, you have to take it a step at a time. Your biggest concern now is getting over what happened between you and Meredith. You can't worry about what will happen after you get over her when it hasn't even happened yet."

She hesitantly took Derek's hand with her free one and squeezed it gently.

"You need to understand that maybe I won't be able to sit around here and wait for you, and maybe I wouldn't want to be with you after everything's sorted, but that it doesn't mean you won't be okay. You can't rush the getting-over-Meredith part, because that's gonna come on its own time, and it's inevitable that you move on. But what happens after that… that's not in our control. I can tell you now that I'd want to be with you after this, but I can't really be sure of it because a lot of things can happen between now and then."

"But you won't write me off when that happens, right?"

Addison sighed. "I don't know, Derek. I mean, I want to be with you, I really do. But you're not ready, and I'm not ready, and I'm going through a lot of things right now that could possibly change the way I feel about things. We don't know what's going to happen, Derek."

She paused, licking her lips. "We're very broken people right now. I don't know how a relationship can survive if we're both broken."

Derek knew they can possibly help each other heal, but that would be unfair. They were broken in different ways, and as much as he wanted to help Addison, he knew he would probably do more harm that good. He didn't want to ruin the progress Addison had made, and that no matter how selfish he wanted to be right now, he couldn't. He couldn't keep Addison, and he couldn't expect her to be what he had made her out to be.

"I suppose," he said slowly. "I suppose you're right."

"I _am _right," she said, trying to lighten the mood. "I always am."

"Yes, you are," he said, grinning.

"Besides," she said, after taking a sip of her wine, "I wouldn't want to be with you if you were still hung-over Meredith. I'd want you, _all_ of you, to be with me."

Derek nodded in understanding. It was unfair to Addison if he forced himself to be with her.

"You're really something Addison," he said earnestly, looking deep into her eyes and hoping she knew that.

Addison's face registered slight surprise at the random sentiment, but it quickly dissolved, replaced with a small smile of appreciation.

"Thank you, Derek. But I really wouldn't say that. I think that between the two of us, you've _lived_ more and _become_ so much more. You're not just something. You're _someone_. And I'm proud of you for that."

"You give me too much credit, Adds."

But she shook her head, squeezing his hand. "Doesn't make it any less true."

He smiled at her, and then a silence enveloped them, each lost in their own thought. When they hadn't said anything after a few minutes, Derek cleared his throat, earning Addison's attention.

"So… is it just me who's gonna do all the talking tonight, or will you tell me what's bothering you, too?"

"Who says anything was bothering me?"

Derek raised a brow at her. "So you're perfectly fine?" he asked, his voice disbelieving.

Addison sighed. "Of course I'm not fine. But I'm dealing."

He nodded. "You know, if you ever need a friend, I'm right here."

She shot him a look and considered his words for a moment. She was compelled to relate to him her troubles, not just because she needed a friend, but because some primal part of her still thought of him as her husband. It was therefore her obligation to tell him what was on her mind, to communicate.

Sighing, she let her hand release Derek's and allowed it to rest on her glass. She was cupping it now with both of her hands, and she was tempted to pour a little more wine into it.

But she knew she owed Derek an explanation, or at least to share some part of her after he had graciously explained his fears to her. Not that his fears were everything, of course. She knew that what he had shared was merely the tip of the iceberg. Derek was going through a difficult time trying to comprehend his recent divorce on top of trying to make things work out with her. He was juggling too many things, maybe illogically at that. She hoped that if she shared her own problems, he'd realize that some people had it worse off than he did, and maybe find himself feeling better because he wasn't beyond hope of salvation.

After another pause, she relented.

"Did I tell you I'm seeing a therapist now?" she started, meeting Derek's gaze.

"You've mentioned it in passing," he answered, knowing she had mentioned the therapist thing when he went to talk to Meredith at the hospital. He remembered being slightly shocked about it, and had been meaning to ask her how it was going.

She frowned. "Well, I am. I kind of really like her. I didn't think I'd like going to a therapist, but it's been oddly comforting."

"I'm glad to know it's helping you, Adds," he said earnestly, even though a part of him thought she wouldn't need a therapist if he were with her. She wouldn't need to pay a random stranger to listen to her.

Addison shrugged, bringing her eyes to the red liquid in her glass. "We've made a lot of progress. I've told her a bunch of things about… what happened… and, well, the set-up isn't the most conventional but she records our sessions and sends the information to the police."

Derek's eyebrows shot up as he processed the information. "Isn't that a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality? Your privacy is—"

"It's easier that way, Derek," she explained, cutting him off hastily. "I dislike talking to the police because they're very uptight. At least Dr. Brady is more compassionate."

He didn't look convinced.

She sighed. "I like it this way, Derek. Me not dealing with the police helps me forget about the men still being out there. And talking to my therapist just… it helps me heal. With her, I'm not a possible information machine for them to get leads to track down the guy. With her, I'm just a broken person who needs someone to talk to."

It was his turn to sigh, shifting his leg. A deep, sad frown settled on his lips. "It's really… hard… to understand, Addie. I wish you'd talk to me instead of her."

Addison's face fell, and she looked just as broken as Derek did at the moment. "I'm doing the best I can, Derek."

"I know you are," he said quietly. "And I suppose I'm glad you've found a way to cope."

She nodded in appreciation. "Thank you."

He nodded back and then cleared his throat. "So. Are you going to tell me what you've been telling this Dr. Brady, or do you need more time?"

Addison grinned at him for a second before she nodded. "I think I'm ready to tell you some things."

So she told him. She told him about Tracy, about why she was okay physically, about what she had seen and what they had been doing. She told him about the journey to Seattle, about how she knew he was in Seattle Grace, and how she had ended up on the third floor of the hospital, mere yards away from him the day she had returned.

She didn't know how she had done it, or at least how she had done it without breaking down. She concluded it was because the therapy was helping and allowing her to move on from the details little by little. She was letting go of all the turmoil and trying her best to start fresh. Sure she wasn't completely okay, PTSD taken into account, but at least she could sustain a conversation about it without breaking apart.

But Derek. He had stared at her, unmoving, not saying a single word, throughout her whole story. It was like he was frozen in place, like he was on the outside looking in as he tried to digest the things Addison had been telling him. He once again sat there, in complete awe of Addison's strength, but at the same time feeling useless at being completely powerless over her emotions.

He knew she wasn't okay. He knew she was still healing. He knew. Hell, he even knew that Addison had to be pulled out of surgery so she wouldn't put any of her patients' lives in jeopardy inside the OR. And maybe he should've been there for her sooner, as soon as he found out about her PTSD, but he couldn't. He reasoned that she didn't need the pity, that she didn't want anyone making a fuss about it. But he knew now that he was wrong. Because if Addison had skillfully created a façade of faux strength, she was still broken inside and needed help even if she wouldn't admit it.

When she had finished her tale, he watched her stare into her glass unceremoniously, trying to compose herself after the recollection. With a sad expression, he scooted over closer to her, and without second thought, wrapped his arms firmly around her. The gesture initially startled her, but she relaxed into his embrace and let her head rest on his shoulder. He planted a firm kiss on the top of her head and breathed in the scent of her shampoo.

"You are the strongest woman I've ever met," he said earnestly, the sincerity in his voice all too apparent. "And I know that whatever this is—you'll be able to survive it. Not to spoil the ending, but everything's going to be okay." He paused. "And I'm proud of you."

She sighed, shifting so she could feel his warmth radiate a little more. "Sometimes it doesn't feel that way."

"I know, honey. But it'll get better. It gets worse before it gets better."

"I don't know. I mean… sometimes I feel like I'm doing better, and then I remember the things I saw and I take three steps back."

"You're strong, Addie," he reminded her.

She shook her head. "I feel like I'm running—like I'm running away from my problems because I'm desperate to forget and pretend nothing ever happened."

"Addie, you're not running. You're not."

But she was adamant. "I asked Richard to pull me out of surgery."

He knit his brow. "That was the right thing to do—the _responsible_ thing to do, actually. You didn't want to risk it, so you asked to be pulled out until you could get better."

"But that's not it. Sometimes I feel like I asked to be pulled out of surgery so I wouldn't remember, so I wouldn't have to face all the blood and be reminded. I told you—I'm desperate to forget. I was so desperate that I had thought of giving up surgery just so I wouldn't have to deal with it."

Her voice was anguished, and pleading. And his heart ached with compassion for her. He knew she was in pain, and her pain was his as well. He held her a little closer, a little tighter, in an attempt to take away some of the pain she was feeling.

"That's not true, Addie," he said. "Stop thinking like that. When you think like that, you make yourself sound weak and pathetic and selfish—but you're not. You asked Richard to pull you out because you wanted to be _better_. And you will. Those men may have taken seven years of your life, but you can't let them take what makes you _you_. You can't let them take away what centers you, and what defines you."

"But they already have," she said forlornly.

He shook his head resolutely. "They haven't. And if you keep thinking that way, they will end up taking it permanently. But you have to be strong, and you have to do your best to get better so you can go back to being the best. You need to look for what you lost."

She sighed. "I thought going back to work and doing surgery would help me heal."

"It will, eventually," he said surely. "But right now, it's not the solution. The solution is to deal with all of this as best you can before you can start being the surgeon you are."

He paused, kissing her forehead. "And I'm right here, Addie. I'm still here to cheer you on. Maybe we're not in the best place right now, and maybe we can't consider each other as husband and wife in the best possible sense, but think of me as your friend. I'm your friend and I'm right here."

Although it pained Addison to hear him say they were just friends, she knew it was true.

"We're friends?" she questioned, her voice small.

He nodded. "We are. Until we're both ready to be more than that."

* * *

TADA. Sorry, I know. It's not a lot of Addek love or anything like that. But you'll see, I have a plan! LOL. :)) Thanks for reading!


End file.
